I think it is common Jen. I'm sorry that you are feeling sad right now. Try to relax and wait it out, just the downhill part of the rollarcoaster I guess.
Hi Sep and Daisy! The sadness comes and goes but it's harder at night (as you know) but at least he's not here to see it. It's easy to put on a happy face for a few minutes that he's actually here.
I guess it's all part of the script that is sold in some parelel universe we've never been. LOL The famous british guy in shorts said "all the world's a stage and we're merely players" I think they're playing their roles very well!!!
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I know the feeling. On the drive home from work today for some reason something my H said last year about how he can't wait to have kids hit me out of no where and tears started coming down. LoL I must have looked like such a food to people passing my car. Oh well at least it didn't happen in from of him!!
From what I understand about the average WAH, he is riddled with guilt, I know mine is... I don't know if you feel like your XH is at all going through an MLC, but yesterday I spent a lot of time on the boards going through happy_again's post. He was an MLCer, who was VERY honest with his posts. It was shocking to read them, but gave some insight into the way that some of our men must be feeling. He started very negative, but found his way back to his W. I feel like I learned a lot from reading through his posts. If you haven't, you might find them interesting. I think the most important thing is to SHOW that there is no reason for your WAH to feel guilty, that you understand, and that you are not being hurt. I know this is easier said than done, but since you have such constant contact, I think you are in a really good position to do this. With a child together too, I really believe that he will come to his senses even quicker if you can stay the course for a few months with no backslides :).
Don't TELL him that you want him to come home, but make your home so nice, so happy, so bright that it is clearly the best choice for him. Of course he also needs to feel that he deserves to be there, and this is the hardest part it seems. Do you compliment him and praise him very often? Do you go out of your way to make him feel like he is adding value to your life?
Hope you are doing better today,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey Jen, feeling sad is OK. I think guilt is one of the strongest reasons that DO NOT allow WAS spouses to coem back. LBS can help to minimize that guilt and I guess being and feeling good is the way to do it. You are doing good Jen. In general you are doing good. Stay strong, K
I figured since I didn't quote Shakesphere correctly I'd put the first lines of his "All The Worl'd a Stage" here
All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts,
It's tied into the opinion here on these BB that a WAS and even a LBS have roles that we play and scripts that we follow.
I don't think my WAS is in MLC at all I think he was an unhappy man and decided that the way to find happiness was to leave the home. I know he hasn't found the elusive happiness yet so I still have time to show him home can be happier than it was.
But, I'm doing ok (95% of the time) and I've gotten pretty good in the past week with stopping the OAI and I try to change the thoughts in my head. I guess it's like putting a stop sign in my head whenever I start getting upset, angry or resentful. I hope I can continue.
He feels guilty and I know that if I can just never bring up January again he'll feel less guilty too. He wants me to stop reminding him and get on with life. It's hard to forget when something always seems to remind me of it but even though it's difficult to forget it needs to be done.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Sounds like a plan Jen! I think that the happiness thing is hard to acheive. My husband knows I have been changing, as he refers to "before" like "before you wouldn't have done that", etc. And I think that your XH knows there is something up with you too. The hard part is convinving them that the changes are here to stay and that if they come home again the rug won't be pulled out from under them as if it were all a trick. My husband says that he is hesitant to make a decision because he is still feeling confused and that if we get back together or if we divorce the outcome is a permanent thing. So I think all we can do is keep giving it 110% and hope that eventually they will decide to come back.
I saw this as someones signature..."Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth."
I think it was written for me
Daisy, what I can't take his his snarky attitude. Sometimes I think he wants to make me hate him. He can be so sweet to his "friends" but I get all the impatience that he has inside. It's not fair.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I know it's not fair honey. My hubby does that too sometimes. The random bad attitude. One thing that someone said to me is that he might be toeing the line, pushing the boundary to see how far he can go. In my hubbys case it is most likely because he has never had someone stable in his life before me and so he seems to have it in his head that I am going to abandon him one of these days (hello! not going anywhere!) and so he almost seems to try and drive me away. It didn't make sense to me a long time ago but now it sorta does. He wants to make sure I am there no matter what. It's a stupid game and I hate it but I think the best response is to just shake it off and show that you are strong and that you are not going anywhere. I'm not even sure they realize they are doing it.
