Sorry I haven't been by your thread in a while. You seem to be struggling and scuffling along. Your posts hint at an unidentifiable darkness that seems to be closing around you.
One of your complaints is that H is not responding to your needs as you want him to. Are you telling him this - directly? No hints, no waiting for H to read your mind, no hoping that H "finally gets it" with a great epiphany from above. Tell him what you need and want from him - us men tend to be pretty thick skulled - even when there is a pretty smart brain underneath. You are going to have to MAKE time for the both of you. Think about setting aside a time with H - make time for each other - with his agreement. Then stick to it. Spontinaety is great, but with H's workload it might never happen. Work with H, I'm sure you can carve out a time somewhere.
Perhaps if you can't tell H - then you should tell someone else. Not just vent here, but talk to a therapist, face to face contact. Perhaps the empathy and immediate feedback is what you are really seeking. Explore your dark feelings with someone who can help you understand them. H probably can't help you there right now. You need to be able to identify those feelings and embrace them and put them in their proper perspective.
What are your goals? Are you in a holdng pattern, waiting for H to "get it"? H may never "get it" exactly the way you want him to. He has to "get it" in his own way and it's not something that you can or should control.
Where do you see yourself headed? your posts seem somewhat obsessed with what H is doing - alot. I see you are taking EMT classes - good for you! What about some small projects at home? Carving out your own little niche in the yard - just for you? I know that you have painted in the house, are there other projects that you could tackle? Make project plans - don't just wing it - plan it, and use your goal setting skills to help you gauge your work.
I'm trying to push you a bit to keep you from letting yourself get sucked into a deep dark cheeseless tunnel - you can walk out of the tunnel LL. Control who you can - YOU. Love and help who you can - your family. The real cheese is in a different tunnel, and there is alot of cheese out there!
