WCW and Nicola: Thanks for your encouragement! There is a point when doing nothing is no longer a strategy or not one appropriate for the entire stretch of time that this takes. I want H to know that I want him. I wish I had the magic words too, or some pixie dust.
So I got some terrible news on Friday after work: my youngest brother died. I may have mentioned him here before. He was an alcoholic and a schizo-paranoiac, which means he was very depressed and had a lot of anxiety issues. Basically he didn't show up at his day program for his dose of meds, and they called my parents, who went to his apartment and found him lying in the kitchen. His chair was tipped backwards and his arms were outstretched. Because he was so young--only 34--and there was no clear indicator of death, an autopsy will be performed. It could be alcohol, but it could just as easily be a heart attack. He didn't appear to have been in pain, and I hope that's true. I hope he was tipping back and just died and kept on tipping, you know?
I knew this call would come one day, but now that it's happened, it's very surreal. He had so many close calls over the years.
I am off of work now for the next 2 weeks. I spent the weeekend getting the details ironed out, including sub plans. My parents weren't sure of the date of the funeral because of the autopsy, so I took as much time as I could to make sure I would be htere. Now the funeral will be Friday or Saturday, so I have a lot of time with them and my old friends in Maryland. That's the silver lining, I guess.
Funny, I was thinking recently about how long it's been since I was back east in the fall. I miss the colors.
I know that he knew that I loved him. I don't regret anything about my relationship with him. He was never going to break through his addictions, and he suffered a lot because of it. My parents suffered as well. He told them recently that trying not to drink was like torture. No one wants to live that way. I am sad, but I'm relieved that he isn't suffering anymore, that my parents aren't suffering, and that I don't have to wait for that phone call any longer.
H was landing in San Francisco when I called him on Friday. He called right back and has checked over the weekend. He told me he'd buy my ticket right there in the ariport if he'd had his laptop with him. I called him this morning thinking that he was back, but he extended his stay through today. I'm glad he's having fun with his family. I asked him to take care of the cats while I'm gone, and he was a little reluctant, but I told him that I need him to do it. It's been difficult dealing with all the details on my own, but my friends here have been so kind and protective. I went to a party on Saturday night--the reception that my FF from WI held--and they were all great. That helped a lot.
