There is a lot of Turbulence at work. It is taking a lot of energy to keep the angst in check and think clearly. There are also a lot of opportunities... Funny how these opportunities would be "long shots" for normal people - but I can see the path very clearly. I know I can make them happen - if I wanted to....
It would be very easy to put the issue of The Block on the backburner again - as I have over and over and over again during the past 5 years... And a part of me really wants to do that - b/c everytime I face The Block - it causes angst and makes me feel off balance and out of control. I can't see the path... And when I can't see a path - I feel off.
I said the first step is putting myself out there - but I feel completely emotionally unavailable. Yesterday - there were interesting wine vendors - I very skillfully navigated myself away from anyone that might have been "eligible." Whenever I sense an interest from someone that might possibly be of interest to me - I reflexively move away. It is so automatic - it is like I am autopilot. I do it w/o even realizing I am doing it.
The bottom line is that I don't believe in my heart that I have what it takes to have a career - raise the children I expect to adopt over the next few years - and be in an LTR... And I don't believe that men that may want to get involved with me have a handle on what an R with someone like me involves.
My appearance and my non-work demeanor - well some men are attracted to that. But I feel like those are misleading representations of what life with me would really be like. I don't trust their ability to see me clearly enough to make R-related decisions.
And I don't know if I have what it takes to be a P in an LTR. I feel like broken record and stuck... I keep posting the same thoughts using different words... I have no patience for setting goals and making absolutely no headway - in FIVE years!
I have discussed this with my C before... I think he is frustrated too... I have no idea what it will take to dismantle to The Block... I am going to set this aside till next weekend. I need to do things this week where I feel like I have the ability to move forward on something
