Look, if your X "affaired down," then X's GF "affaired down" too. So, the LBS's are all so much better than the WASs, right?
Then why do any LBS's want their WASs back?
No doubt, LBSs are more together and farther ahead in some areas, but they have their weaknesses
But WASs have their own strengths and weaknesses.
On the whole, I'd agree that LBSs tend to be farther along the path of personal growth and emotional maturity than their WASs in many important ways. Indeed, that is probably a major reason that the Ms are so dysfunctional to begin with — there is a very deep mismatch in partners, a very ill-fit.
But to condemn others because you are farther along than they are is ugly. Shall we all go bash Newcomers because we are farther along than they are? Should I deem myself superior because I am in a healthy, vibrant, passionate M due in large part to the growth that occurred while I slogged myself through my divorce woes?
WASs are not evil, they are not better or worse than the people they get involved with. Remember, BOTH parties in an A are doing something they really shouldn't do. They are not victims of their A partners. And it is the WAS who is guilty of the deep betrayal of the LBS.
Scrambling for feelings of superiority is not a good way to feel good about oneself. Finding compassion and understanding and even respect for those who have hurt us is a much better strategy in the long run. Imagine the deep pain and feelings of being lost, of desperation, of misery that led to their actions. They did the best they could, it is very sad that they couldn't do better.
Ellie is surely right about the bottom line: it usually isn't about US at all, but about them and their problems.
Personally, I don't get a lot of pleasure or self-worth by considering myself more worthwhile, better, or more valuable than people with big problems who are in a lot of pain.
I'm very fortunate and appreciate my life. I can feel sad for them. But I know that I am not better than them simply because I'm farther along than they are.
And if the LBSs can lose some of their arrogance, they'll see that there are ways that the WASs are farther along than they are.
In the D process, both partners suffer, both grow, both stall, they do it in different ways.
