5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

[istherehope]

OK I am going to try to act "as-if" he is reading those self-help books to become a stronger person specifically FOR the relationship, as-if he really want to make the relationship work, and that is what all of this is about. Maybe this will help me to see things more positively. Would just help if we had some contact though so that I could get the opportunity to be positive with him for awhile...

I am pretty caught up in my own despair today, but am going to try REALLY hard to focus on some positives.

ITH

[Separated]

(((ITH)))

It is very frustrating and as hard as it is you have to let go of the things that he is saying. Remember the mantra believe none of what they say and half of what they do!!! It's very hard to do that...TRUST ME I know but it is best to take everything that he is saying now with a grain of salt.

Go to the gym, relax and work on yourself. If it makes you feel better go into the forum about divorces that were busted. I took some time last night and did this...there are people who heard the whole ILBNILWY, people that thought there was no way their spouse was ever coming back...and they did. It's all about patience and working on yourself right now.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi ITH, Thanx for stopping by my thread earlier. I totally agree with Sep. You need to work on you & stop worrying about H. Try not to think of him not calling as a negative thing. Maybe he is working on him & you just can't be involved with that right now.

Do you think you are still needy? Have you thought about the person you were - when you dated? Have you read any books on male depression?

Strange when my H left a year ago it was because he felt lonely & unappreciated. Yesterday, when we talked he said during our M - that he felt that HE had become my hobby in our M. I agreed with him.

The detatched & LRT threads have really helped to keep me grounded lately. I printed them out & read them often. In my sitch - I really thought I was ready for the next step w/my H. Up until a few weeks ago - I wasn't.

[istherehope]

Hi S and MM,

Thanks for your nice posts. I guess it's just really hard for me being so far away from home. I mean I am in Poland, live in Ireland, but really home is the US. I just feel homeless and direction-less and this is a big part of it. Before the bomb I was looking at ways to transfer with my company back to the US, but now I don't know what is going to happen, so my job is in limboland as well as my marriage...

Until we moved to Dublin, I was never needy. I had loads of friends and things going on. Then when we moved to Dublin, we both became each other's hobby, which my H is still reeling from I believe. Since the bomb I've realized that I do have friends in Dublin, and when I get back will have plenty to do BUT problem is I don't want to be there if there is no future with H. I can't tell him this or threaten him with it though. In fact I did this when he initially asked for the S, and in our first counseling session (before I found DB)and he kept saying if he thought there was no hope he would have walked long ago. Of course who knows what he's really thinking, as everyone says...

I do agree MM that him not contacting me is not necessarily a bad thing. Jody said that if I do need to just move back in, it will be very important to keep giving him all the space he needs in advance of that day. It's just that it's weird that I haven't heard from him since that email, since my response I mean. And my response was excellent if I do say so myself! It was happy, nice, affirming, validating etc. Anyway day's not over, I might still hear something this evening. I just have this FEELING that something is about to shift, could be another of those emails, not sure. Last week was a pretty intense week for him in terms of starting school, seeing me, and sending that email.

I do know that I am lucky in terms of having an H who obsessively reads self-help books, goes to psychotherapy, exercises, doesn't really drink, stays home at night to save money, and has agreed to not date. It is only that he is SO singular-minded that he can get really caught up in something, like in his current need for alone time. He is like this about everything he decides to take on. On the positive side, he will probably come out of this faster than most, given his impressive efforts. I just hope he comes out with enough energy to give the R another chance.

S, I think I will go and look at divorces that were busted...

Thanks for the support :). I will post later if there are any interesting events,

ITH

[JenInVen]

I think it's great that your H is realling doing some soul searching and reading self help books. he obviously sees things he wants to change about himself. It's a long process and may be one he needs to do by himself.

Have you thought about making a list of positives in your sitch? I think it'd help you get some perspective.

[istherehope]

Hi Jen,

Thanks. I can only hope that "doing it by himself" doesn't have to mean another physical separation. We honestly can't even afford it, so we'll see what happens when I get back, or maybe just "show up" like Jody has suggested :).

I know you're right, I do have a lot of positives, and I guess it's hard sometimes when you compare your own positives to what you used to have rather than to what a positive looks like in this bizarro-world.

Positives:

H has NOT said IDLYA
H has sort of said that he misses me
H has agreed to no dating, sex etc.
H still agreed to joint phone counseling sessions
H makes fairly regular contact by IM/email
We had sex when I was in Dublin last week, so there must be some feeling there
H feels bad for how he is treating me, and mentions this frequently
H appreciates and comments on the space I am giving him
H has come a long way on his own out of depression
H is really working to get himself well
H sees an IC
We still share all finances
H has started joking around a little bit on IM and calling me nicknames every once inawhile
H is not spending money recklessly; he is being very frugal

ITH

[JenInVen]

Thats a great list! Now what are some goals...think small and short term for now.

[istherehope]

Hi Jen,

I have SOOO many goals. I have a spreadsheet for September goals, not sure how realistic they are, but basically I have big goals that I break down into small goals. So the big goals (probably longer-term) are 1)H is feeling happy and healthy again 2) H feels comfortable around me 3)H commits to trying to make the marriage work 4)H commits to living in the same house with me

H feeling happy and healthy again was broken down into loads of mini-goals, of which many have been met. I think he's pretty close, things like him joking around, and saying positive things about non-alone activities.

H will feel comfortable around me:

The goals met here were that he'd call me a term of endearment, and that he would start being nice again on IMs and emails, things like "how are you".

Unmet goals include H to give me 1 compliment, H to talk about when I get back to Dublin in a positive way, even if indirectly, and H to be flirtatious in some of his contact with me

H to commit to being in the same house with me:

Goal is for him to say he misses me, even if indirectly like that the pets miss me

To start talking about something indirectly like "my side of the bed"

To ask me to stay at least 1 night at the house when travelling through Dublin

H to commit to trying to work on the marriage:

The only goal met here was sex, which maybe should have been under the "comfortable around me" section

H to make positive references to the future

H to say some positive things that he has been thinking about me/the R instead of only the negatives

H to say that he loves me

There are loads more too...anyway I think that we have to get to the point where we reach goal 1, him feeling happy and healthy before seeing significant progress against the other goals...

ITH

[MsMelancoly]

I say Wow!! You are sure organized w/your goals. I am impressed. I have some goals, but only small ones. Guess, I'm flying by the seat of my pants - so to speak. But, I've learned to expect not to expect sometimes.

How about your personal goals that don't include your H?

[istherehope]

Hi MM,

Thanks! I know I should have some goals that don't include H...Within the goals that do include H I have action items for myself, things that I can do toward reaching the goals like not to initiate contact, or to compliment profusely when given the opportunity.

At this point in my homeless limboland, my personal goals remain just to journal every day when I get upset, to go to the gym 4-5 days per week, to eat at least 1 meal per day, and to have at least 1 social plan per weekend.

At some point I will need more beefy personal goals, but right here right now I think I will stick with these. I know that when I get back to Dublin, even and especially if we do stay in the same house, I will need to REALLY GAL and be out of the house as much as possible. This is when I'll have to have some new goals! For now I guess I can coast a bit. I'm being more introspective, just not sure what the goals around this introspection should look like.

ITH