I think that sound like solid logic. I am glad that you got a hold of someone and that the ball is I. His court you are just coaching a little. Enjoy that run I just went for a bike ride and ended up in the park listening to a great Irish folk band but I am to going to run after i ride back. I have been slacking since work has been so intense.
You sound good!
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
Big update: I've convinced my H to go see a doctor about a possible chemical imbalance, with me along.
I sent him an e-mail listing all the symptoms that I found (added to the previous e-mail that I sent). The e-mail actually pissed him off/scared him, but I think that was because I worded it more urgently than the last one (but still very kindly). Oh yeah, anger is one of the symptoms!
When I finally got him to speak with me on the phone about it, we talked for about 45 minutes. He was very suspicious of my motives (the most off-the-wall one was that I want to use him as my guinea pig, because really, as you all know--I'm a mad scientist that married him to experiment on). I responded with a lot of logical arguments--I asked him to name a symptom on the list he disagreed with (he couldn't name one, and there are about 30 on there). He asked me how I would feel if the situation were reversed, and I said I would be blown away that someone cared enough about me to be concerned and search for an answer. I asked him--what do you have to lose? I offered to pay for the first consultation, if this is the problem, there could be a fairly simple solution, and if it's not, you can rule it out as a cause. I told him that I want him to be happy and healthy, and this has nothing to do with trying to get back together.
His chemical imbalance may be why he can't feel love or joy, but treating it's certainly not going to magically make him fall in love with me again or erase all the terrible painful things he's done and said. He's burned too many bridges and built an argument for it/justified doing it along the way. Why I think he's so resitant to seeing a doctor is because it may prove his arguments/justification false--and then where will he be?
To address this fear, I told him that a chemical imbalance would make all of this not really his fault. I told him my selfish reason is wanting an explanation for why the man who was my husband is gone, why I've gone through hell for the last 5.5 months.
It was a difficult conversation, and not much of it was by-the-book DB, but very neccessary. I'm relieved that he is willing to seek out help, but I am currently disappointed because the doctor that the nice nurse recommended is heartbreakingly expensive, and so we may have to settle for someone from our HMO. The nurse at his office said that she would speak to him about reducing his rates, so we'll see. But it's not looking good. Oh well, you can't always have the best.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I am really happy that he was eventually receptive to this! I really hope that he gets a lot out of going. Think that you may have gone out on a limb here but its great because it got you some where, just remember no expectations!! I know that you are doing this truly to help him as a friend and a person and if he can see that it will be positive for you. you will have to keep us posted I am very interested to hear how things go.
so how are you doing. I know you have been stressing over this the past week, I hope now that you are making progress you can let yourself relax and remember to focus on you a bit too.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
You tackled a dificult subject, I think you showed bravery and caring in doing so. I hope your week is going well. Any news with your h and his moves on this?
I'm kind of hunkered down at the moment. I've had a 'nother long phone conversation and spent about 4 hours with H yesterday since my last post. It has been stressful--I actually couldn't face going into work yesterday. I've had two long conversation/cries with my mom (thank god for my mom).
Why the hunkerdownism?
I think the possible chemical imbalance, plus H's insistence that he wants to file 'this week'--(I told him to go ahead and do it, as I've told him before) plus him being naughty or nice at random intervals has me completely thrown and stressed out.
For example, H yelled (with feeling) that "our marriage is a bear trap on his foot" on the phone...and then when he was over yesterday tried to take it back--saying he meant the filing process was a bear trap on his foot (uh-huh), and wanted to hug on me and be all sweet and bring me dinner. This is the pattern--extreme anger vs. sweet flirting & kindness, extreme anger vs. self-depreciation and crying.
The fact that he MIGHT be ill has me caught up in it again, and so I'm struggling.
I love him--if he's ill and not just an a-hole, that matters.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
Lost- wow- that is huge progress. i can imagine that took a lot of courage on your part...and on your H's part.
i can really feel from him he is scared to death to face this about himself. he knows there is somthieng wrong...but he cant be made to feel weak or like a schmuck - words from my DB coach.
dont pry. let him come to you. especially after this major breakthrough.
you are doing great- remembr do not believe what he says. its all a DEFENSE!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
How are you?? any new on a doctors visit or the filing process? hopeful yes on the first and no on the second, but either way I hope you are doing good!!
((((LOST))))
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
* I've been avoiding the boards for a week because my situation remains unresolved and has gotten more complex. It's not at all because I don't care a ton for the people here--I do. I'm just struggling.
* My H is going to see his primary care physician Friday to get referrals to see specialists. So all of that is still tbd.
* My ex-boyfriend got married this past weekend (no, I wasn't invited) but I got together with a lot of my old friends who were in town for it. I drank way too much one night and, in a moment of total weakness, let myself be kissed by one of my oldest and dearest male friends. I feel horribly guilty and regret it. I told my H immediately--his reaction was worried about me being in that situation (drinking, doing stupid things I regret), but not jealous. I guess he probably felt vindicated a bit for his own behavior. Sigh. It seems like I didn't do any more damage to my marriage, but I'm really, really disappointed in myself & sad.
* H and I talked for over an hour last night. He just found out he's in a bad financial situation with his dad, he wants to protect me from it, he's miserable. I validated and offered to help anyway I can. It was the most 'him' he's been, I think because he's terrified and was reaching out to me as a friend. I came away from the conversation realizing that he still loves me in some way. He's basically offering himself up for sacrifice so I don't have to financially suffer, even though I legally deserve to suffer along with him--he won't let me. I was floored & devastated & confused because a few weeks ago he seemed to want to screw me.
There's more, but that's all I can say right now. There's a lot going on my head.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
That is really positive news about your h going to see the doctor for a referral. I think you are making so much progress in making it 'safe' for your h to talk to you again. It does seem he is very confused and that is also very hard on you.
Personally I wouldn't beat yourself up for the BMF incident. I think you are doing incredibly well under very trying circumstances and sometimes we all make decisions that in retrospect we may look at differently. Also alcohol sometimes clouds our judgment, not an excuse maybe but a contributor.
Don't dwell on the BMF incident. Crap happens. You had a moment of weakness that never would have existed before. You didn't go looking for it so no true damage done.
I'm sorry to hear about H's financial situation. I'm curious why you feel you "deserve" to suffer along with him. Is it just because you are M and half of his suffering is legally yours too or is there more to it?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
