I've not read your whole sitch, but I've read up on this post, and I wanted to share a little of how I handled things in my sitch.
My H has been having a EA/PA for at least a year with OW from work. I knew about, and I asked about it, and he denied it, and I found another TM, and I asked about it, and he denied it, and so on and so on and so on. He moved out the 1st of August, and I got a call from a mutual friend who confirmed my suspicions...but, I knew without that confirmation. Just like you know without the pictures!
So, I went to his office. I asked to talk to him outside, and I said, "I'm thinking of seeing the attorney, and the tone of that meeting will be set by the convo. we have right now. I know you are a having PA with OW, and you can continue to lie about it and the meeting with the attorney can go badly for you or you can fess up, and we can try to get through this civilly."
Well, he fessed up. He was so sure I knew that he couldn't continue to lie. He thought I'd hired a PI, and he even asked what proof I had. My response, "It doesn't matter...we can suffice it to say that I have enough proof to know that it's been going on for some time, that it's physical, and that you've been lying."
To this day (six weeks later) he still doesn't know I didn't hire the PI. And, by the way, I've still not filed for D. I did consult the attorney, but that's all I've done, and all I intend to do for now. I have children with this man, and we had what I thought was a good marriage. It's a lot to walk away from, and, at this point I'm just going to give it some more time. I've picked a date at which point I will reevaluate whether I should proceed with the D or continue to wait it out (working on me and praying he'll come around). That helps some...to have a future date identified. It takes the day to day pressure off the decision away. You don't have to think about it daily because you don't have to decide until said date.
At any rate, if you can bluff well, you can claim to have evidence that you don't for the confrontation. If you are calm and confident about it and tell her you know already rather than asking her about it, you might be able to get her to confess. Then, once it's out in the open, you can decide how you will deal with it. And, she'll have to deal differently as well...she can't just continue to try to hide it from you.
Dan,
This is PRECISELY what I was trying to get at. One of the benefits of good intel is that the wayward person doesn't know what you know, and they also don't know what you DON'T know. When I re-confronted my wife at the 60-day mark, I actually brought a 9 x 12" yellow clasped envelope with me, filled with nothing but some old bank statements!!! I held it on my lap and patted it while I talked with my wife about knowing for a fact what she was doing, and "having proof that everything I'm saying is true." And I gave her exactly five minutes to decide to start telling our daughters, and her parents, the truth and STOP lying about ME, or I would show them all my proof.
We drove directly from there to talk to her parents, and she told them the truth, and she told our daughters that weekend. It took another month for the affair to end, but make no mistake: that night was the BEGINNING of the end, as the fantasy and the deceit were forever shattered.
Quote:
So, I went to his office. I asked to talk to him outside, and I said, "I'm thinking of seeing the attorney, and the tone of that meeting will be set by the convo. we have right now. I know you are a having PA with OW, and you can continue to lie about it and the meeting with the attorney can go badly for you or you can fess up, and we can try to get through this civilly."
