I went to the DivorceCare "class" yesterday. Of course, it covers most of what we already know, but like so much, every time you hear the messages, a different piece resonates, depending on where you are in the process.
It brought up some of the feelings from early in the sitch, just remembering the giant hole I literally expected to look down and see through my chest. I've come a long way, but there are different kinds of pain. More manageable, thankfully.
The facilitator asked me to stay after a few minutes after the group. She went through the same thing I did (although she wasn't friends with the OW first). She has been D'd 6 years, and her x is onto gf #4. She told me (again) that this is something, some void, that he feels within him, that has little to nothing to do with me. That he is the one who is broken, who is just delaying the work. She empathized and identified with my pain, and asked to pray for me. It was very touching.
I was sad last night. Knowing that I don't want the person that he has become, not wanting to let go of the life that I loved (even as I have adjusted and am handling the new life really well). Its just sad, the realizations. I wonder now if the feelings I still have are for him, personally, or for my life as a whole, then. Not that I am desperate to change it, anymore - it is what it is. I am taking that point and working with it.
So, grieving sometimes, what was and what I loved. But I am also moving towards a life that I can love in a different way.
I toy with the idea of dating. I'm not serious about it; I'm not ready to be serious, I haven't finished my work. And it isn't a priority. So for right now, if it happens, it is just for the moment. I had a profile up on a dating site, and I just hid it for now. My kids come first, and I'm not that willing to share the rest of my time, which I would have to do when seeing someone.
And that's ok. I need my downtime. I am keeping up with my friends, my house, with my job, I'm about to add in Scouts, etc. I can forsee myself becoming pretty content on my own for awhile.
The sad doesn't stick. I am learning to just sit and feel it for a while when it comes, then put it away for another day.
