wow a lockout.

[Gman3388]

Well I came home to the sauce cooking on the stove.
It was a great dinner but she seemed on edge the whole night.
W said that she messed up on the sauce etc and kept putting herself down. I told her it tasted great and it did!
Not much else to report. She's working tonight so we will see.

[Imageer]

She kept putting herself down because she is feeling insecure.

Does she know that you know she is having an A? Are you sure she is?

[Gman3388]

She kept putting herself down because she is feeling insecure.

Does she know that you know she is having an A? Are you sure she is?

Thing is she always put herself down. Id tell her that she wasn't at fault or she is pretty or not fat etc and she would roll her eyes and say "you have to say that" She's always had a self esteem problem.
As for the A I didn't bring it up. Ive been told things but she most likely thinks I don't know.
I'm not even entirely sure its the guy I'm thinking of.
But she'll "barrow" OM sweatshirt and wear it at work etc.
Sometimes its like she drops hints or leaves the room when she talks on her cell. Other times she tells me who is texting her.
Not when its him.
Sometimes its damn hard to figure things out so I try not too.
Ive just resigned myself to thinking she might be screwing around on me and I'm standing for my marriage and the vows I made.
She'll either come back or she'll leave.
If you love something, set it free.......

[Imageer]

Thing is she always put herself down. Id tell her that she wasn't at fault or she is pretty or not fat etc and she would roll her eyes and say "you have to say that" She's always had a self esteem problem.

My W would always say "Ya, but you are biased" when I would say these things to her. I think my W has a self esteem problem too. I never actually reaized it though until after the bomb. my W has always been very confident but I have come to realize (I think) that she is over compensating for a lack of self esteem.

Your W confuses me. I honestly don't know what else to say. Her actions are very confusing. The uncertainty must cause you alot of stress.

[Gman3388]

She does....Thats one of the reasons I started working out.
:P

[Gman3388]

I found out yesterday that my sister is in the hospital with pneumonia.She has a few strikes against her because she is in need of a kidney transplant and takes dialysis. To top it all of she is Bi polar thanks to a broken marriage and a real charmer of an ex hubby. She had marriage issues back in the 80's with this A**hole. Not only did he treat her like shite but he used to parade his girlfriends in front of my sister in there own home.
All this and left to raise 2 young daughters. She like me and my other sister, were raised to try and make marriages work. Not to give in.
She couldn't take the stress and did some time in a mental institution.
Fast forward to present day....
She is doing better. somewhat awake but in pain of course.
She knew I was there yesterday and today when I saw her.
But with all the meds that they are giving her for the breathing issues, she's off her meds. So she is going manic.
It gets painful to see her in such a state and I wonder just how much more can I take. I pray and God takes the burdens away.
I wonder though why damn good people must go through this [censored] that our spouses are putting us through. Why us? That's the 64,000 dollar question....

My W surprised me in a few ways through this all.
After the call from my mom, I called the W not only to tell her about sister but to have the kids say goodnight as we always do when she works. She was exceptionally busy so she couldn't take the call so her co workers said they would tell her I called.
I later texted her the news and in a few moments she had called home. She was still at work and said it was a rough night. She said she hated there and wanted either a few days off or wanted to quit all together.
She asked what was going on and told me next time to tell the coworkers that its a family emergency get W now!
She said she would be home as soon as she could.

When the wife got home she told me to take her car and gave me a much needed hug. She told me to keep her up to date on sister no matter what the time. (it was 11:30 pm when I left to go see sister)

Fast forward to today...
She again told me to go in today and see sister and that to be home before she had to go to work at 5. Her and the kids had a mommy day while I went in to visit.
I went in and visited for a while and during one of my updates W told me that the finance company for her car might repo it because we are a little behind unless they here from us.
I'm going to try and talk to W about this because a lot of things need paid and I cant do it all. I don't expect much but she needs to know that if she wants this car, she needs to help out.
Its tough for me to get everything paid and W knows this.
Yet she wants me to talk to the finance company. She joked if you help me with my car Ill help with yours. I say that because Mine (which I own) is in need of a state inspection. I sunk 175.00 in it today for a new windshield because it was cracked.
She knows a guy who own a garage and can inspect it for me.
She said she would pay for it too.

Later when I got home from the hospital I sat by W while she played a computer game on her comp. I got a few friend pats and smiles from her. She went in to shower up before work and called me in to ask a favor. (our washer and dryer are in the bathroom)
She wanted me to put a few things in the dryer while she showered. I proceeded to while she got undressed in front of me.
Something she hasn't done in months.
Made me wonder why actually.
Later I called for night nights for the kids and she got on the phone.. after W wished the kids goodnight she told me that she is going to hang out with her gf at the bar for a few hours.
Later I get a text saying that she is closing the bar and then going out to eat with gf.
I'm really having issues believing her.

Seeing my sister again today and seeing what she is going through and all that she has gone through I cant help but wonder.
How much more?

[Gman3388]

Journaling...
Yesterday when I woke up I was in a bit of a foul mood.
W took notice. Her actions were measured and nice towards me.
My boys and I left in the early afternoon for a scout activity which was great fun and broke me out of my mood. I got a few calls from W while I was there. She told me she and daughter were planning a special dinner for yesterday. My mood towards her improved a little and I kept my tone somewhat neutral but I encouraged her about the dinner.

Later when I got home I didn't right away notice that dinner was in the fridge but my son did. Shish kabobs!!! And they were damn good too!! I said hello to W but my mood was beginning to return. She noticed.
I sat down to watch the rest of the race and after a while W got up to cook the kabobs on the grill. I noticed she wasn't really happy and I asked her twice if she wanted help but she said she would handle it.
A few times I looked out the window and saw her sitting by the grill just staring off into space deep in thought.
D8 then told me what her and mommy did while the boys and I were away. Seems they stopped into the bar to talk to grandma who was working there yesterday.
D8 then told me that mommy's friend gave her a dollar.
I was upset at that. OM? hangs out at that damn bar too.
I instantly thought the worst.
My mood went straight to heck.
Later as we were sitting down D8 asked W what the mans name was and W said it was an older regular who..etc etc.. turns out it wasn't OM? so my mood improved.
after that W and I goofed around some which was started by her.
We hugged a lot playfully. At one point I looked up and caught her smiling. I kiddingly said "what are you so happy about!"
She said "I'm allowed to smile" The night went well.
W found a new game she is interested in.
(seems we're following a pattern again...see my old stitch from last year.)
A little later I went to bed but before I went I asked W if I could have a hug. She happy let me. It was a good hug too.

[Gman3388]

The past 2 days have been interesting.
W was faced with loosing her car because we are behind on the payments. For 2 months now Ive been telling W what I have paid in the form of a letter.(I made copies)
Well yesterday I had to call the finance company as I'm the co signer. I then relayed the bad news to W. If she didn't come up with X amount they were getting the car. Her attitude went to the teenage route and she said well I don't know what we're going to do.
I said nothing....
After a few moments of silence we got off the phone.
Later she calls me, quite depressed but when the subject of the car came up she began to cry.
I didn't say much with the exception on I couldn't pay it.
I resisted the urge to point fingers and play the blame game with her because I know it would have got me NO WHERE.
Just then her mom called her cell and we hung up.
I wanted her to find the way to pay it. To grow up and be the big girl.
Again she called and after several seconds said "I don't know what to do"
I said neither do I (tone kept friendly)
again we hung up.

Later when I got home from the gym she was sitting at her desk and said to me "I came up with 2 options... I can either ask my boss or sell my old rings."
I got upset at that last comment. I told her that I didn't want to discuss the rings because it would open up an avenue that I didn't want to go down right now. And with that I went to the bathroom.
Seconds for she left for work she came to the bathroom door and said she was leaving for work and said "BTW I didn't mean THOSE rings" I said ok and she left.
Later she called and said she borrowed the money from her boss and could I come pay the bill. (we had until 6:30pm)
I said yes and I kept my mood friendly and light.
Hers was down but friendly.
Later when The kids and I called for bedtime she said she was finishing up and was coming right home in about 10 mins.
The rest of the night was friendly between us. Normal TV watching.

Tuesday she went and bought a few new fish for our aquarium but she didn't get anything without calling me first.
Tho Id rather she spend it else where, like on bills, I let her go.
Pretty much a normal night but a few things...
She didn't get very many texts or phone calls on her cell.
She even shut it off early in the evening.
She is back to finding a game she likes to play on her computer.
Same as last year.
Later when she went to couch, I said good night and before I walked out of the room told her that if she gets too cold to come to bed. She didn't say anything.
Today:
Good phone exchanges between us. S10 is sick and W had to pick him up from school today....
More later

[Gman3388]

When I got home tonight W was in a bad mood.
She has been for the past few hours.
I finally asked here if she was OK and she said she was in a pissy mood and really didn't know why. Or if she did she wasn't telling me. She has been getting texts and a few phone calls (which she ignored.) We put the kids to bed and I read to them while W sat on the bed and listened. After we were done,W said that she was going for a ride because she needed to get out for a bit.
Hmmm.....

[Gman3388]

Well I got a text saying W went to MF house....
I prayed the hedge of thorns prayer among others tonight...
Helps me deal with the crap.