I was unfaithful

[SirPrizeMe]

Your actions would would make a mockery of that saying. You say your acting all cool and happy when in fact you are really wanting your W back.

?? Not sure what you mean. Mockery of what? True I want my marriage back. But when I go golfing, I am not acting happy. I just am happy. When I play with the kids, it is no act. I'm happy with that. I'm not happy all the time and there are times when I look and see things that make me less than happy. I don't see how this is inconsistent.

Meanwhile , I do go to the gym, I do look after myself in appearance. I work , i laugh and I have lots of friends but mainly married. Small country here , so oppotunities to expand are limited but not bad. Events and stuff are just spread out and not large numbers , so little harder to ease into new activities if shy and on your own,...

Good! You will find new things...

Rugby was ok. Party afterwards fantastic except that H never came within spitting distance if me. In fact it was horrible ( that bit ) So I took myself home. He turned up later to spend the night. I let him ! Should I of said NO ?

No, I don't think so. What does "spend the night" mean? It sounds like another opportunity.

You will embrace the change in him, and allow it to happen, not resist it.

Not sure how this works. How do you embrace something that is tearing you apart.

You let it be. The change doesn't have to tear you apart. It can make you sad, you can feel grief, but you can live with it. Fighting it is hurting you further.

It makes me withdraw further. I see it as another step away. Can marriages ever come back from this kind of separation ?

IT IS a step away. Marriages come back all the time. Lots of 'em. Lots of them come back even after divorce.
It takes time for people to come around, sometimes. The question is, are you willing to wait? There is no wrong answer there.

She doesn't do anything with them.

I am going to defend your wife here. Sometimes doing for the kids 24/7 leaves you not much time for play. It is hard work. As woman we feel and do differently for the kids than men. Not better and not worse , just different. It leaves us tired both physically and emotionally.

I don't think I am accusing or indicting her. I am just observing, she doesn't do anything with them. I get that she has to take care of them 24/7. I get that it does not leave much time for play. This is why divorce is a bad idea in the first place. It's not beneficial to them. They are not "better off" and they are not thriving like they should. It's hard on them, plain and simple. That's all I'm saying.

Would she consider perhaps a family outing once a month or shared birthday, holiday dinners ? i know that is when you most miss the partner . Sharing happy occasions can only be good for all.

Maybe you should ask her. ( If you can )

We were doing those things, at my request, but she shut that off with the no-contact order. She refused to do Halloween (a dress-up, costume occasion here), and took the kids away for Thanksgiving. But she agreed to do Christmas together. She agreed to do my son's birthday together. Both were nice occasions. But then later she cut off all contact.

Shame about the rings. Do you think she will ever come round ? What are you waiting for?

I am waiting for light and compassion to re-enter her heart. I am waiting for healing. I am waiting for grace. At the same time I am doing my thing - figuring out how to be happy with and for myself. Because a depressed broken man is not worth coming back to.

why do I want H back ? Do I love him ? Is it just the lack of control I miss ? Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who has treated me so bad ? Is it because I remember what it used to be like ? Can it ever be like that again?

You are like so many here. Maybe your husband is having the same thoughts. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who has treated me like this? If you do reconcile, it will never be the same, but it can be good again. Less innocent, but more mature, wiser.

Why did i have an A, really. Not something I would of ever done I thought. Even now I shake my head at the wonder of it all.

THAT is worth exploring. With a professional. Really.