Thanks, Puppy...wish I could be as assertive and confident everytime I deal with him. That day I was really running on adrenaline, and it worked beautifully!!! Got what I needed, and exactly what Dan is alluding to here. An open, honest convo. about the OW. Somehow, just having the person you love finally be honest about something so painful and something they've been hiding from you for a long time does make a difference. I needed that honesty to know that I too could get past it if he ever decides he wants to try again.
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Somehow, just having the person you love finally be honest about something so painful and something they've been hiding from you for a long time does make a difference.
Hey John, If you read Amy and PDT's last posts, they speak to why I've been wanting hard proof. I've suspected she was unfaithful since mid-July. I've known since the last week in August when I took the text messages and put them in threaded order and with clear eyes read what they say.
For the past 3 weeks, I've been saying that my wife is having multiple affairs. I don't say that she is maybe having affairs, I know that she is. I've been back and forth because I've not know how in the absence of hard proof to get her to stop lying about her behavior and because I've been trying to make peace with not being able to fix things.
Somehow, just having the person you love finally be honest about something so painful and something they've been hiding from you for a long time does make a difference.
Oh, ABSOLUTELY!
Puppy
Thanks, you don't know how much it helps to know that my desire for this honest communication isn't irrational or crazy.
I know that's tough too...the financial side of things. When, H left, he took a portion of his income with him, but he took a disproportionate amount of our monthly bills. About every 2 weeks he complains that he doesn't have enough money to do things. And, every two weeks, I explain again that neither do I...that he's added a lot to our monthly expenses (by getting separate living arrangements). In some ways, I see that as one of the prices he has to pay for his decision.
However, if you are going to owe more after a D, maybe you are better off leaving it like it is. Try not to think of it as financing your own backstabbing. Try to see it as simply providing support for a wayward family member. I would say, though, that if you've had to lower your standard of living or that of the kids, maybe you should consider giving her a little less. I'd feel differently about my sitch if I was having to make any real sacrifices financially.
And, maybe that will be part of the bluff..."You either come clean or I cut back my financial support..."
Whatever you decide, you'll be okay. It won't be easy, but, you'll be okay!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
And, on the need for the honesty. You are not crazy...to me, that part hurt so much more than the actual affair. How could this man live in my roof, sleep in my bed, and lie to me almost daily for a year or more???? Interestingly enough, since we had that confrontation, he's actually said to me that he's glad it's out in the open too. He said that lying to me was the hardest thing he's ever done. Mind you, he's not giving up the OW, he's just not lying about that anymore!!!
I'll check in later...I've got to get to work!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I know that's tough too...the financial side of things. When, H left, he took a portion of his income with him, but he took a disproportionate amount of our monthly bills. About every 2 weeks he complains that he doesn't have enough money to do things. And, every two weeks, I explain again that neither do I...that he's added a lot to our monthly expenses (by getting separate living arrangements). In some ways, I see that as one of the prices he has to pay for his decision.
Amy, I'm with you on this. Prior to W moving out, we always seemed to be just getting by with monthly expenses. We just seemed to spend too freely. Now W has moved out and our incomes need to support a rent and utilities on a second residence. Not sure how, but I'm able to maintain the mortgage and all the associated expenses. She pays all of her own expenses, but frequently complains that money is tight for basic stuff and she doesn't have enough for anything else. I would never deny the kids anything that they need, but why should I need to pay to support her entertainment?
I get a little of the poor mouth from my W right now. My youngest is in kindergarten only in the afternoon, so I pay for her to be in a program before school on M/W/F and I pay for her and her brother to be in after school care until I get off from work. What I pay for these two programs is about what my W makes at her part-time job.
I haven't pulled out the big hammer yet, but, if I goes that way, there will be some significant changes coming down the pike for my wayward spouse and one of the first things she is going to have to do is get a real 9-5 job and I don't really care if she enjoys it or not.
Somehow, just having the person you love finally be honest about something so painful and something they've been hiding from you for a long time does make a difference.
Oh, ABSOLUTELY!
Puppy
Thanks, you don't know how much it helps to know that my desire for this honest communication isn't irrational or crazy.
Dan
On the contrary, it was that I specifically needed my wife to stop making ME out to BE crazy!
This is word-for-word, from my script when I re-confronted her at the 60-day mark:
"(Wife), I know everything you've done with (OM), everything you've done in your car, and at (OM's best friend's) house, and you need to stop lying to everybody about it. You need to stop lying to me, to our daughters, and to your parents. It’s disrespectful, it’s immoral, and it's been going on for 60 days now and it HAS TO STOP.
"I'm going to give YOU the opportunity to do the right thing, (Wife), and regardless of what you want to do with our marriage, it's time that THE TRUTH BE TOLD, and I will no longer tolerate you making ME look like I'm the paranoid one, when EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE SAID, EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE ASKED YOU, EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE TOLD OTHERS, HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY TRUE, and I'm sure I even missed some of it. Everything has been true, everything has been backed up with evidence, or I wouldn’t have been so hurtful as to make the accusations."
I hear you. My h had a PA about 5yrs ago. The only evidence I had was a couple of text messages, and INTUITION. It took me about a year before I confronted him about it. Long after the A was over and done, but the lies were eating at me. So, I told him about the text messages, and he confessed. It stung all over again. I mean it REALLY hurt, but it also gave me a sense of release. Out in the open, we could talk about forgiveness, etc...
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
