I was unfaithful

[SirPrizeMe]

Maxy, your situation sounds very challenging!

If i go out and do new stuff , she is alone at home. I just cant do this.

I know what you mean. Is there a third way? Could you do new things WITH her? Could you find family help to be with her while you are out doing your own thing? How much is she home alone, really? (Sixteen year old people are ok being home alone, as long as there is quality time with you at smoe other time of course).

I totally know what you mean about him checking out of the kids' lives. I had my kids yesterday. I played with them all day. I ask them what they do at the other house, what they do with their mom. She doesn't do anything with them. We built rockets, potato guns (for the boys), played school, rode scooters (girls), played foursquare and played a silly add-on game (everybody). We did a ton of stuff together. It seems obvious to me that they all need more attention. The poor kids.

I want him to wake up one morning and realise his huge mistake !!!!!!!!!

Yes of course you do. And it is a mistake. But you cannot make him realize it any faster by sitting at home hoping, or by letting yourself suffer while waiting. You know that, right?

also struggling with the book. I cant find relevance to trying to get your marriage back when he does not live with me.

It is absolutely relevant to you. Yes, harder for you, but still relevant. "Get a life" applies to everyone. Do stuff that makes you happy and inspired is good advice for everyone. You will be a better spouse, when the time comes, if you are strong as an individual. That means you have work to do now. Get yourself in shape!. Not physically (although you might want to do that TOO), I mean spiritually, emotionally.

I just cant do this.

This is going to sound hokey, but... I want you to put these words and phrases out of your life. "I can't do this" is terribly self-defeating. Remove that phrase from your lexicon. Don't say it, and if you think it, banish the thought. Yes, it is hard. Yes, even unfair. But you CAN succeed, if you look. Regarding your daughter, there ARE ways to go forward. She is 16; you could have a talk with her about things she likes to do. New things you could do together during this time. During that talk you could explain to her that you too, need to do stuff on your own. She will honor this need of yours, but also, she will learn what it is to be a strong, independently driven person. This is a great lesson for her. you can do this and you SHOULD do this.

H lives with his mother at the moment as we clear some debt which will enable him to find his own place ( which I hate the thought of ).

Here's another bit of relevance from the book. Don't resist this urge of his, to get his own place. He will receive it as controlling, or as weakness on your part. You are neither controlling nor weak. Therefore you won't resist his desire to get his own place. You don't like it. But you recognize that it is not your decision. You will embrace the change in him, and allow it to happen, not resist it. This is straight out of the book!

Today he has asked in a round about way if I would go to a rugby game with his family. ...

Not sure if the rugby game is over yet or not. These times are opportunities. Don't second guess them, don't assume he is motivated by base desires. Envision what you WANT to happen, ACT AS IF, (right out of the book). Great chance to look good, be cheery, smile, provide a look into the great person you are.

---

I read a book not long ago called "Love What Is". It is a sort of self-coaching book that helps you to embrace things that ARE, even if you don't like them. Look at them, have an opinion, even a strong one. But don't fight them. Just accept them.

I still wear my wedding rings. Does your wife wear hers?

Heavens, no! She took em off a long time ago. Made excuses - told me her fingers were swollen. Could never tell me straight up. Of course, I don't know for sure if she is wearing her rings because I haven't seen her hands in 9 months. But I am willing to bet LARGE that she does not wear them. she is still seeking FREEDOM!!!!

I don't wear my ring either. Took 'em off after she asked me to. She felt it was controlling of me. It was well after she had filed for divorce that I was still wearing my ring, and I think she felt I was continuing to resist her. I didn't want to antagonize her, so I took it off. It was upsetting. But that's the way it goes.