Hey Abbey! I'm soooo happy for you, you are one the rare ones on these boards, from what I have seen, so good for you.
Quote:
I just wanted to feel him beside me so badly. I got up, made some sleepytime tea and even contemplated phoning him.
.. I bet you are excited and dying to have him back in your arms, but hey, resist, he soudns like he is coming back! Whats a few more days/weeks out of a lifetime together? Patience!
I wish I were in your shoes...
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey... just another update... *smile smile* (Ali... so much for resisting... but this was at his pace... so some comments about things and lessons learned in the last few days).
He actually brought up R issues from the past yesterday on his own. We've called it "wounds in our heart". We both have those wounds. He opened up to me and told me about some of the things he had such problems with during the last 4 years. As I had predicted, he felt abandoned and felt I had stopped making him my number one priority. And the male friend I had, he felt got the "best of me" while he was ignored. Of course, that becomes a vicious cycle where when feeling those kinds of relationship troubles one withdraws, then the other does and round it round it goes til the R ends up flushed in the toidy.
We had an amazing talk. I told him about the things I've read in the books we've all read. Love Languages, Marriage Fitness, 10 Prescriptions To Heal Your Relationship, the basic principles that Michelle and the coaches talk about here and in her books etc. Talked my T sessions and how being alone, it gave me time to read and really realize just what happened to me when my Mom died, how it affected me, thusly how it then affected him. We had tears once we got that out of way... I told him the honest truth... I intend to stand on my head and spit nickels to insure to never let it happen again... but also we BOTH need to learn the skills to keep the intimacy between us and make each other our TOP and FIRST priority always.
Talked about doing recreational things together. Talked about balancing our lives with work and love and recreation. (Work took a big bite out of relationship at points). He's admitted he has really had to work at that. Talked about intimacy, passion and touch and so much.
SOOOOOOOOOOOO.....
We had a sleep over. *smile*... it felt so wonderful to feel him want me and me to want him,... and to fall asleep in each other's arms after ML. About 3 am,... we pillow talked for a while and then he pulled me so close to him that I actually felt like I had been swallowed up inside him. *happy sigh* We fell asleep like that and that's how we woke up at 6 am.
I know it's not "slow"... but the logistics of the sitch (two houses and some other stuff) is that we have to take it slow, even if our relationship blossoms in good healthy bigger than baby step portions.
One piece of advice to everyone else that I've found through this and when they're ready to approach you (they're going to be afraid and coy)...so .. LISTEN TO THEM. LISTEN TO THEM. LISTEN TO THEM. Be that soft place to fall. It's scary, it puts you at risk of having your heart broken... but... as the forum, DB books, the comments from folks who've done the coaches and Michelle has said herself... DB is MORE than going dark. I think you have to know when to do the LRT/dark... but know when to kick open the drapes when your gut tells you that the WAS is ready. Showing them just how much you are prepared TO love them... in my case went a long way yesterday. *smile*
Hugs to everyone Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/11/0803:56 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Oh...and Transformer.... under the details dept... *smile*
The new pretty black bra ... he liked it, lots!
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Momof2 - a question: did your H sort of roll in and out of MLC mode for a while afterward, quite a while even in places or different areas of his personality? Mine is in "let's purchase the moon" mode one minute and cautious the next. I expect him to still have remnants of this for a while and the sitch with the outgoing OW is going to take some time to deal with. ("She's a headcase" - in his words).*grin* Momof 2, any advice on how to ride the ebbs and flow of MLCing during this?
I've taken the "listen advice" to really mean a couple of things... of course, they need the soft place to fall etc,... but also they have to be "indulged" I think. They be the center of the attention. It's about "them"... at this stage. Easier than I thought it would be,... I guess getting what I want (him and I trying to work this out)... does make putting my stuff on the back burner easier. Some things he says twinge, but I'm determined to not let those things get to me. Also pick the right time to introduce the twinge (a day later etc)... so I'm not emotional about it and it can be discussed easily.
So anyway... We had 2 more sleep overs. Both Thurs and Friday night (although Thursday was pre-empted by the OW losing her nut and him having to high tail it out of here to go deal with yet another of her many melt downs. - don't ask!) He came back to catch some z's with me about 4 am.
After the lovely Wednesday where we ML, actually I took some of Transformers advice and got some sexy things to wear... and bought this book called Red Hot Touch. He LOVED the things I learned. Neat book actually. Explicit, and showing you how to use your hands to really hit all the pleasure areas - and give ya some new tricks. I was racing around last night (Friday) before he got here... getting pieces of fake fur, dangly jewelery to tickle his skin with, etc. Was fun to make a "toy box". I'm heading to the dollar store today
H has been burning the candle at both ends during this (and dealing with her melt downs for weeks now).. and he was so relaxed that he actually fell asleep. I'm not disappointed. He actually fell asleep in my arms before OW's Thursday melt down, again afterwards,... and again last night. He felt bad that I had planned out the stuff, (including the 2nd sexy bra)...and he was just so zonked that he went into a deep, deep relaxed sleep. Frankly, I feel that just dropping into such a relaxed state is as good as ML. It means he's letting himself be comfortable with me... that's a good step forward.
We've been talking on the phone 3 and 4 times a day... and had a relationship talk ... talking about how couples have to protect their number 1 priority towards each other beyond anyone else. (It was in relation to her becoming completely out of the picture). He agreed... that she will need to be COMPLETELY out of our lives... so that we can make a strong unit and work on just one another. His words: (Since I was the one who introduced the concept and said that he'll need to get off the roller coaster and stop "rescuing" her)... was "Absolutely". We agreed that there will be a few people in our lives that will be complete "no go" zones. No contact zones. She... and the guy that he thinks I had this affair with,... will obviously be part of that package.
So that's it for now... need coffee, need a shower,... and off to the dollar store I go!
*hugs to everyone* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
It's a roller coaster ride, I'll tell you. As I mentioned in Ali's thread... if ya'll knew the whole story... geeze... it's quite the drama! I will promise to fill the spots in, but for sake of not tempting fate... I'll remain quiet about certain aspects yet.
Suffice to say,... in the last two days (and I"ve changed my profile to reflect it)... H has admitted that he knows she wanted to attach herself to "the name". ... the family name. He has been seeing that for the last couple of weeks. Also realizes that she's a moonbat. *smile* He's realized how manipulative and a conniver she is. She's presently stopping at nothing to try to yank his strings. She's threatened him, she's trying to screw with his head, etc etc etc. She's quite the piece of work.
He also admitted something in R talks about "me"... and said... well I managed to F-up your life. That's a big step,... I told him we'll have lots of time to deal with the heart wounds... right now, we have other things we need to keep concentrate on. Eventually he'll finally realize (hopefully) that the conniving also translates into her part in his believing what he did about my "non-affair". We have time for that... all in good time.
Being his "safe" place... has actually calmed me down too. Has actually translated to being "our" safe place... for me as well as him. I didn't expect that.
Out for now... I need to get my powertools out and screw in some shelves in the garage.
Hugs to everyone Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/15/0802:14 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I'm just going to throw something else out here that just came to me while posting to Ali's thread...
Closing the door for me... emotionally distancing... gave me the strength to deal with this latest stage. I wouldn't have been able to do it, UNLESS I had gotten my own self back on track.
The reality, I needed to have my own self put together, in order to deal with this latest stuff... and had I not,... H and I could and potentially would have put the final nail in the coffin 9 days ago.
Abbey
Last edited by Abbey; 09/15/0802:32 PM.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
It's funny how new things can help you feel new inside too!!!!