thanks for stopping by greg I always appreciate your posts.
I have in the past tried to "schedule" time with h not necessarily for physical intimacy but simply for us time...the answer I've gotten in the past is it can't be done..he can't promise that he can be available because he doesn't know what the day will bring him...kind of a crappy attitude since his customers and employees get him on a per diem basis...
ie. the appology phone call that I got yesterday included an explenation that one of his employees was having an issue...he (h) didn't want to let it wait til the end of the day or the next day so he took the time to address it and solve it right then.
shouldn't our m be given the same consideration? shouldn't our or my issues be given the same priority? they never have been...there's always an exuse...tired, busy etc.
Quote: Perhaps if you can't tell H - then you should tell someone else. Not just vent here, but talk to a therapist, face to face contact. Perhaps the empathy and immediate feedback is what you are really seeking. Explore your dark feelings with someone who can help you understand them. H probably can't help you there right now. You need to be able to identify those feelings and embrace them and put them in their proper perspective.
I do speak to some of my friends about things...all be it a bit less than during seperation as I don't want to "complain". plus it would seem that most of my issues seem solvable and seem to point in the direction that h just isn't motivated to act toward solving them. h would then only point out that he is...gee what about this or what about that..typical mars attitude ya know?
Quote: What are your goals? Are you in a holdng pattern, waiting for H to "get it"? H may never "get it" exactly the way you want him to. He has to "get it" in his own way and it's not something that you can or should control.
not sure if I am waiting for h to "get it" or if I'm waiting for myself to "get it". I know that I would like for h to ask me to be his wife...simply by asking me to put my rings back on...that has been made clear to him..guess it will just be in his time or never.
Quote: Where do you see yourself headed? your posts seem somewhat obsessed with what H is doing - alot. I see you are taking EMT classes - good for you! What about some small projects at home? Carving out your own little niche in the yard - just for you? I know that you have painted in the house, are there other projects that you could tackle? Make project plans - don't just wing it - plan it, and use your goal setting skills to help you gauge your work.
where am I headed? what do I want to be when I grow up?
oh boy?
I actually have a bs already, the emt class is just something to do...volunteering for the town..being a part of something etc.
not sure where I will go with things career wise after that..the kiddos are still young and I don't know when I'll go back to "work". realized there is a summer camp in town..thought of looking into it when the kids are old enough to attend...I could possibly work there and then find something in the school system during the school year but it will be 4 years before both of them are in school.
painting is pretty much done inside the house, all that's left to do is put up the border in dd's room that just came in the mail. then to pick out a bed for her as she's now climbing out of the crib. I do have a hill in the yard that is mine (h is landscaper so the yard is his territory cept for that hill) I planted wild flowers on it the past two years but would like to do someting more with it...a little meandering walk way to a bench, birdbath and what not, not too tacky but some serene retreat...been looking at it but would require some assistance of supplies from h.
Quote: I'm trying to push you a bit to keep you from letting yourself get sucked into a deep dark cheeseless tunnel - you can walk out of the tunnel LL.
I know I can walk out of the tunnel, I just would like for h to be a friend when I do...it is when our interaction becomes stale that I head toward the dark places.
funny yesterday I was feeling down about us, on my way to emt class I called a radio talk show to comment on the topic being discussed, h called while I was holding (that was a surprise) and then called when I got off air (he listened) and we talked a bit, it was like we were good friends the brief conversation was great but I had to get into class so I had to cut it short. by the time I got home h was asleep that kinda bums me out and then the feelings roll on down from there. suppose I should try to be more like h and not have my feelings depend on how he is or where he is.
this really would be a whole lot easier if I did not believe in the possibility that h really should be with ow. but suppose also that I should take his word in that "if I was meant to be with her I wouldn't be here would I".
