We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

What really kills me is W's lack of connection with 6 yo. D. I can get by, I can go on and create a new life, new love etc if it comes to it, but what about our precious child ?

I've realized since D was about 1 yo. that W was not doing well in nurturing her, so I began to compensate by spending more time singing, rocking, looking into her eyes, talking and playing with her. My reward ? A very close relationship w/D and a W who accuses me of putting child first.

5 yrs. later, tonight, here's what transpires:

I was putting D to sleep, rubbing some Vicks mentolatum on her chest to help her breath better. I said: 'My mommy did this for me when I had trouble breathing through my nose. Someday you will do this for your own children.'

She replied: ' I might not have children'

I was shocked, but I said, 'Maybe you won't. But why do you think that ?'

She was quiet, so I began gently questioning,' Sometimes I may be impatient, but you know Daddy loves you don't you?

She readily acknowleged that she knows I love her.

'And I think that you are the greatest thing that could have happened to mommy and daddy.'

The real warning flag however came when we talked about her R with her Mommy. D was clearly not sure that her Mommy really wanted to be with her. W. shows impatience very quickly with D. and instead of interacting with her, they 'bond' by watching movies together.

In fact, they watched 3 movies together on Labor Day. It was a perfectly beautiful day and they sat on a couch for 6+ hrs. without interacting with each other and that is what passes for bonding.

They did some other things W had planned that day, but they were activities chosen by W with no input from D. At the end of day when she brought D back home she started 'sharing' but really complaining about how D was ungrateful because at the end of the day, D asked ' Is this all we are going to do ? I'm bored.'

W accused me and my mom of spoiling her because we take her to the zoo, or the childrens museum, or to feed the ducks or something where she interacts with life and us.

While W complained to me after the only whole day she has spent with D in a month, D was curled up on couch face down with fingers in her ears. I don't blame her. Who wants to hear their mommy complain about them to her daddy ?

Along the same lines, W had lined up a play therapist for D on the advice of her lifelong friend and child development PH D who wisely suggested D should have her own therapist to help her get through the eventual divorce ( the D word has not been in use that much lately).

After several sessons, it became clear to the play therapist that our D's relationship to her Mommy was weak or missing.

In the therapy, children are allowed to create storys with model characters in a sandbox. Apparantly the nurturing parent was always Daddy, never mommy.

The therapist told me she would like to see Mom and d. together to work on that relationship.

I haven't told W that yet, because she does not like to hear from me that there is a problem. This is not a new topic with us.

In fact, unless W gets her head out of her #ss, the inescapable conclusion for me is that this is a woman who is not only incapable of maintaining a marriage, but can't manage dealing with a wonderful, curious, energetic and beautiful child for 12 hrs.

I feel thats one more reason I need to really move on and find another wife/mommy figure for D to get some female nurturing and an idea about what a loving marriage is supposed to look like.

I wish it were not so, but nothing really gives me any encouragement that W is willing to deal with her crap and wake up.