With all respect to John Denver. I was born in the summer of my 40th year and home is looking like a place I've never been before.
This morning did not start out very well. Yesterday, I told W my plan for today and she said that maybe she should be at the house closer to 0900.
9 o'clock came and went as did 9:30 and 10:00 she finally showed up and we left at 10:20 so a change in plans was in order. Instead of a trip up to Steamboat Springs, we went up to Estes Park, had brunch and then into Rocky Mountain National Park for some hiking and pictures. Afterward, we headed into Boulder for a couple of games of pool and some window shopping on the pedestrian mall. At home, she gave me a hug when she was leaving.
It doesn't sound like a bad day, does it?
Except for the 900lb canary sitting in the middle of the living room floor, it was a pretty good day. The canary of course is her OM plural. I'm a little confused about things now.
Seriously, the week before last, I finally grew up. I don't need her to make me complete. I don't need anyone to make me complete. To that extent, DBing and all the work that I've been doing has been a complete success. Yet, therein lies the problem.
I've spent so long finding the silver lining in every pile of crap that W has dished out for 18 years, that I believe my memories and perceptions of my W are tainted with having been processed through same the co-dependent needy vantage point. What I'm trying to say is that I'm no longer sure that my W and I actually had good times, or if I just remember them as good times because I was in a place that average times were remembered as great times.
I had fun today. I had as much fun as I could have while trying to forget about that canary. But, I look at the time we spent together and I find no enthusiasm for spending time with her. Perhaps this is a normal part of DBing, but, I feel like that since I've grown, I'm questioning if I even want to spend more time with her. If I met her at a party, would I want to know her better? Would I want to have her as a friend? I don't know. Perhaps today was so bland because of the history that we have together. Perhaps she was stifled because of the canary too.
I'm questioning if I ever truly loved her. I'm not questioning it in the usual manner as a re-interpretation of past events. I'm questioning if I've ever even known what love is and what it means. Was it possible for me to love my W when I spent all that time trying to take from her what I needed to be complete?
I'm confused. I'm pretty sure that if my W and I didn't have the kids and history together, that I wouldn't want to be married to her. I'm not sure that I'd want to be friends with her.
I'm not sure where things are going, but, at least I'm feeling stronger and more capable every day. I'm starting to spend a little bit more time with the kids and my responsibilities seem to be less overwhelming.
So, friends, if any of you have some sage wisdom to dispense, please weigh in here and God bless you in each of your individual adventures.
Interesting. Well put. I've been to all those places -- Steamboat (that's a long drive), Estes, and Pearl St. Yup. Nice day. What's the name of that little town you get to before steamboat, with a gas station and a pharmacy? That was where we first tasted the orange cream sodas. And Weinhart's root beer. Good memories.
Oh, about your life. Well, did you love her? Was it real love? If you thought it was, then it was. Love doesn't have to stand up to testing like diamonds or gold. It was real, but maybe you don't love her anymore. Hard to love the person who hurts you. Actually, it's sort of sick to love a person who hurts you. Why would a healthy person love someone who hurts him? I wouldn't.
The ponderings of love .... every interesting & deep question. Something I will have to think about more. The History Channel had a very good documentary on love. Mainly focusing on brain patterns. It was very good. I always question whether you really love someone or rather are attached to the 'security' they provide. That thought came to me many years ago when I had a BF that jumped from one R to the next.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Spent the afternoon with W to celebrate my birthday with the kids. She worked, so I made a cake and I bought all the stuff for burgers etc. for my birthday. The kids enjoyed celebrating Dad's birthday. Dad was busy dying inside and Mom, who in the hell knows what Mom was thinking.
My biggest difficulty is that since her affairs don't officially exist, she behaves as if we are estranged, but, otherwise doing just fine. I don't understand how she can do that.
Yes, I love her, and, yes, I've loved her for 18 years. I loved her with an immature love, but, it was no less real for it's immaturity. That said, that realization doesn't really help inform my decisions or show me the path forward.
I guess that I'm just tired of the lies and living in limbo. I want to either work hard toward a new relationship with my wife or work toward as amiable a divorce as possible while moving on with life, but, I feel I can do neither right now.
So, more limbo, more waiting, more growing for me.
She denies that she is screwing around. My accusation against her denial equals her affairs not officially existing. I'm hoping that an investigator can get me hard proof of her infidelity and then I can force the issue. As long as she denies screwing around, any accusation that I bring will only result in her sidestepping the issue or otherwise turning things around so that I'm the one that did something wrong.
If I just wanted to divorce her, Colorado is a no-fault state and I don't need a reason. As much as I waffle back and forth about what to do, I'm still here and still trying to create a relationship with my W when it would be a lot easier to just eject.
Proof is a fluid concept. I don't have any proof of anything wrong. What I have is a bunch of circumstantial evidence.
My wife has always had trouble accepting favors from people and wants to return the favor as quickly as possible. Six months ago she told me that when she goes out, she doesn't let guys at the bar buy her drinks. In July, she let OM1 pay for a condo in the mountains for the weekend.
She sleeps elsewhere than the place she is renting frequently. I would guess that she doesn't sleep at home more than 3 nights a week.
When I was snooping through her things, she had 2 voicemails from a man calling her honey and sweetheart and saying "I love you so much I need to see you one more day" or something to that effect.
Then there are the text messages. My wife ending a text to OM2 with "Love u" or a text "lunchtime took more out of me than I realized, not complaining can't wait to cya".
Texts from W to OM1:"I had a fab time last nt and this a.m! Can't stop :)ing... Thank you babe"
OM1 to W "hope 2 hold u soon..." "Thx for your sweet note and another amazing night."
That's not all, but, you get the idea.
There is really no doubt in my mind that she is screwing around with these two. If I asked her why she isn't sleeping in her bed, she would just say that she gets together with friends and she either fell asleep on the couch, or she had too much to drink and didn't want to risk another DUI by driving etc. I've had this conversation too many times about things that seem obviously wrong and yet she twists it around so that I'm wrong.
I don't want to have that conversation again. I want to have hard proof so that when she starts to say that they are just friends, I can with confidence tell her to cut the sh*t.
Dan? How do you know what W's texts say? I can't figure out how you know...do you look at her phone?
Also, please don't take offense to this, but I don't think wasting your money on an investigator is necessary. It seems like you have some pretty good evidence already....is it that you think you need pictures?
You seem like such a great guy....and I totally understand how you are feeling right now....let it be...everything comes out in the wash...you will get your proof one way or the other...I just hate to see you spend money on it.
Back in mid July, she was sleeping here while she was between places and while she was asleep, I tossed her purse and grabbed her phone and the phone that OM2 gave her and I sat here on my laptop and I copied every text message in her sent and inboxes.
Like I said, I could divorce her for how she squeezes the toothpaste tube. I'm virtually certain. I say virtually because I've spent half a lifetime letting her tell me that the Emperor has an awesome new outfit on and so, I'm only 99.99% sure. There are times when I wonder if there really could be another explanation. The truth is, if I want to walk away I can with no bad feelings and no one would say that I didn't give everything to this relationship.
I'm still trying to save my kids from a divorce. I'm still trying to make this not be happening. I'm still trying to not fail at marriage. I'm still trying to fix it. I've got to do this so that I can look at myself and my kids and anyone else and say with confidence, I did everything I could up to the limit of who I am as a man to save and rebuild this relationship. The money means nothing, being able to say with confidence that I tried everything is priceless.
I don't want my kids to ever wonder if Dad took the easy way out or did Dad really try, especially if I file the papers.
can't wait to cya".