Hey ITH!!! Wow you are very organized in you goals. And you have been meeting many of them so relax....take your time and focus on you right now. Take the last weeks in Poland to become one hot irristable chica that your H won't be able get out of his mind when you get back to Dublin.
Originally Posted By: istherehope
to eat at least 1 meal per day,
This is a goal I sure hope that you are meeting!!! The LBS weight lose program is horrible!! I have lost about another 10lbs in the last month with out trying. I mean I like the weight loss and think I look great now but I am a little nervous about losing anymore!!
I'm going to tell you something and I hope you can take it with a grain of salt...you need to set some goals for yourself. From what I can tell 80% of your goals are focused upon how your H feels. Is there any way you can reword them to make you have ownership over them. I'm sorry but right now you have to focus upon how you feel. Take it from my experience it's not healthy to put all your attention on him. You need to make him want to be with you and the best way to do this is to get out there(even if you don't want to) and to GAL. The best thing I did was to join a Hash club here in Venezuela. They don't need to know my sitch but we have fun together no matter what.
take care,
Last edited by JenInVen; 09/15/0802:25 AM.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I think Jen is right. I know that you are focused on your goals with H and that is great but I think you might start to feel a lot better emotionally if you could detach a bit more and the best way to do that is by GAL. I know that you go to the gym a lot and that is good. Do you do anything else? Like maybe something that provides a creativity outlet, like your H does painting, do you have a crafty side? Journaling is great too but I think it might just be another way for you to dwell on your situation with you H. Maybe painting or drawing or sewing would be good to try. I find that the process of creating something is great for your mental health and it can give you something to do to keep your mind off your situation in your down time.
I could be way off the mark but it just feels like you are missing something in your life and that you need to look inward to find that fulfillment that you are searching for. You can't let your marriage become your identity and self worth. Your H cannot be your world as romantic as that notion may sound. It's batty!
I do know that you're both right. Again it's the feeling displaced here I think that has gotten to me and made the M situation even worse, if that is possible. I am here 4 more weeks max, and probably more like 2.5 with some upcoming business trips. I just want my home back, and the comforts that go along with it. I'm mad at myself too because I sacrificed a lot to come here, basically put my career on the back burner etc. to make this as easy as possible on us. We're not paying anything for me to live here, and my H gets to stay in our comfortable home. Now when I get back, we won't have the money for another apartment, and I hope he doesn't expect me to try and do something like this again. I am full of anxiety about this when I get back issue. I just want to be around him for a few days and have him see that things can be fine, and yes I know that is not a goal for me.
When I get back I will have lots of things that I need to work on for myself if I have any hopes of salvaging my career! In terms of a creative outlet, I do like to cook. I think what I am missing in my life right now, leaving out the M, is stability, and I am having a hard time focusing on anything else without it if that makes sense...
Anyway I really am going to try to set even mini goals on a daily basis, just 1 thing per day that can at the very least distract me. For the moment it's mostly the gym, but I am also trying to set goals at work too, to go for longer periods where I actually work instead of getting up and going for walks etc. I just need to make it through the next month, and then it's the next chapter. I am not sure if I am doing this in the healthiest way or not, but I am trying. I am starting to realize that many of my H's feelings/actions have nothing to do with me, but I do still want to at least be around him if this makes sense. Part of me feels like I am dishonoring our vows by being here in another country, which I know is probably a weird way to look at it given the circumstances...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just wondering, for those of you who have been following my extensive threads, whether it seems my H is in MLC? I don't know why this matters, but somehow it might offer me some clarity and help me to cope a little bit better.
He just turned 36 2 weeks ago FWIW. There are a few things that seem to set him apart from the "classic" MLC situation. First, as far as I know, there has never had an OW in any way shape or form. Even with this horrible S I am dealing with, he said that he would not want to date other people. He is focused more on being alone than on what he might have "missed." We were not married extremely young. I was 29 and he was 31, so I don't think it's a matter of having missed out on life. He doesn't spend recklessly, and drinks less than ever.
He says that problems with the marriage were escalating for a year, but he didn't tell me about them, never tried to do anything to fix them, just felt pressured by me the whole time. So in his mind it was these dynamics that would have pushed him into depression. Now though the depression sounds like MLC for the following reasons:
*He seems to be in an existential crisis "not sure if he wants to be married anymore" *He withdraws completely *He seems very confused, at this point has never issued an ultimatum, but always says "we'll see", or "I don't know", or "I'm just trying to figure things out", "I need to see what my soul wants" *Seems to feel VERY guilty, always says he feels guilty and sorry for what he is doing to me
Does this sound MLCish? If so, then maybe this is why my 180s etc. don't seem to be having the impact I would have expected. I have made a lot of real and necessary changes, and while they may have been noted, they don't seem to have had a massive impact. My one thought now is that he may feel I have finally given him "permission" to completely withdraw. Ever since I sent him the very good validating email on Friday, he has been nearly dark on me. He sent one email yesterday to his school where I was CCd. This probably counts for him as contact :). I don't mind this. I was just looking through the 6 stages of MLC as posted in the MLC forum, and was thinking that maybe if he actually IS in MLC, he's in the withdrawal stage. Maybe my email telling him that I was OK with this time apart actually made him drop his own guilt a little and focus more on himself. I am making some assumptions, but I see this as a positive thing now. I know I cannot CONTROL him, but I can hopefully ease his guilt a little bit and help him see that I am OK. If he doesn't need to worry about me, maybe he will come out of the fog a little bit faster. He is certainly trying to get better!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So just to add to this again...we all know I can't go very long without posting!
I've been reading through the MLC stuff a lot today, and it has been pretty helpful. I'm more determined than ever not to initiate contact or to let him get to me in any way, doesn't mean I won't cry about the sitch later, but not about specific conversations, just about the overall picture. There have been a few forwarded emails on his tuition, something that I know he's angry with me about. I've ignored them. Then he just IMd about owing money. He said that he would try to use my card, and I told him it was a joint card with his, going toward a common balance. Not sure why he didn't know that before, but my guess is that this is somehow freaking him out like everything else I say with "we", "us". etc. Other than that I have been answering with one-word responses, "yes", "yep", and "OK". From my perspective when he actually wants to talk, we can talk. I am not going to be baited into an uncomfortable conversation about finances in the meantime, and I am not going to let his dark cloud interfere with my positive feelings about the M.
I need to remember that we're in stage 1, I listen and validate, and every once inawhile Stage 2 moments come out, and we talk about iPods and books. For the moment though, we're not quite there...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Ugh and he is doing it AGAIN. He is going off on a tangent about how he hopes we enjoyed the last vacation because he may not be finishing school because of it. This is exactly what he did last week, got really angry, and then sent that dreadful email. The problem I think is that he gets angry, feels guilty, then has to tell me that he can't be around me. Now he just said he is pretty upset about this and doesn't want to talk for awhile.
Me, "I'm sorry H, I understand." H: "It's pretty bad that we both cared so little about this. I know this is not just you but it is definitely us."--the one time he uses "us" is in a negative way. In my head--that was NEVER the case! It's in the budget, but I can't make future references now. So I only say, "there will be money at the end of October to cover the rest, and I'll let you be now". He continues, "I don't want to go anywhere, not even Mexico until this is resolved.", Me: "Of course, I understand."
He is acting as though that vacation cost 10K or something. It didn't. It did make him behind on his payments for last year's tuition, which was bad, but it did not compromise on this year's tuition. Should I say anything more about this? I assume that the answer is no, but he is completely misguided and angry about something that didn't even happen, and is saying I didn't care when I ALWAYS cared...I feel like this gets added to his list of why he doesn't matter in our M. Again, we were very late on MY MBA fees too, but this has NEVER come up, not even once. Is there no way for me to redeem myself here? I REALLY want to mention some of these things to him...
And to top this all off, now we REALLY don't have the money to be apart like this, but he will very much resent me if I bring this up. Now if I WERE to come back early, he would feel completely trapped and resentful, like I had plotted this somehow. In actuality I have given up EVERYTHING in the budget to make sure he can pay on tuition, amounts that he doesn't even really owe for this year, but he is really angry about. So now we have 10 more days before I am paid, and if I don't get back to the house early next month, I do think we will go over budget, but I can't bring this up in any way. I don't want to push him away more than I have, so am SO unsure of what to do next here.
I was good. I didn't say anything. I feel like I am being MAJORLY tested though, as he is being completely unfair...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
ITH - I agree H is being completly unfair in this situation. He is being a DAM and you need to get his emails out of your head. He is taking you on one giant guilt trip and you are going along for the ride. Please don't get upset by me saying this but if he was thinking logically...he claims he needs to be alone,right? If that was really true than him coming up with the payment for school would not be your responsibility at all. He would have to figure that out on his own all together. So he wants the benefits of being married in the financial aspect yet he does not want the real pressure of the marriage itself. So if you think about it with that logic then you need not worry because he does not want out of the marriage.
All that being said....focus on YOU right now. Do things to get this out of your head for the time being or else you are going to drive yourself crazy!! Hang in there.
Well I think H sees this as we have always HAD a joint budget and I CHOSE to plan an expensive trip and use money that WAS ours toward the trip instead of his education. Now, even though we might not stay together, I still OWE him the money for the tuition if that makes sense...Of course his mind is not making a lot of sense today, nor for that matter for the past 3 months!
Yeah financially speaking I know he doesn't want out. We both make good money, but I have bonuses and such that we really rely on. I am certainly not going to threaten to pull them or anything like that though! I'm just trying to steel myself for how he will feel when he finally understands that next month's budget is REALLY short. Let's just hope I'm in his good graces on that day :). When I get back, assuming that we are able to at least keep a joint budget, I may ask him if he would like to take the lead on it going forward. I know he won't want to, as he is "too busy", but I want to try and give him control over EVERYTHING and then it can be his choice.
By the way he sent a slightly nicer email after that last post, realizing he had some more financial aid coming. I was very nice and replied with a few good words about how I was glad it was getting sorted and a smiley face.
So yes as soon as I'm off work for the day, I'll be hitting the gym. I have spent a lot of time on the boards today, but feel like I have been fairly productive as I've been reading about MLC, and finding this seems to fit H fairly well...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hey ITH - Good I'm glad that he sent a nicer email after. You know the money problem with his tuition just might give you a very legit reason to have to stay at your house when you go back. Here's almost perfect scenerio:
H never brings up anything about where you will be staying once you get back. You show up and just unpack like normal. Hopefully he says nothing at all about this but if so you can say "well I was looking over the budget and if everything is going to be paid on time then there is no extra money for me to stay anywhere else" Then you DB your butt off!!!!
Talk everything over with Jody on your next session but it seems like her plan really will work. Have fun at the gym later!!!
