A million miles away. That's where I feel H is right now. I feel like he and I are worlds apart and it makes me sad.
Haven't posted in about a month. I needed to really focus on me and the kids. Getting them ready for school and moving forward.
The end of august found H working more and more. I had very little contact from him...an occasional tm asking something trivial, very unpersonal birthday gifts he bought me from the kids (i.e. a gas gift card...not that i minded), and when he was here to visit d13 and I was around he didn't stay too long and barely spoke.
The weird thing is...it helped me to think about him less.
The kids got back to school after labor day. H informed me he will now be working 7 nights a week. He is here most days after school for about a half our to see d13 and stops by for about an hour on saturdays and sundays before work. Today not at all. He was working a double.
H looks terrible. Very tired. I have to wonder if he will ever hit bottom as he keeps self-medicating (i.e. MOW, work,alcohol etc).
I am not sure why he has so little contact with me right now. I am not sure if he is looking for me to chase him or if he is withdrawing. The 2x he tm'd me this week were about trivial things and very brief. When he was by yesterday he was very quiet. Said his neck hurt from working (he had an operation on it about 6 years ago). He looked very uncomfortable.
Snodderly, I am thinking the depression is hitting him...either that or he is truly done with me since I am not playing the game anymore. Not sure what to think....just not sure.
Anyway, yesterday I saw h's parents at a church picnic I took d13 to. Both gave me a big hug and a kiss and were so much more friendlier to me than they were last time I saw them. Strange.
S16 is going for his driving test next saturday. I have to say i am a little nervous. H's sister gave us her H's car (an old volvo)since he got a company car and my dad is having it fixed up perfect for him. I know H doesn't agree about s16 having a car, but I just need something to get him to school and swim practice so that I have a little relief.
Snodderly, question for you and those out there. I have been at this for a long time. H had his first A in oct 2004, recommitted in feb 2005, left in april 2006. It has been a long road. I found myself having panic attacks recently when driving on a major highway in my area. The high speed was frightening to me.
I went to my dr and he put me on paxil cr..15 mg. I have avoided the highway that this occurs on....but will eventually need to go.
I was wondering if anyone has any additional techniques for dealing with panic attacks. I have never experienced anything like this but I also know that the stress that h's mlc has left me with has to be a factor. There is only so much that one can take.
