stinks, doesn't it? when you realize something was said that could have clued you in to what was going on. i have been running across that a lot lately. i think the reason we never "get it" is because when it is said, the disgruntled spouse has the perspective of being unhappy while we, the unsuspecting (gruntled?) spouse has no idea what is actually being said between the lines. we haven't any reason to believe the worst in our spouse could happen. we trust him or her, so a little thing like "the guy at the coffee shop said i was pretty" seems harmless. mostly because we would agree with the guy.
the french have a saying "espirit de'escalier" (not sure i spelled it correctly) and it's literal translation is "spirit of the staircase." it refers to the passing of two people on the staircase as a conversation takes place. as they pass and the conversation has ended, the moment cannot be relived. then one of the people thinks to him or herself, "i wish i had asked about...or i should'ave said..." but he or she cannot because the moment is gone. the other person is gone. so the person is left with a handful of empty wishes and the knowlege that the right words at the right time could have changed his or her life.
i have several examples in my relationship with my w. the one that sticks out the most is when my w went away for the weekend to "think and take a break from the kids." she called and told me what hotel she was staying in, but because of cell phones and knowing i could call her anytime, i never asked "what room?" i now desperately wish i had because it would have ruined her night and she might have come home. needless to say (but i will) there wasn't any room number, nor a hotel. i wish i had asked, but i trusted her. i had no reason not to believe her. and now, unfortunately, i will ask every time.
