The last two days, we've been on the phone about 5 or 6 times a day and we talked before going to bed. He popped over yesterday afternoon for a coffee...but was zonked out last night and we decided he's best not drive the 30 minutes on back country roads to get here. (Deer on the roads are bad at this time of year).
He didn't stay over Sun or Mon night,... plus the OW had a melt down Sunday and threatened to start following him around. (I'm busying working on getting my garage emptied so he can park inside) He's got a few social events planned that he wants to get through those that she's attached herself to. He's actually incrementally pushing her back to her husband. (Her mental and physical state are... scary). What I witnessed on Sunday to what she was doing to him... geeze... she filled up his entire voice mail on his cell phone with nasty messages. Ahem.
So... We're planned for a sleep over tonight. And yes, T, I'm going to get Passionate Marriage. I picked up Sex Starved Marriage, Red Hot Touch, (my H loves massages), and a erotic book for all kinds of sexy ideas and "play time" ideas, both in and out of the bedroom. I've since started to sew as a pass time again, so I can sew up some "harem" pants to match the new purchases... I feel sexy again, for the first time in so long. I was worried about that, with the AD's that I'm on. But, nope... as long as there's prelude and passion, it's all go on that front.
On a diff path, he's definitely still in MLC mode in bits and pieces and I'm going to have to get some books that deal with various mind switches that happen... how a spouse handles them etc. His sitch with the OW,... PLUS MLC stuff... There are def personality "changes", plus he's stressed. He's impulsive right now. He's much more abrupt with his opinion than before. If you introduce an idea, he'll shoot it down right away if his brain isn't interested. One minute he doesn't want to do something, then the next he does. The "teenage" years mode. Which is fine, as long as I know what I"m dealing with. He's easily distracted... and yet through it all...there's these big moments of clarity. He's saying things that have plans for us for future ideas. (He even mentioned my music and me singing last night again). He mentioned envisioning going to Vegas, or Arizona for the weekend. We talked about camping and me singing with my guitar. *smile* All relaxing things. He wants off the roller coaster. All things like sitting round a camp fire. AND a biggie which he indicated he wants me to work out of the same "place" that he does once I finish my courses again. Believe me, that's huge.
While in some ways things have progressed quickly, other parts of it are still slow. I'm actually a bit relieved we're not in the same house right now. My home is my sanctuary... and it's also becoming his. Thing is, I can decompress and give myself time to clear my head during the times he stumps me with some of the things he says or wants to do.
Calm, calm, calm, calm........ calm. If ever there is a word to attach to "our job" as the LBS,... it's calm. The calmer you can be, the easier it is on not only the spouse... but on yourself. My "giggle" is ... I have pills (meaning I'm easy to stay calm, I'm on ADs.)
My C though (along with the reading of all the relationship books I can get my hands on)... has been worth millions of dollars. She's given me skills to deal with not trying to control what I can't. And to deal with things as being: They are what they are. It's freeing. And when the difficult stuff comes up, because I haven't been obsessing over the little stuff... I can apportion the appropriate energy to dealing with the more difficult stuff. You're not over zoomed up, so you don't over react.
Lisa (OneDay) mentioned about 180s and the H seeing the differences in one of her recent posts. A pretty good indication to heed the DB advice and not discount how important those 180s are... my H has mentioned the complete turn around about me. My interest in doing things that we'd long since abandoned as a couple... and says my T deserves a metal for the changes he's seen in me.
Anyhoo... I've allowed myself to accept that I have to follow the ride...this path is going to be one that's going to "be a while" in the making,... and I'm actually a little relieved there too. Admittedly one of my fears was jumping in and having it fall apart a week later. This mode for us, allows him to retreat when he needs to, and move forward in spirts that he's comfy with. I need to heal, obviously and he'll need to get out of "me" mode for him to see my end of this. All in good time.
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/16/0812:51 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Hey Abbey! Its amazing, so cool to read and it all looks like it is going well and you are handling it. I am sure it must be scary, it will take you a while to trust again, not just the ow stuff, I mean, trust his intentions and where he is aiming now and that he means what he says about your future. I loved this bit though...
Quote:
my H has mentioned the complete turn around about me. My interest in doing things that we'd long since abandoned as a couple... and says my T deserves a metal for the changes he's seen in me.
Thats great! You have rediscovered your zest for life it seems and what a difference it makes now that he has noticed.
SOooo happy for you.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
H introduced new R stuff again today. Said he and I need to deal with the stuff between us that happened etc. I said we had time because of other circumstances, and that these talks have to be at his pace to which he said: "We're taking things slower than I'd actually like. " That actually surprised me. I think if he raises anymore R stuff, I'm going to suggest that when HE's ready... he pick a time that we start those talks... but also ask what he hopes to accomplish with these talks. MC is something I'm going to have to introduce slowly. He'll go eventually I believe,... but it's going to have to be something that is based more on preventative medicine, than rehashing the past.
Since he's is ready to talk about things... admittedly I'm afraid of certain aspects, like: How on EARTH do I get it into his head that I DIDN'T have an affair? I know it's going to come up. My T session is tomorrow, so I'll be asking that.
He slept over last night, and he tossed and turned a bit. He felt bad that we didn't ML,... but he's stressed out because of the stuff with the OW... and I had to remind him that cuddling and touch is as equally important as sex. He hugged me so tight at one point last night, I had to tap him to let me turn my head away from his chest, so I could breathe
He's headed back here tonight...
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
More journaling - we had a long talk last night. He admits being a bit all over the place... (stuff with the OW).
He said he didn't know why I didn't send him "packing" until he got his crap together and settled with the OW. I looked into his eyes and said: "Do I really have to tell you why? I think you know."
He teared up and told me he loved me. *smile* I told him that I loved him back and then he said that telling each other that was perfectly OK, in his books. (Reassuring me that it was ok to say it.)
We have a long road ahead of us, and there's one major stumbling block that has to do with this sitch with the OW. He doesn't want to hurt me, or me to get hurt and of course, that makes us afraid (more OW sitch junk)... but basically he said he he sees us back together. If this sitch wasn't happening with the OW,... we'd already be "officially" back together.
I reassured him we'll make this work... and that I"m not going anywhere and will stick with this in the long haul. Certainly I'm afraid that she'll pull something out of her butt and draw him back somehow... but right now,... I'm determined to look at anything she pulls as bumps in the road. We're headed in the right direction,... and we now need to keep piecing and reconnecting with one another. This "sitch" is going to require a pile of talking and communication. So one step sideways, 2 steps forward. *smile*
He's trying to head back here tonight.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
He's got a few social events planned that he wants to get through those that she's attached herself to. He's actually incrementally pushing her back to her husband. (Her mental and physical state are... scary). What I witnessed on Sunday to what she was doing to him... geeze... she filled up his entire voice mail on his cell phone with nasty messages. Ahem.