Quote: I most of all resonated with what you said about affairs...the whole "fell into it" stuff. I dunno...maybe it's not so much that our Ses didn't KNOW what they were doing but that they didn't care??? Ouch. Easier to think that they were in so much pain that by the time they figured out what they were doing was wrong the pain relief it was providing was so significant that they couldn't stop?
let's see....I did ask h why? I asked what did you think while you were doing it? were you sitting there thinking LL's a bitch anyway screw her? or were you thinking LL doesn't care so why shouldn't I.
his response was that he thought I didn't care.
it's funny what we communicate to others without even realizing it.
I always did care...infact I cared too much...wanted him too much...didn't give him a break...space...appreciation for what he did do for me..ok so I appreciated it but my appreciation got lost in the complaints of what I wasn't getting.
why they don't stop it is a complicated thing. some don't stop it because they are dilusional and think it's real. others don't stop because..well you don't care anyway so why shouldn't I continue etc etc etc. there's a whole aray of reasons why they don't stop it. why doesn't the alcholic stop drinking or the drug addict etc. some learn and some have to crash before they learn to stay away from that temptaion some just know enough.
I've never had much patience in dealing with things. I still get frustrated from time to time. h is busy at work and doesn't always outright say so he'll simply be short wich frustrates me so I now end the conversation letting him get back to what he's doing. I so want to call him back and give him crap for putting me off but I don't...today I let myself fester with resentment about it but still didn't call...ok so I did call ow's house (used a little number so my # would be blocked she wasn't home anyway) and not more than a few minutes after h called to appologize for being short, explained that he was at a job and one of his employees was having an issue and yada yada yada. part of me sits and says ya right whatever. but then why shouldn't I believe him...would I have believed him had I not just called her house? probably so then why the heck did I do that? my own foolish insecurities creeping in again.
it was really nice having h around all weekend but it spoiled me and now I miss him more. it also doesn't help that sun night I tried to initiate and was turned down, being told "not tonight I'm too tired tommorow night" and it's now thursday and there has been no return, I was even foolish enough monday afternoon to put on a mini skirt and a tube top, refreshed my make-up and all with no response. that has sort of left me feeling bad about us but that is an old issue I guess.
so when h had called to appologize for being short on the phone eventually I started to cry, tried to hide it but that damn guy knows me too well and ask what was wrong...I told him that I miss him...he expressed that he misses me to and that is why he keeps asking me if I've made any arrangements for our family get away.
I wish this ride were automatic, I'm getting tired of having to push the cluch and shift the transmition into gear.
it's funny ya know, h's buddie and w were over last sat night...I sat and talked with her...she made a comment something about the fact that she'd never get married again if anything were to happen because one full time job is enough. she's got that right.
I used to simply focus on my son and my home...working on my m seemed to just come easy...I thought I was working on my m then...I guess I wasn't...I don't know...I just wish things were easy...when will it be easy? when will it be always relaxed...when will the doubt and fear go away? will it ever? is it up to me to let it go as h says? is it simply my own wall that I have to let down? does h have his own wall?
full of questions today.
class tonight...think my mom just pulled up to watch the kids...better run.
