Quote: The best that we have been able to figure out as to the WHY of this behavior is that neither of us grew up with verbal affection or affirmations. Mostly, in our families, critical comments were abundant and often emotional abuse.
I don't know if this relates at all to your H, but it is at least one explination for why he may behave that way.
could be so but h has yet to look into his upbringing as having any negative effects on him whatsoever...I've known the family for 14 years..h was 19 with two younger siblings at the time...they were close to the picture perfect family in that the house was clean and there were two parents etc etc...but perfect? having no negative effects on him? I doubt it...I see the control, I see the lack of general intimacy between them all...I see lots and lots but it is not mine to see...I know where my crap comes from and that is why I've always tried to not point out neg things (the old "you don't look good" "wow you're getting grey" heck I'm even hesitent to point out a blemish) ...but have now realized that I also have to point out more of the good too.
Quote: We have been trying to do better, but both find it hard to verbalize affection and compliments. Words feel inadequate and clumsy. It makes us feel ackward and vulnerable.
I've discovered that when I directly compliment h, he shies away from it, feels aqward being complimented but when I say clearly infront of him to the kids something like "daddy is such a hard worker look how lucky we are with this nice yard he made for us" it is recieved better. I've noticed that h has been doing the same thing too using the kids as a buffer to compliment me ie "isn't dinner yummy, but mommy always makes yummy dinner, mommies a great cook isn't she" I try to tell h when he looks nice (mind you he wears the same work aparel most everyday so it is geniune when I say it not "gee you look spiffy" but you're cute or you smell nice) I typically get a response of "are you nuts" guess I am. I would like to hear more of these comments from h directed toward me...they are occassional so I should just focus on that.
