Just wondering, for those of you who have been following my extensive threads, whether it seems my H is in MLC? I don't know why this matters, but somehow it might offer me some clarity and help me to cope a little bit better.
He just turned 36 2 weeks ago FWIW. There are a few things that seem to set him apart from the "classic" MLC situation. First, as far as I know, there has never had an OW in any way shape or form. Even with this horrible S I am dealing with, he said that he would not want to date other people. He is focused more on being alone than on what he might have "missed." We were not married extremely young. I was 29 and he was 31, so I don't think it's a matter of having missed out on life. He doesn't spend recklessly, and drinks less than ever.
He says that problems with the marriage were escalating for a year, but he didn't tell me about them, never tried to do anything to fix them, just felt pressured by me the whole time. So in his mind it was these dynamics that would have pushed him into depression. Now though the depression sounds like MLC for the following reasons:
*He seems to be in an existential crisis "not sure if he wants to be married anymore" *He withdraws completely *He seems very confused, at this point has never issued an ultimatum, but always says "we'll see", or "I don't know", or "I'm just trying to figure things out", "I need to see what my soul wants" *Seems to feel VERY guilty, always says he feels guilty and sorry for what he is doing to me
Does this sound MLCish? If so, then maybe this is why my 180s etc. don't seem to be having the impact I would have expected. I have made a lot of real and necessary changes, and while they may have been noted, they don't seem to have had a massive impact. My one thought now is that he may feel I have finally given him "permission" to completely withdraw. Ever since I sent him the very good validating email on Friday, he has been nearly dark on me. He sent one email yesterday to his school where I was CCd. This probably counts for him as contact :). I don't mind this. I was just looking through the 6 stages of MLC as posted in the MLC forum, and was thinking that maybe if he actually IS in MLC, he's in the withdrawal stage. Maybe my email telling him that I was OK with this time apart actually made him drop his own guilt a little and focus more on himself. I am making some assumptions, but I see this as a positive thing now. I know I cannot CONTROL him, but I can hopefully ease his guilt a little bit and help him see that I am OK. If he doesn't need to worry about me, maybe he will come out of the fog a little bit faster. He is certainly trying to get better!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
