ponderings

[lostlove]

the shift

found myself locked out of my current thread wich I suppose is just as well since it was drifting anyway.

lots of stuff running through my head these days.
my conversation with my dad yesterday didn't actually set me off I was already in a mood to begin with.

just some stirrings I suppose...allowing myself once again to feel bad for myself and wondering if I'm living it right.

on one hand I've got this great life...I've got an awesome home with a beautiful yard...the kids and I don't have to leave for anything, we've got it all right here.

I don't work (well other than to care for the kids and the house) right now and haven't since bed rest two weeks before son was born (he's now 4) and there is no pressure to go back.

I have the ability to volunteer for the towns ambulance company and a h who admires me for doing so.

though it is sometimes hard for me to tell because h doesn't speak my language I know h does love me.

what's missing???

is anything missing??



Why Georgia

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
I’m just stuck inside the gloom

4 more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

cause I wander sometimes
about the outcome
Of a still verdictless life
am I living it right
am I living it right
am I living it right
why, why Georgia, why

rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood and places to make it feel like home
but all I feel’s alone

it might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
either way

I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
am I living it right
am I living it right
am I living it right
why, why Georgia, why

so what so I’ve got a smile on
It’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head

don’t believe me
don’t you dare believe me
when I say I’ve got it down

everybody is just a stranger
but that’s the danger in going my own way
I guess it’s a price I have to pay
still everything happens for a reason
is no reason not to ask yourself if you are
living it right

are you living it right
are you living it right
why, why Georgia, why

additional lyrics and intro/outros
...and leave this [censored] behind...

...I guess it's a price I was born to pay...


on a better note back to the three positives.

1. got a 92 on my last emt quiz and attended a water rescue training at the town lake last night with the towns fire and ambulance co's.

2. h still mentioning going away the last weekend in july, and after mentioning dotto's nice offer of her place h suggested another weekend in august!

3. my kids are adorable, healthy and damn funny too!!

LL

[sage]

LL --

Hey. Could really relate to your post yesterday...some stuff about the parents D but I most of all resonated with what you said about affairs...the whole "fell into it" stuff. I dunno...maybe it's not so much that our Ses didn't KNOW what they were doing but that they didn't care??? Ouch. Easier to think that they were in so much pain that by the time they figured out what they were doing was wrong the pain relief it was providing was so significant that they couldn't stop?

I'm not helping here, am I??? Just wanted you to know I could relate.

About a month ago, I started working with a new guy I hadn't worked with before. We had to email each other some stuff and he started sending some cutesy emails interspersed with work ones. I responded a few times (they were innocent enough) but I just had a weird feeling about the whole thing so I put a bit of distance back into the exchange. Didn't seem that difficult to figure out at the time. I'm just not the flirty type (heck, maybe that's my problem at home!! ) so it's never felt that tough to me to have strong boundaries with male friends. Not saying I've never been attracted to another guy (duh) -- just that seems straightforward enough to know when the waters are dangerous....

Wondering if you and h have talked specifically about the time after your dd's birth. Sounds to me like that's an area that really needs to heal for you.

Sage

[lostlove]

Wondering if you and h have talked specifically about the time after your dd's birth. Sounds to me like that's an area that really needs to heal for you.

like the a itself the "things" that were done at that time will be addressed as they can be.

I at first thought all could be addressed at once but am now realizing that it's a process.

h's a took a while for him to be fully able to appologize for.

his neglect of me during that time, well I have mentioned it but I supppose it came from a place of anger so it wasn't recieved well.

now I'm just really sad about it, really, really sad.
eventually it will be sorted out but mostly it will be my own sorting, I have to accept that time was that time and not fret about it being irreplaceable, heck I cried the last night I nursed her to sleep for pete's sake, knowing that would be the last time I would ever nurse a baby. at least h was comforting that night, suppose that is what I should focus on.

LL

[lostlove]

I most of all resonated with what you said about affairs...the whole "fell into it" stuff. I dunno...maybe it's not so much that our Ses didn't KNOW what they were doing but that they didn't care??? Ouch. Easier to think that they were in so much pain that by the time they figured out what they were doing was wrong the pain relief it was providing was so significant that they couldn't stop?

let's see....I did ask h why? I asked what did you think while you were doing it? were you sitting there thinking LL's a bitch anyway screw her? or were you thinking LL doesn't care so why shouldn't I.

his response was that he thought I didn't care.

it's funny what we communicate to others without even realizing it.

I always did care...infact I cared too much...wanted him too much...didn't give him a break...space...appreciation for what he did do for me..ok so I appreciated it but my appreciation got lost in the complaints of what I wasn't getting.

why they don't stop it is a complicated thing. some don't stop it because they are dilusional and think it's real. others don't stop because..well you don't care anyway so why shouldn't I continue etc etc etc. there's a whole aray of reasons why they don't stop it. why doesn't the alcholic stop drinking or the drug addict etc. some learn and some have to crash before they learn to stay away from that temptaion some just know enough.

I've never had much patience in dealing with things. I still get frustrated from time to time. h is busy at work and doesn't always outright say so he'll simply be short wich frustrates me so I now end the conversation letting him get back to what he's doing. I so want to call him back and give him crap for putting me off but I don't...today I let myself fester with resentment about it but still didn't call...ok so I did call ow's house (used a little number so my # would be blocked she wasn't home anyway) and not more than a few minutes after h called to appologize for being short, explained that he was at a job and one of his employees was having an issue and yada yada yada. part of me sits and says ya right whatever. but then why shouldn't I believe him...would I have believed him had I not just called her house? probably so then why the heck did I do that? my own foolish insecurities creeping in again.

it was really nice having h around all weekend but it spoiled me and now I miss him more. it also doesn't help that sun night I tried to initiate and was turned down, being told "not tonight I'm too tired tommorow night" and it's now thursday and there has been no return, I was even foolish enough monday afternoon to put on a mini skirt and a tube top, refreshed my make-up and all with no response. that has sort of left me feeling bad about us but that is an old issue I guess.

so when h had called to appologize for being short on the phone eventually I started to cry, tried to hide it but that damn guy knows me too well and ask what was wrong...I told him that I miss him...he expressed that he misses me to and that is why he keeps asking me if I've made any arrangements for our family get away.

I wish this ride were automatic, I'm getting tired of having to push the cluch and shift the transmition into gear.

it's funny ya know, h's buddie and w were over last sat night...I sat and talked with her...she made a comment something about the fact that she'd never get married again if anything were to happen because one full time job is enough. she's got that right.

I used to simply focus on my son and my home...working on my m seemed to just come easy...I thought I was working on my m then...I guess I wasn't...I don't know...I just wish things were easy...when will it be easy? when will it be always relaxed...when will the doubt and fear go away? will it ever? is it up to me to let it go as h says? is it simply my own wall that I have to let down? does h have his own wall?

full of questions today.

class tonight...think my mom just pulled up to watch the kids...better run.

LL

[shinybear]

HI LL,

Short and last post of the evening..meds kicking in .

I haven't even had the guts to try to initiate...it's been three weeks since our "date"...I don't get it, we both had a great time ...

I've been where you were monday night and it sucks to feel you've "prepped" and are willing and.....nothing.

LL, I've asked CJ if there wasn't a passive aggressive element to his libido and performance problems. That denying me one of my top love languages is a way of getting back at me somehow.

Oh now I don't even understand what I've wrote, time to go.

Shiny

[holdingon]

Easier to think that they were in so much pain that by the time they figured out what they were doing was wrong the pain relief it was providing was so significant that they couldn't stop?

I think this may be going on with my H. He had no complaints about our M before he had his A. And when he started his A the guilt was so bad that he immediately started rationalizing his behavior by telling me how much he hated me and wanted someone/something else. The A continues too.

LL, I tell myself what I have, a beautiful home and boys and also am not working, although I am thinking about it very much. But my family is not whole, we all miss H very much, except the old H is gone, replaced with a very selfish, me, me, me H all the time. The holding on and waiting is so hard, and really doesn't seem to get any easier for me.

[lostlove]

honestly I don't know what the heck it is...things seem fine and then they don't...

still can't figure it out...is it me? is it h? is it just us? wtf is it? is it nothing at all? I know that I feel something is not right could be this, could be that....does h even feel anything? notice anything? would be no point in my asking as it's not likely that I'd get any kind of answer...

I'm almost feeling like I want to get out again....not be around...take off and go to the movies or something...somethings not right and I don't know what it is and wonder if I even care anymore.

LL

[birdonawire]

LL,

Sorry I haven't been by your thread in a while. You seem to be struggling and scuffling along. Your posts hint at an unidentifiable darkness that seems to be closing around you.

One of your complaints is that H is not responding to your needs as you want him to. Are you telling him this - directly? No hints, no waiting for H to read your mind, no hoping that H "finally gets it" with a great epiphany from above. Tell him what you need and want from him - us men tend to be pretty thick skulled - even when there is a pretty smart brain underneath. You are going to have to MAKE time for the both of you. Think about setting aside a time with H - make time for each other - with his agreement. Then stick to it. Spontinaety is great, but with H's workload it might never happen. Work with H, I'm sure you can carve out a time somewhere.

Perhaps if you can't tell H - then you should tell someone else. Not just vent here, but talk to a therapist, face to face contact. Perhaps the empathy and immediate feedback is what you are really seeking. Explore your dark feelings with someone who can help you understand them. H probably can't help you there right now. You need to be able to identify those feelings and embrace them and put them in their proper perspective.

What are your goals? Are you in a holdng pattern, waiting for H to "get it"? H may never "get it" exactly the way you want him to. He has to "get it" in his own way and it's not something that you can or should control.

Where do you see yourself headed? your posts seem somewhat obsessed with what H is doing - alot. I see you are taking EMT classes - good for you! What about some small projects at home? Carving out your own little niche in the yard - just for you? I know that you have painted in the house, are there other projects that you could tackle? Make project plans - don't just wing it - plan it, and use your goal setting skills to help you gauge your work.

I'm trying to push you a bit to keep you from letting yourself get sucked into a deep dark cheeseless tunnel - you can walk out of the tunnel LL. Control who you can - YOU. Love and help who you can - your family. The real cheese is in a different tunnel, and there is alot of cheese out there!

Greg - Patient, vigilant, hopeful

[lostlove]

thanks for stopping by greg I always appreciate your posts.

I have in the past tried to "schedule" time with h not necessarily for physical intimacy but simply for us time...the answer I've gotten in the past is it can't be done..he can't promise that he can be available because he doesn't know what the day will bring him...kind of a crappy attitude since his customers and employees get him on a per diem basis...

ie. the appology phone call that I got yesterday included an explenation that one of his employees was having an issue...he (h) didn't want to let it wait til the end of the day or the next day so he took the time to address it and solve it right then.

shouldn't our m be given the same consideration? shouldn't our or my issues be given the same priority? they never have been...there's always an exuse...tired, busy etc.

Perhaps if you can't tell H - then you should tell someone else. Not just vent here, but talk to a therapist, face to face contact. Perhaps the empathy and immediate feedback is what you are really seeking. Explore your dark feelings with someone who can help you understand them. H probably can't help you there right now. You need to be able to identify those feelings and embrace them and put them in their proper perspective.

I do speak to some of my friends about things...all be it a bit less than during seperation as I don't want to "complain". plus it would seem that most of my issues seem solvable and seem to point in the direction that h just isn't motivated to act toward solving them. h would then only point out that he is...gee what about this or what about that..typical mars attitude ya know?

What are your goals? Are you in a holdng pattern, waiting for H to "get it"? H may never "get it" exactly the way you want him to. He has to "get it" in his own way and it's not something that you can or should control.

not sure if I am waiting for h to "get it" or if I'm waiting for myself to "get it". I know that I would like for h to ask me to be his wife...simply by asking me to put my rings back on...that has been made clear to him..guess it will just be in his time or never.

Where do you see yourself headed? your posts seem somewhat obsessed with what H is doing - alot. I see you are taking EMT classes - good for you! What about some small projects at home? Carving out your own little niche in the yard - just for you? I know that you have painted in the house, are there other projects that you could tackle? Make project plans - don't just wing it - plan it, and use your goal setting skills to help you gauge your work.

where am I headed? what do I want to be when I grow up?

oh boy?

I actually have a bs already, the emt class is just something to do...volunteering for the town..being a part of something etc.

not sure where I will go with things career wise after that..the kiddos are still young and I don't know when I'll go back to "work". realized there is a summer camp in town..thought of looking into it when the kids are old enough to attend...I could possibly work there and then find something in the school system during the school year but it will be 4 years before both of them are in school.

painting is pretty much done inside the house, all that's left to do is put up the border in dd's room that just came in the mail. then to pick out a bed for her as she's now climbing out of the crib. I do have a hill in the yard that is mine (h is landscaper so the yard is his territory cept for that hill) I planted wild flowers on it the past two years but would like to do someting more with it...a little meandering walk way to a bench, birdbath and what not, not too tacky but some serene retreat...been looking at it but would require some assistance of supplies from h.

I'm trying to push you a bit to keep you from letting yourself get sucked into a deep dark cheeseless tunnel - you can walk out of the tunnel LL.

I know I can walk out of the tunnel, I just would like for h to be a friend when I do...it is when our interaction becomes stale that I head toward the dark places.

funny yesterday I was feeling down about us, on my way to emt class I called a radio talk show to comment on the topic being discussed, h called while I was holding (that was a surprise) and then called when I got off air (he listened) and we talked a bit, it was like we were good friends the brief conversation was great but I had to get into class so I had to cut it short. by the time I got home h was asleep that kinda bums me out and then the feelings roll on down from there. suppose I should try to be more like h and not have my feelings depend on how he is or where he is.

this really would be a whole lot easier if I did not believe in the possibility that h really should be with ow. but suppose also that I should take his word in that "if I was meant to be with her I wouldn't be here would I".

LL

[holdingon]

this really would be a whole lot easier if I did not believe in the possibility that h really should be with ow

WHAT is this about? Did I miss something? You worked and worked and your H came home and you actually let this into your brain? I know I am kind of new to your thread, but explanation please...