want to get out. want to scream. want to be heard. am afraid to speak the pain I feel. don't trust. feeling cheated. feeling manipulated. feeling used. feeling like somethings wrong...may be making more of things than there are to be made but things do not seem right. feeling bad. wondering if I should have told h to screw when he "thought" he wanted to come home. wondering what I can do. I'm tired of being the wife. I'm tired of pushing my needs aside and keeping my complaints to myself in some ridiculous fear that it will push h away...worse that could happen is it would push him away...at this point I can once again say it wouldn't be much of a loss...asside from having a "family" I am already lonely, sex deprived, lonely, emotionaly starved, lonely, bored, lonely, tired, lonely, feeling like a fool, feeling like I'm being lied to, feeling not much different than I did before I discovered ow...infact I'm feeling worse than I did before discovering ow.
I don't know what to do anymore...I don't care for anymore 180's...the only ones left would be unproductive...I don't care to give any more ultimatums...I don't care to put forth any accusations or questions...I don't care to make any comments...I don't care to care...I'm just tired of this life...tired of this ride...tired of pretending that I am happy when I am not...tired of feeling like giving up only to be thrown a bone that draws me back in again...only to get comfortable and feel positive...only to be once again shown that it is all a lie.
h blatantly picks up his cell phone in front of me before going up to lay down in sons bed for a while (sure sing things are amiss) holds phone away from me scanning to see who has called him (as if he doesn't know who he's spoken to during the day) calls "the weather" and then proceeds to delete all the calls. that is something I don't need.
I'm tired of doing the right thing. I'm tired of waiting for my turn. I'm tired of comming last. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of the cycle.
I want out.
I didn't even want to come home after class....and to come home to h erasing his cell phone and then going off to lay down with son simply adds fuel to an already burning fire. it has been over a week since h has initiated any intimacy (I wont dare initiate or make mention) can h truly be this ignorant? is it possible that a man could knowingly deprive his wife of true companionship and intimacy, have an affair emotional or otherwise, leave her, come back a new man, only to resort back to old ways?
I want to give up but there is little I can do in that direction....I got married...I started a family...I cannot walk away from that....I will not walk away from that...but day by day my heart breaks a little more...my desire for h diminishes with each breath...with each rejection....with each day that goes by without some positive interaction that involves more than a discussion of what time he'll be home.
I'm wondering why it was possible for h to arrive at this house each T and TH by 5pm last summer to "visit" the kids, why he was able to spend each sunday alone with them from 10am-8pm during seperation and now cannot get home til almost 6:30 each night whether he has an appointment or not, and has spent not even one sunday yet just hanging out with his kids? what happend to that guy who used to do the dishes and clean up the toys? and let's not even talk about the man who originally came back to me...the one who would walk me to the door when I'd go out kissing me like he didn't want me to leave...where is THAT man?
I'm tired of the games. I'm tired of trying to assess the situation. I'm tired of trying to figure out what makes h tick. I'm tired of trying to be happy when I'm not.
