I would suggest that you let him know that you know, and show him that you can do it without screaming, begging, crying, etc. In other words, A MIDDLE GROUND between the passive-aggressive approach you've tried so far.
Does that make sense? So far it seems you've swung wildly between aggressively screaming and crying at him, to passively condoning his continued infidelity.
Neither of those approaches will work.
What DBing is about is letting them know that you are aware of the infidelity, that you are NOT okay with it, but that you also know that he is an adult and that you cannot control him. If there are aspects of it (say, text messaging her in front of you, or coming home after a certain hour) that you find unacceptable, then establish those as your personal boundaries, and then MAKE SURE YOU STICK TO ENFORCING THEM. But beyond that, "drop the rope" as they say. Work on YOU (that's what GAL is -- "Get A Life"). Mentally, you move on. You let him know you love him, and this is NOT what you want, and that you are categorically NOT OKAY with it, but you STOP working on the relationship with him, and you work on YOU and your kids, instead.
My bet is he'll respond to that.
Put it this way: think of those two precious little girls. I have two daughters also, about that same age apart, and they are now 21 and 19. How would you counsel your oldest daughter, 18 years from now, if she came to you with this same problem?
The problem is he will deny everything and tell me i'm paraniod again, he is a very good liar. But i have made it clear that i am not happy for him to see other women.
Also what i have found is that when i say he should be home he stays out later but when i show him im not bothered he comes home. With textin her he locks himself in the bathroom. He hides his phone all the time. He is pleasent with me now because he sees more confidence in me.
Also the atmosphere at home is really good at the moment if i tell him i know then i find it real hard to act normal around him.
I love my daughters so much If they had this problem I would support them and want them to be happy. My parents say I should do what ever it takes to win him back and keep my family together.
Deep down I am so scared of being alone and what my future holds.
Deep down I am so scared of being alone and what my future holds.
I felt exactly like that too a few months ago! I think the fear keeps you from doing what is best for you and your kids. You have to try to work on that. I found that GALing really helped my self-confidence, just allowing myself to spend more time doing fun stuff, activities, time with friends, etc.
My H and his behavior toward me, very derogatory, had really destroyed my self-confidence. His texting OW, and going on dates with her made me feel really small. Time spent away from him and with supportive friends really helped me realize I was stronger and smarter than H was giving me credit for. My friends here really helped also. And I was seeing a C once a week, now 2x month. Church and my church family helped too. Maybe you could do some of this kind of stuff, too? Whatever you feel like/can fit into your schedule... Karen
The problem is he will deny everything and tell me i'm paraniod again, he is a very good liar. But i have made it clear that i am not happy for him to see other women.
Also what i have found is that when i say he should be home he stays out later but when i show him im not bothered he comes home. With textin her he locks himself in the bathroom. He hides his phone all the time. He is pleasent with me now because he sees more confidence in me.
Also the atmosphere at home is really good at the moment if i tell him i know then i find it real hard to act normal around him.
I love my daughters so much If they had this problem I would support them and want them to be happy. My parents say I should do what ever it takes to win him back and keep my family together.
Deep down I am so scared of being alone and what my future holds.
Hi Sabrina, my H is also in an A with OW who works for him. He is moving out next week (what he wants). In my case, I let him know that I know of the A, which H denies vehemently (since she works for him he knows that they both can get fired), also I work there also and even though OW works in other building our paths cross. So as far as the A, I cannot ask it to stop since he wants to move because "he is not happy" and has not been happy for 21 years. With that said the only solution that is available to myself is to work on me. I am keeping the conversation pleasant at home till he leaves. (not always successful but working on it), if he says he is going out I tell him "have a good time". When he comes home late (one night at 4 am) I don't say anything. When he came home that late one night he said to me, I am surprised that you were not calling me 24/7. I said why would I do that? It kept him wondering. That is what we want. Not to see us as they perceive us to be (nagging, controlling etc), but to change that view. Do I get upset??? Yes, sometimes I take walks on the beach and rage, scream and cry and try to get it out of my system. But I am trying to keep working on it alone till he comes out of the MLC fog.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
The problem is he will deny everything and tell me i'm paraniod again, he is a very good liar. But i have made it clear that i am not happy for him to see other women.
Then the next time he lies to you, put your hand up in the "STOP" position and say "STOP IT. We BOTH know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. If you want to continue lying about your affair to other people, go right ahead, but please stop doing it with me, because that dog won't hunt here. Also, you should know that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover UP your affair, either."
Then drop it.
Do this every single time he lies about it. Eventually, he will most likely stop lying to you about it, and just keep it "neutral," which is a big mental and emotional victory for you.
The other thing you're going to need to do is lay down some boundaries. 2-3 things that are killing YOUR self-esteem and integrity. Sounds like the TMing from inside the house would be a great place to start:
"(Husband), look, I can't stop you from having an affair. You're a grown man and you're free to make your own foolish mistakes, if that's what you want to do. I WILL ask you, however, to stop text messaging or calling your girlfriend from inside of our home. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family, and I won't tolerate it. If you must, then go outside on the lawn and do it, but not in my home."
I have recently began working as i was a fulltime mom for 3 years. He pays for bills, mortgage, car, phones and grocery shopping and controls everything.
I should stand up to him and I wish I had when he came home with a love bite which was 2 months ago. I had proof that he was cheating before because I was snooping in his things and recording his conversations, which resulted in me loosing respect by making empty threat.
Latley I have changed as I dont react, act suspicious, call him, cry, beg and nag. The atmosphere at home is really nice and he took me to Italy. He has also told me that he has changed and wouldnt cheat again, if i say anything without proof he will call me crazy. I wish i wasnt so weak and intimidated by him, before i met him (10yrs ago) i was a confident energetic woman who loved life.
I have wasted so much of my life worrying about him and what i should do, its time to change and have more faith in myself. I wanted someone to love me for who I am and accept me but for the last 2 years I just feel like why am i not good enough, why am i trying to win his love. I gave him all my heart now it feels like it shatered into pieces.
The other problem is that when i try to GAL or be confident he starts accusing me of cheating and I try to justify myself,because i am worried if he thinks i'm cheating he might cheat more and I want him to be close to me not push him further away. Then he shows me anger and attitude.
Honestly I never used to be this insecure and in the last few weeks am becoming more confident especially since i started working.
