waw advice needed I am desperate,!!!

[rickya]

my wife of just one year filed for divorce and I will be getting served soon it is inevitable but after I would like to reconcile she says she doesn't like me, won't answer my calls the door, texts, we have no children together, but the problem is we work together and I have to see her daily, she became so cold to me I have done alot of things wrong, I went through alcohol treatment and while I was gone she had filed telling me how happy she was when I was gone this woman used to love me with all her heart how do I win her back this totally took me by surprise any advise will be welcome

[dday101798]

At the point you are at, the only advice I have for you is to stop being desperate and don't push the issue, it will only push her further away.

If the alcohol was the only problem, and you've taken action for that, ask yourself, did you do it for her or you?

[rickya]

alcohol was one of the problems I didn't make her feel important, I was jealous, not a nice guy.

[dday101798]

Well, you know your issues, back off her and work on them, for you, don't make it obvious to her either. Chekc the Do a 180 section here for ideas. In time, she will see you are trying to change and may take comfort in that.

Trust me on this tho, the more you push, the further she bolts.

[rickya]

I looked up and saw her looking at me last night at work, I do feel that deep down she still loves me but is hurt also she has been talking with very not so nice women at work whom probably keep prompting her, she really went cold fast and I am hoping when all calms down she will realize she acted rashly, in the meantime I have been sober for 1 month, been working out everyday, wearing nicer clothes, going to church and reading uplifting books, basically coming back to the person I used to be before I relasped, any more advice that I should do or don't do women's advice would be appreciated you gals know your stuff I can't really talk to the women at work I have to stay strong there

[Bridgestone]

I looked up and saw her looking at me last night at work,

That is what she is doing.. watching you, whether you notice her looking or not.

Seeing if these changes you are making/have made are 'for real'.

You have a great opportunity that many LBS would love to have... you can have your wife watch you grow & become the man you want to be on a daily basis!!

Keep doing what you are doing that is true to you. Live your life as if, GAL, make the changes you would make for you regardless of if she stays in your life or not.

Because no matter where you go, there you are.

We notice, we watch, we need A LOT of reassurance that these quickie changes are the real deal, not just a cosmetic botox treatment that wears off in 3 months. Consistent, regular positive behaviour changes.

Good luck to you
Peace
Bridge

[cotoffgard]

"...I have been sober for 1 month, been working out everyday, wearing nicer clothes, going to church and reading uplifting books, basically coming back to the person I used to be before I relasped..."

These are great things that you're doing, and it appears that she's noticing. However, one thing you have to realize is that she was mentally and emotionally "checked out" of the marriage long before your month of sobriety and self-improvements. As such, it will make no sense for you to overcompensate and rush through dubbed "self-improvements", especially if you're doing it to showboat (which I hope you're not) rather than be genuine about the changes you're making for yourself.

First bit of advice: don't panic...breathe...calm down...collect yourself...

If you haven't read Michele's DR and DB, I'd start with DR first, then move on to DB.

You won't be able to solve this quickly, so dig a deep foxhole and be prepared to be in battle for the next few months...or year...or more. The sooner you realize that this will be a long and arduous journey, the better you'll be able to bust this impending D.

Oh! Another bit of advice - if at all possible, before you act or react to your WAW in whatever sitch you find yourself in, I'd recommend checking in with fellow DB'ers here on the boards first...at least for the first few weeks of DB'ing until you're more in control of your emotions and are detached enough from your WAW to objectively measure your actions.

Keep posting here (or in Newcomers section), fill us in on your back-story, and keep us aprised of ongoing developments. So many great people here who've been there, done that, and done it all over again!

[rickya]

At work tonight two times looked up at her from across the room which is pretty far away and she was definately looking in my direction whether she was looking at me I'm not sure, I also got two compliments that I was looking good from other workers ( female) I am not bragging, working out has always been part of my life so no I am not showboating, but my waw walked by me and the look on her face was anger and hurt, she wasn't looking at me either I get butterflies when I see her so I try not to look, also I think some women at work have egged her on to this divorce it's not like her and I know there isn't a om I have a long way to go sometimes I just want to give up I want to talk to her but she wouldn't answer anyway thanks for advise should I just not call or text I suspect I will be served papers sometime this week

[cotoffgard]

Not sure if you read "Divorce Remedy" or "Divorce Busting" yet, so forgive me if I'm saying things you already know.

"...should I just not call or text I suspect I will be served papers sometime this week..."

If I were you, I'd force myself to stop pursuing or engage in actions that would appear to her like you're pursuing, which includes calling, texting, etc. You'll just make her run that much faster. Let her come to you.

Second, I would start acting "as if" you're OK with the situation, that you've come to terms with the final outcome and are at peace with it (even though on the inside you're a boiling mess). Exude a positive mental attitude...smile. However, don't overdo it or else you'll be transparent. Basically you're going to behave in a manner she would not have expected or predicted. Now, you'll see her every work day, so you're going to have to dig down deep to sustain this "as if'ing", which leads me to my next point.

You need to "get a life". For me, it was going out with a new group of people, new hobby, and individual counseling/therapy. You can't "as if" forever unless you fill that void with genuine change and happiness. To me, GAL'ing is one of the most important things to do when DB'ing. The only person you can change and control is you...not your W...not the impending divorce filing...only you.

I could go on and on, but I think this will get you started on a good emergency foundation until you've read Michele's DR and DB (if you haven't already done so).

You have an amazing opportunity to apply DR/DB techniques since you see your WAW every weekday. It might not last that long as there's a reasonable possibility she'll quit her job around the time you get served (if ever). The guilt and anger will be too much to bare if you're there constantly reminding her of all the pain and frustration she experienced in the M.

[dday101798]

rick,

Listen to us, BACK OFF!

My wife of 10 years and best friend of 11 hates me now because I wouldn't stop pushing. Up until last weekend I have ammassed a list of completely stupid things I've done to give her every right to feel this way. Why? Because you can not control your emotions until you detch from the WAW.

I went over to "her house" the other night to make sure my kids were okay and she told me the next day that she refused to answer the door because she's afraid of me, and I understand where she's coming from, I have not kept my emotions in check at all.

Now, since I have decided that the divorce needs to go through before I end in jail or a mental institution, I think have I have FINALLY been able to complete the detach stage.

And gues what, today she notices that I am dressing differently, for various reasons all at once and commented on how good I looked all the way down to my shoes. BUT, it's just too late more the less. I know the man she's with, I know she has contracted something from him and I am not putting my health in jeapordy by taking her back.

Don't let you be me, you have a chance, back off and detach, carry on on yourself and let her persue you if she so desires.