I got lost but look what I found.

[iamlost]

Big update: I've convinced my H to go see a doctor about a possible chemical imbalance, with me along.

I sent him an e-mail listing all the symptoms that I found (added to the previous e-mail that I sent). The e-mail actually pissed him off/scared him, but I think that was because I worded it more urgently than the last one (but still very kindly). Oh yeah, anger is one of the symptoms!

When I finally got him to speak with me on the phone about it, we talked for about 45 minutes. He was very suspicious of my motives (the most off-the-wall one was that I want to use him as my guinea pig, because really, as you all know--I'm a mad scientist that married him to experiment on). I responded with a lot of logical arguments--I asked him to name a symptom on the list he disagreed with (he couldn't name one, and there are about 30 on there). He asked me how I would feel if the situation were reversed, and I said I would be blown away that someone cared enough about me to be concerned and search for an answer. I asked him--what do you have to lose? I offered to pay for the first consultation, if this is the problem, there could be a fairly simple solution, and if it's not, you can rule it out as a cause. I told him that I want him to be happy and healthy, and this has nothing to do with trying to get back together.

His chemical imbalance may be why he can't feel love or joy, but treating it's certainly not going to magically make him fall in love with me again or erase all the terrible painful things he's done and said. He's burned too many bridges and built an argument for it/justified doing it along the way. Why I think he's so resitant to seeing a doctor is because it may prove his arguments/justification false--and then where will he be?

To address this fear, I told him that a chemical imbalance would make all of this not really his fault. I told him my selfish reason is wanting an explanation for why the man who was my husband is gone, why I've gone through hell for the last 5.5 months.

It was a difficult conversation, and not much of it was by-the-book DB, but very neccessary. I'm relieved that he is willing to seek out help, but I am currently disappointed because the doctor that the nice nurse recommended is heartbreakingly expensive, and so we may have to settle for someone from our HMO. The nurse at his office said that she would speak to him about reducing his rates, so we'll see. But it's not looking good. Oh well, you can't always have the best.