sooners, It's better not to confront them about the other pserson. Because once the LBS knows, the WAS thinks it's OK and time to parade the OW/OM about.
Read "When Your Mate Wants Out" and "How To Save Your Marriage Alone".
Sooners, If I were in your sitch, I would send a modest-sized combo of pink flowers (since she loves pink)--maybe roses and carnations, a dozen total? I'm not too creative when it comes to floral design, but there are lots of pretty flowers in pink; your florist can help you make a selection. I would not do all roses, nor would I do red roses, as I think that would be too much pressure. I also would keep the card brief and not too emotional--no "love" unless she uses it to you, I would say. Just sending flowers is enough of a gesture, I think. She will know that you care about her and are thinking of her no matter what kind or color you send; going over the top under the circumstances would not be in your best interests, IMHO.
I also would not recommend confronting your W about a possible A. I did that with my H, just because I couldn't stand the uncertainty any more, and it was an ugly scene, and things haven't improved much in the 11 months since, although he is still living at home. It's not fun when I get a voice mail on Friday night after he gets off work, saying, "I'm going out of town for the weekend to see OW; see you Monday," and this happens about every other week (OW lives [and attends college] 5 hours away). Don't snoop, either; if you're like a lot of people, it makes you feel dirty, and it is so incredibly painful if you find something.
As far as in-laws, well, that's an interesting question, although I don't know if I qualify to answer because my H and I are still living in the same house, and I don't think H has told many people about OW. Anyway, in-laws...this is going to be a bit long, as there are some interesting twists related to my H and our M. If you don't want to read all the ins and outs, just skip to my next-to-last paragraph.
My MIL died three years ago. My FIL is a very nice fellow, and always a big hit especially with the ladies, even though he is in his late 70s now--my H takes after his father in a number of ways. At the time of MIL's death, they had been married for almost 50 years. My MIL had Alzheimer's for about six years before she died, and she was in bad shape by the end. As MIL deteriorated, FIL took on all of the household responsibilities, and also the care she needed, as it became necessary. He never made a fuss about it, or complained about how hard it was; he just did whatever had to be done, without any drama. Everyone who knew him was awed by the way he handled the sitch. My H has said, ever since his mother started to really go downhill, that his father has become his biggest hero for the way he dealt with all this, and H also said he didn't know if he could do what his father was doing (this was long before we were having major issues in our M). After MIL's death, FIL mentioned that one of the hospice workers told him how amazed she was by the way he just stepped up and dealt with whatever had to be done for his wife, and he just said, in sort of a bewildered way, "I thought that was just...what I was supposed to do."
So, that's the background on MIL and FIL. I have only seen my FIL a couple of times since the bomb, and as far as I know, he doesn't know anything about H's A or the serious issues in our M. He acts totally normal regarding H and me as far as I can tell. I considered telling him myself, because I am sure that he could in no way condone what H is doing (even though I don't believe FIL would never stop loving him), and H respects his father so much, but I don't think it's my place to tell FIL. I don't think it's a good idea except in special circumstances, and I think it might backfire on me anyway, so I'm not saying anything to him about it.
Sibling in-laws are a bit of a different sitch. H has an older sister and a younger brother. His sister had a shotgun wedding, and eighteen years and three kids later, she finally got fed up enough to D her chronically unfaithful and emotionally abusive H. (She has since remarried and seems much happier.) Their three kids are ages 25-30 now. The middle kid disowned her father after he--for no good reason--set a PI to tailing her and began spreading nasty rumors about her at the company where they both worked, where she was doing much better than he. Quite a prize he turned out to be, and I don't blame my SIL for D him, much as I believe in M for life. I wasn't planning to talk to SIL about my H's A or our sitch, because I didn't want to put her in a position where she felt she had to choose between her own brother and her sense of right (she is pretty religious), but one day I had an appointment with her, and I just fell apart shortly beforehand, and hadn't fully recovered by the time I saw her. I ended up telling her what was going on, partially because she had suffered through a sitch like mine, but for years and years in her case. She was shocked that H would do anything like that. She made a few suggestions and promised not to say anything to my H about what we had discussed, and for a while I talked to her regularly, but then I discovered that she had actually been talking to H about things I told her, so it was good that she moved out of state about then, as I was pretty unhappy with her for betraying my confidence.
H's brother got married the same year H and I did, had a couple of kids, and then left his W three years ago, for no reason that makes sense to me (no A on either side, he insisted), shortly after MIL died. He moved back in with FIL, now living alone after MIL's death. BIL and his W never got back together, and D the next year. BIL is now dating around, I think looking to remarry eventually. His XW is also dating, although SIL mentioned that BIL's XW initially had a really hard time with BIL leaving her. BIL's XW is a very dominant personality, and she had taken a dislike to my H and me, for some unknown reason, so H didn't see his brother much except at gatherings of the whole family. Now that XW is out of the picture, H is reconnecting with his brother. I have no idea if he has told his brother about our sitch or his A. If he has, even though I think BIL considers himself very morally upright, and has not always had a lot of respect for my H, I would bet that he isn't telling H to drop OW and get his focus back on restoring our M. He doesn't exactly have the high moral ground here, so I doubt there's any help from that quarter.
So, in essence, I don't know if my in-laws know anything about OW or M sitch, except what I told SIL myself, and I don't think it's a good idea to volunteer the info. It may come back and bite you in the butt later. I do know that when I saw all the in-laws together in one cheerful, noisy crowd at Christmas, only two months post-bomb, I kept thinking, "This may be the last time I ever see or talk to most of these people, because who knows what will happen with H and me in the next year, or how his family will react?" And I was sad about that, because I've had plenty of complaints about H's family, because they are so different than mine (not better or worse, just different, and sometimes hard for me to adjust to), but knowing that my relationship with them might be at its end made me appreciate the time I had left with them, even though most of them had no idea that there was a real possibility that I would no longer be part of their lives. I mean, the last time I saw BIL's XW (then just W) was at MIL's funeral, and I had no idea at the time that I would not see her again for at least three years, and maybe never again.
So this turned out to be "a bit long" in the same way that the Titanic was "a little accident"--sorry about all my rambling! Hope some of that helps (or at least entertains) someone!
Peace and blessings, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Just wondering, I didn't get my Steinkamp emails this weekend, did you get yours? If you didn't get yours then maybe there system is down.
It was due to the hurricane as I did not get mine either. They do have it posted at their web site, though.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
My in laws knew about the affair while H was still living at home. H lived at home about 10 months after he told the kids and I about the A.
Like I said, my FIL has taken a hard approach to this by telling H he is not welcome in the family home while he is continuing this A, etc.
The rest of the family is supportive of me and the kids as well.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Hi, MWG, Well, at least you have your in-laws' support; that's good! How did your in-laws find out? Inquiring minds want to know! I also wonder sometimes if the fact that H is still here, almost 11 months after the bomb, means that he is not going to leave at all, but your sitch indicates that may not be the case. Who knows? Never try to predict what an MLCer will do, after all!
Blessings and peace to all, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
I told them a few weeks after I found out. These men do not appear to move out right away either. When mine left, there was no advance notice. He just never came home one night and that started it. My kids were worried sick as he never called us.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
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This is something I have wondered. My W and I have talked in the past that we would never cheat on one another because of our strong religious beliefs, which I never have. What I was wondering is if your spouse ever did, DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE?
