I found this particularly helpful. Thanks again Dan for pointing me to that thread. And to Puppy, I think I've wanted a rundown of what you did for a while. (I never did find it in your past threads)
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Fierce,
There's nothing wrong with waiting, so long as, WHILE you are waiting, you don't say or do anything that makes him misinterpret your silence in any way. I "waited" for my wife for three months to end her affair, but it was a whirlwind of pretty ACTIVE "waiting." It took:
- initial confrontation - initial exposure of our adult daughters - additional exposure of her parents, my parents, both families' siblings, her and OM's employer - a VERY aggressive "PLEASE STOP THE LYING, NOW" re-confrontation at the 60-day mark - filing for divorce
All the while, yes, I "GAL" and was generally civil (and at times even loving) and was the best dad I could possibly be. "Look good and smell good" and all that rot.
HOWEVER, let me assure you, that at no point during my 90-day ordeal was I ever NOT working to control of the timeline and the agenda of the endgame. No, I could not control HER, nor her decision as to whether or not to end her affair and return to our marriage, but I never stopped observing, studying, praying, getting legal (and other) counsel, seeking support from family, friends and here on this forum, etc.
ACTIVE waiting.
Finally, I want to say something about this whole "push them toward the OW/OM" thing. I have NEVER understood that, nor agreed with it. BY DEFINITION, we are talking about people in active affairs . . . how much more "close" do they need to be to them???? We cannot "push" them. We can only let them know very clearly what OUR boundaries of personal integrity are, and that our patience is not without limits. What they then DO with that information, is entirely up to them.
Do I think it's possible to drive away a spouse, to push them towards an OM/OW? Yes . . . by being a JERK, unloving, a poor parent to their children, a person of low or no integrity, engaging in fights and angry outbursts, not living up to our responsibilies, etc., etc. But NOT by being a person of strong integrity and letting them know that we are NOT willing to live with a third person in our marriage.
OK, end of rant. I feel much better now.
Puppy
This makes me wonder if I should have a calm yet serious conversation where I clarify my feelings that I don't want a D but it's not OK for her to be cheating etc...
Hi, HTTE --
I think if you'll go back to your old posts, you'll see that's pretty much exactly what I was trying to encourage you to do back in mid-May. I'd especially refer you back to my post to you on 5/21.
You've lost four months. Get crackin', if for nothing else, than for YOURSELF. I'm not busting your balls (OK, I am) -- we all are not ready to hear it at the same pace. It took me nearly TWO YEARS to face the SSM warnings I was being given, and SIX MONTHS of VERY strong (yet loving) confrontation from my friends on the SSM board, who were warning me that my wife was ripe for an affair if I didn't change my approach. I didn't listen. But once I found out about her affair, I acted IMMEDIATELY.
Please do what you have to to do stand up for yourself. I worry about your long-term self-esteem, whether or not this marriage works out.
