While cleaning today I found a letter that I wrote to JA over 2 years ago. I wrote it while I was at my parents house before I came home to find the ow in my house.
Reading it made me realize how much I have changed and how little JA has changed.
I will share it with you...
Well, I am sitting in my parents house, not being able to sleep as usual these days. I don't know where to start, I am just full of emotions right now. I am sure you don't even feel like reading this note since your mind is made up that you are leaving me. I am sure your wedding ring has already been cashed in. I won't beg and plea for you since I did that already and you don't seem to care. I just love you so much and I don't want to live without you. It has nothing to do with just being used to having you around. I guess I did take you for granted, I never meant to do that. I just thought we had a love that would always be there. I am sorry I was such a horrible wife. I would do anything for you to give me another chance. I would starve myself so you could have your skinnier wife back, I would forget about the idea of having another child, I would do just about anything. I can't even do anything anymore without even thinking about you. I couldn't go to the grocery store the other day because I couldn't bare to just shop for me and the boys. I went into Kohl's and couldn't help to peak at clothes for you. I don't want to get on in life without you. I don't even want to go to the beach because S5 said he wished you were coming with us. I know I have to go for Daniel though. They are the reason I still care to go on living. You probably thought sending me to my parents house would make me forget you, well nothing will. You are on my mind 24/7. I know you said at counseling you didn't think you deserved to be happyy. I hope you were being honest and not just trying to come up with a reason. I don't think you want to change and that is why I don't think you will go to individual counseling, and I think that is why you didn't really try in marriage counseling. It's easier to just put all the blame on me. I know I tried. I tried to make you happy, I tried to give you the perfect world you were looking for. I tried to have dinner on the table at night, I tried to keep the house extra neat, I tried not to leave laundry on the foyer floor, I tried to do little things like asking if you wanted to go for a walk, and making you coffee. What did you do to try and change? Don't tell me I am better off without you because that is a load of crock. Maybe you already found someone else that you think you will be happier with, and maybe you didn't. I feel like you have been chasing me out the door for the last few months. You try to make it look like I am psycho because I thought you were having an affair, but I am not the only one who thought that. The marriage counselor said you have all signs of someone having an affair. You just dont' want to look at anything you did wrong, again just easier to blame it on me. It's not fair that you just expected me to make changes. It's like you were thinking "put up with my bs or get get." What about the boys? Do you think how life would be like for them without seeing you everyday? What about the holidays? Christmas? Do you think S5 and S2 want to wake up in the morning and have only one parent to share their joy with? I know I don't want to spend Christmas without you. I don't want to spend any day without you. I didn't want to call you today because I didn't want to feel like I was pestering you. When you called I was so relieved to hear your voice, and then you were like "well I guess the boys don't want to say goodnight, so see ya" and you hung up. I called you back because I just wanted to hear your voice a little more and I didn't care what we talked about, but you were like "I don't want to talk!" So I guess that's it, your just giving up. Go ahead tell your family and friends that you tried and I didn't if that makes your guilt conscience go away. I know the truth. I guess there is no changing your mind. I am afraid I am going to come home this weekend and all of your stuff is going to be gone, and there will be no more you in my life. I just hope you really know what you are doing.
Boy, how pathetic was I?
Little did I know when I would come home that weekend I would find the slut it my house.
