Thanks for the advice. I see what you are saying and no need to apologize for the long post - I enjoyed reading your comments. Today, I called my ex and asked if I could pick up my daughter. She was with her best friend getting a latte at star bucks. I met them there and stay to talk for a little bit. Odd thing is, she was calling me by my pet name in front of her best friend. I found that so odd. My ex just recently started to call me by my pet name, but she never would call me it in public - even when we were married. So I found that very strange, but it did make me very happy. It is moments like those that make me want to continue to try to reconcile - that give me some hope.
I am trying very hard to rebuild our friendship and trust. In the process of doing that, however, it is difficult at times because being a good friend to her only revives my feelings I have for her. It is also hard to know when to draw the line too. For instance, today her phone died on her and she doesn't have a car charger. So I thought about buying her a car charger and leaving it in her SUV with a little note to surprise her (I still have a copy of a key to her SUV). I've done several things like that in the past few months, but I always feel that it is a thin line in the sense that she might appreciate it or she might think I am being pushy. Luckily, the last few times she has been very appreciative of it.
I love doing things like that. However, those are not really things that friends do. So I found that I am always testing the waters so to speak in the sense of how much I should push forward or step back. It is confusing sometimes to know how she is really feeling or thinking because we do things that I would think would normally be reserved for a boyfriend. Maybe I am just familiar to her and that is why she acts that way towards me.
I am definitely trying to make myself a better person. I don't ever want to be that person again. It is just hard sometimes being just friends without experiencing the pain.
Love, personally, I would not be interested in gifts; I would be looking for attention to our daughter and to me. Do not try to rush things. This will be a long time. It took a long tmie to break things down and it will take a long time to build things back up.
"I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try to reconcile or that I gave up too soon."
At the very least you will not have the "what if" question hanging over your head. That is what I tell myself. When I am done, I will know.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
I'm still here. It amazes me how many emotional states I can have in any given day. A good example would be this past weekend. My ex, daughter and I went to the zoo and we had just an amazing time. Later that even she called me up on the phone and told me that she and a female co-worker of hers were driving around and looking at houses. She was telling me that they saw a huge house, but it was way above her budget. She then told her co-worker that if she was still married to me that I would have gotten her that house but that she has no feelings for me.
My day was going so great until she mentioned that. I kept my cool while on the phone with her but wept like a baby when we got off. Today she was telling me that she is considering not getting the house with her best friend because her best friend wants a house that is more expensive than she is willing to pay. I have to admit, that did make me smile inside.
Overall, though, I've been okay. I have been working out a lot and that has made a difference in how I feel I've noticed. I still miss my ex a lot though and there are times where I feel so defeated. But I'm in this for the long haul and I'm still learning how to put my emotions aside.
It sounds like an emotional time. Your W is trying to justify her feelings big time. She has every reason to do so. Who knows why she shared that with you - it could have slipped out, she could have said it because she feels comfortable with you, or she could have said it to see what the reaction would be. This is where it gets really, really hard and I can't say I did all that great at it. Best you can do is be true to yourself. Live your life and make of it what you want while being true to the principles and values you hold. Don't let the game of second-guessing feelings and emotional states take you over. Find the higher power within yourself and what you want. Pursue that. Life is a blessing - we all make mistakes, do dumb things, fail. We can't paralyze ourselves in looking back, but must find momentum in the present and future.
Working out is good. It helps to distract. I ride my bike 10 miles a day and then either swim or run for an hour. Also go for a walk in the evening. It really has helped to clear my head - not just from sitch, but from work and life in general. Let's me ask questions of myself without other opinions involved.
This definitely is a very emotional time for me, but I'm hanging on. Regarding what my ex said on the phone, unfortunately I think it is because she feels comfortable around me (which is a good thing I suppose), but I really do feel that she has no feelings for me whatsoever at this point. But you are right - I can't allow myself to second guess feelings.
This morning she called me up and asked me if I would bring her tacos for breakfast on my way to work. I did and dropped our daughter off at daycare. Later that evening I had dinner with her and her best friend. They had been looking at houses earlier and found a loft that they are going to put an offer up tomorrow. I was upbeat and supportive, and gave then some advice on how to negotiate/see the deal through. However, driving home I cried like a baby, but got my act back together once I arrived home.
The thing is, I wish sometimes I could go cold turkey so to speak and not speak/see my ex for a good week or so. I feel like I am too emotionally attached to her right now and just talking to her sometimes brings back a lot of memories/hurt of what I've lost. Right now I am picking up my daughter from daycare after work everyday so I do see my ex a lot. We also go out to dinner about twice a week or go run errands. Those are all good things and I definitely want to continue to make progress. I do maximize the time I am with her, staying positive and acting as if I have my stuff together even though inside I'm hurting. I just wish I could avoid her completely for a while until my emotions are in better control, but that wouldn't be fair to my daughter and I don't want to sabotage the progress we have made so far . I guess I have to keep faking it till I make it so to speak. I am really glad for this forum as it allows me to vent.
Breton39, how are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope things are going well
Last edited by lovenomatterwhat; 09/24/0803:35 AM.
Your w still has feelings for you - that's why she's comfortable. This is one of the reasons why the LRT can be successful in some cases - it creates the situation where the spouse no longer has their comfortable friend to rely on. They have to start from scratch in order to find the same support and understanding.
You ARE emotionally attached to XW. That's not going to go away overnight. I'm sure talking to her does bring up pain/hurt. But, that's in the past. Is that how you want to define your life, by what's happened? If not, then pursue making things happen for you now. Not by concentrating on W, but on remembering who you are as an individual. By moving yourself forward, you become more attractive and confident. Maybe she'll be attracted, maybe too much has happened, but it will leave you in a better place.
I know it's hard. Read my posts and you'll see me moaning all over the place. But others posted these things to me and now I see that they really were correct. So. Make your life brighter and happier and the world will start smiling back. If you concentrate on the pain, everyone will know you're faking it.
take care of yourself. Eat well and exercise! lodo
I am just going to rant and vent - nothing special but a guy can only keep stuff inside for so long before he explodes
Today I saw my beautiful wife (although she is my ex, in my heart she will always be my wife) and she looked just beautiful. There was nothing special about the way she dressed or how she did her hair. I kept looking at her when she wasn't noticing and kept thinking to myself how beautiful and precious she really is.
When we were dating, she use to always tell me that I made it obvious that I loved her by the way I looked at her - that my eyes always gave it away.
We went shopping to buy some winter clothes for our daughter and I kept saying to myself - I hope God restores our marriage. I so desperately wanted to tell my ex how I felt inside - to tell her how much I love her and how I want to spend my life pleasing, sacrificing and serving her. I so much wanted to go home with her and be able to sit on the couch, with all three of us there doing nothing more than enjoying each others company.
(me wishing I could tell me ex this right now) My beautiful princess, I love you so much. I am sorry I was a fool and didn't take care of what God entrusted me with when we were married. Now I am paying for my sins and going through the crucible of my life. And although I wish I could demonstrate the fullness of my love for you, I know I must be patient and respect the boundary you have rightly placed between you and I. I hope that within time that that wall will come down and that you and I can once again be netted together in love, that our worlds will once again collide and our hearts be one. In the meantime, I only want you to be happy. So for now, no talks about relationships when I'm with you, no showing you how much I'm hurting or how badly I want you in my life. I love you so much and world turn this world upside down to make you happy.
Ahh....I feel a little better. My ex called me while I was writing this and we had a pleasant little talk about nothing really - which in the in the end - it is those carefree moments, when we are just being ourselves and talking about the mundane that really add up to much. How I wish I could have those moments everyday with her - where we could be doing nothing but laying on the bed together - staring at one another and listening to each other speak with full acceptance.
After I got back from shopping, I got home and wept/pray for a good 30 minutes. I was hurting badly. But the road less traveled is never easy and this crucible is like a burning fire. I can only hope that all the impurities of my life are burnt away once this trial is over.
Lodo, thanks for telling me to stay true to myself and to move forward. That is definitely something I am having a hard time doing as this situation is really my fault. So I am learning to forgive myself and to let go of the past - that is still a work in process. I will definitely keep on exercising and eating well.
I think I am going to try to do something that Divorce Remedy recommends on the LRT method. Right now I show that I am interested in my ex, but I think I need to not be so responsive. So I am going to try to not answer every phone call, not accept every invitation to do things together and to try to beat her to the punch when it comes to ending/leaving a conversation/activity.
So far I think I've do more or less an okay job on not bringing up the relationship, being upbeat around her, helping her out with errands and with our daughter. But I think I need to raise my game a bit so to speak and implement some of the techniques above. This is hard to do, but nothing great in life is without a sacrifice. I definitely want to be upbeat, but need to work on not showing I'm so excited around her when I see we've made progress.
I know that as much as I want my ex back, I have to have a game plan and the discipline/patience to see it through. This tough stuff for me - especially since her b-day and the holidays are coming up.
