Quote: XW runs a mail order parts department. 1 year before S, She casually mentioned over supper that the UPS guy was hitting on her. Why did she tell me that?
that was a huge clue poe!! she was telling you because she wanted you to know that another man found her attractive while it seemed you did not...
Quote: that was a huge clue poe!! she was telling you because she wanted you to know that another man found her attractive while it seemed you did not...what was your reaction to that news? Thank you, makes sense now. I Did not have a clue, I did not do anything, why did I not get the manual when I got married.
At least I do have a clue now, do you think your H knows this stuff?
I agree with LL on this one, Poe. It's just like me mentioning the "U R Hott!" note I found in my car window. I mentioned it to CJ in the hopes of reminding him that other men find me attractive, and perhaps I could use a few more compliments from HIM!
Shiny
P.S. LL, my "date" for the fantasy fizzled to nothing. Woke up today with both kidney pain and PMS!
stinks, doesn't it? when you realize something was said that could have clued you in to what was going on. i have been running across that a lot lately. i think the reason we never "get it" is because when it is said, the disgruntled spouse has the perspective of being unhappy while we, the unsuspecting (gruntled?) spouse has no idea what is actually being said between the lines. we haven't any reason to believe the worst in our spouse could happen. we trust him or her, so a little thing like "the guy at the coffee shop said i was pretty" seems harmless. mostly because we would agree with the guy.
the french have a saying "espirit de'escalier" (not sure i spelled it correctly) and it's literal translation is "spirit of the staircase." it refers to the passing of two people on the staircase as a conversation takes place. as they pass and the conversation has ended, the moment cannot be relived. then one of the people thinks to him or herself, "i wish i had asked about...or i should'ave said..." but he or she cannot because the moment is gone. the other person is gone. so the person is left with a handful of empty wishes and the knowlege that the right words at the right time could have changed his or her life.
i have several examples in my relationship with my w. the one that sticks out the most is when my w went away for the weekend to "think and take a break from the kids." she called and told me what hotel she was staying in, but because of cell phones and knowing i could call her anytime, i never asked "what room?" i now desperately wish i had because it would have ruined her night and she might have come home. needless to say (but i will) there wasn't any room number, nor a hotel. i wish i had asked, but i trusted her. i had no reason not to believe her. and now, unfortunately, i will ask every time.
want to get out. want to scream. want to be heard. am afraid to speak the pain I feel. don't trust. feeling cheated. feeling manipulated. feeling used. feeling like somethings wrong...may be making more of things than there are to be made but things do not seem right. feeling bad. wondering if I should have told h to screw when he "thought" he wanted to come home. wondering what I can do. I'm tired of being the wife. I'm tired of pushing my needs aside and keeping my complaints to myself in some ridiculous fear that it will push h away...worse that could happen is it would push him away...at this point I can once again say it wouldn't be much of a loss...asside from having a "family" I am already lonely, sex deprived, lonely, emotionaly starved, lonely, bored, lonely, tired, lonely, feeling like a fool, feeling like I'm being lied to, feeling not much different than I did before I discovered ow...infact I'm feeling worse than I did before discovering ow.
I don't know what to do anymore...I don't care for anymore 180's...the only ones left would be unproductive...I don't care to give any more ultimatums...I don't care to put forth any accusations or questions...I don't care to make any comments...I don't care to care...I'm just tired of this life...tired of this ride...tired of pretending that I am happy when I am not...tired of feeling like giving up only to be thrown a bone that draws me back in again...only to get comfortable and feel positive...only to be once again shown that it is all a lie.
h blatantly picks up his cell phone in front of me before going up to lay down in sons bed for a while (sure sing things are amiss) holds phone away from me scanning to see who has called him (as if he doesn't know who he's spoken to during the day) calls "the weather" and then proceeds to delete all the calls. that is something I don't need.
I'm tired of doing the right thing. I'm tired of waiting for my turn. I'm tired of comming last. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of the cycle.
I want out.
I didn't even want to come home after class....and to come home to h erasing his cell phone and then going off to lay down with son simply adds fuel to an already burning fire. it has been over a week since h has initiated any intimacy (I wont dare initiate or make mention) can h truly be this ignorant? is it possible that a man could knowingly deprive his wife of true companionship and intimacy, have an affair emotional or otherwise, leave her, come back a new man, only to resort back to old ways?
I want to give up but there is little I can do in that direction....I got married...I started a family...I cannot walk away from that....I will not walk away from that...but day by day my heart breaks a little more...my desire for h diminishes with each breath...with each rejection....with each day that goes by without some positive interaction that involves more than a discussion of what time he'll be home.
I'm wondering why it was possible for h to arrive at this house each T and TH by 5pm last summer to "visit" the kids, why he was able to spend each sunday alone with them from 10am-8pm during seperation and now cannot get home til almost 6:30 each night whether he has an appointment or not, and has spent not even one sunday yet just hanging out with his kids? what happend to that guy who used to do the dishes and clean up the toys? and let's not even talk about the man who originally came back to me...the one who would walk me to the door when I'd go out kissing me like he didn't want me to leave...where is THAT man?
I'm tired of the games. I'm tired of trying to assess the situation. I'm tired of trying to figure out what makes h tick. I'm tired of trying to be happy when I'm not.
I just read your last post about being so profoundly tired of it all and it hit me like a truckload of bricks.
So much of what you said spoke of those things I have locked away in a shadowy little room behind a door with "do not open" scrolled on it.
I believe that those deep and relentless feelings are causing the constant burn of anxiety I feel coursing along with my blood and etching it's way across my face.
It's good that you have the ability to express your anguish so well, to put the dark things on the table and look at them squarely.
Maybe that is why you are able to be so positive too.
Quote: Maybe that is why you are able to be so positive too.
finding the positives is a good ability and can help, but these days I can say that those little positives that in the past would have been able to carry me through or pull me back out of the dark aren't going to work.
I am tired of making h's life easy...tired of excusing him or accepting his appology for being a jerk when he's busy...really is someone else's lawn more important than spending 5 minutes talking to your son who just foolishly got his finger caught in the mount of the fan (the section that turns it from side to side) leaving a scared little boy who thinks his finger is broken and wants to talk to daddy.
it has become apparent to me that h was a better father when he was not with me...he was also a better person when he was not with me.
I'm done...h will have to drag himself out of this whole..I'm done focussing on the posisitves..there's far to many negatives floating around to be ignored. wishing that I could tell h to just go away alone with the kids this weekend and leave me home!
LL -- sending you a cyberhug. Anything on the "what makes is hard to Piece" thread going on here? Seriously, just looking to strip off the stuff that might be making "it all" worse and get to the core...
I had a couple of thoughts while reading your post...not sure I'm gonna be organized enough to "put them" where they belong (quote wise, that is) so bear with me...
Quote: feeling like I'm being lied to, feeling not much different than I did before I discovered ow...infact I'm feeling worse than I did before discovering ow.
Am I reading something into your post or are you feeling OW insecure right now? Is something going on? Are you suspicious of something?
What's up with the cellphone clearing thing?
Quoting lostlove: at this point I can once again say it wouldn't be much of a loss...asside from having a "family" I am already lonely, sex deprived, lonely, emotionaly starved, lonely, bored, lonely, tired, lonely, feeling like a fool,
This resonated with me...sometimes I wonder lately if I've built up enough of a support system besides h....friends, family. I wonder if I even know how to expand my social circle...is your loneliness about that? (external stuff that is) or is it about wanting something from h. that you're not getting?
Quote: ...only to be once again shown that it is all a lie.
Is this your fear? A projection of the future? Or is something happening now?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Anything on the "what makes is hard to Piece" thread going on here? Seriously, just looking to strip off the stuff that might be making "it all" worse and get to the core...