Wonderful story, AG. Thanks for sharing it, it just shows that life is often what we make of it! Wow, stood up by 9-25 people, I think that's a DB board record. Congrats!
The food for thought here is that I was relieved that no eligible men showed up! Because then I would have been busy making up new R (avoidance) rules.
You did better than me - I bagged my meetup at the last minute and went for a run instead.
I avoided the last meetup at a martini bar - the rationale: I had just booked a vacation and really couldn't afford to take the time off from work and spent the time procrastinating!
There is a lot of Turbulence at work. It is taking a lot of energy to keep the angst in check and think clearly. There are also a lot of opportunities... Funny how these opportunities would be "long shots" for normal people - but I can see the path very clearly. I know I can make them happen - if I wanted to....
It would be very easy to put the issue of The Block on the backburner again - as I have over and over and over again during the past 5 years... And a part of me really wants to do that - b/c everytime I face The Block - it causes angst and makes me feel off balance and out of control. I can't see the path... And when I can't see a path - I feel off.
I said the first step is putting myself out there - but I feel completely emotionally unavailable. Yesterday - there were interesting wine vendors - I very skillfully navigated myself away from anyone that might have been "eligible." Whenever I sense an interest from someone that might possibly be of interest to me - I reflexively move away. It is so automatic - it is like I am autopilot. I do it w/o even realizing I am doing it.
The bottom line is that I don't believe in my heart that I have what it takes to have a career - raise the children I expect to adopt over the next few years - and be in an LTR... And I don't believe that men that may want to get involved with me have a handle on what an R with someone like me involves.
My appearance and my non-work demeanor - well some men are attracted to that. But I feel like those are misleading representations of what life with me would really be like. I don't trust their ability to see me clearly enough to make R-related decisions.
And I don't know if I have what it takes to be a P in an LTR. I feel like broken record and stuck... I keep posting the same thoughts using different words... I have no patience for setting goals and making absolutely no headway - in FIVE years!
I have discussed this with my C before... I think he is frustrated too... I have no idea what it will take to dismantle to The Block... I am going to set this aside till next weekend. I need to do things this week where I feel like I have the ability to move forward on something
I think you're undermining your own efforts. That said, what are your expectations for a LTR? Acceptance of another can be hard and sometimes the bar is set too high. Not saying you should grasp at Joe Schmoe, but be open to the unexpected. Do all your experiences need to be packaged?
I assume the Block is being unavailable. Well, I'd bet you're very good at pigeonholing different aspects of your life. That's a fine coping mechanism, but it leads too easily to avoidance and suppression. At some point you need to face the fact that angst and out-of-control and off-balance can be GOOD things! In fact, those can be signs of love! They can also indicate a fear of being hurt.
I'd say start slowly. Innocent pleasures. Small talk. Let someone else entertain you enough that you want to continue the conversation. No strings attached. You talk about your appearance and men's attraction, but then leap straight to R decisions. Whoa! What happened to the middle part? Developing the attraction? That part where everything gets clearer? Don't leave that out. And that isn't for you to pursue, it's for someone else to pursue YOU!
I think about a friend. She's Indian. Arranged marriage but she fled that and married the man she was really in love with. He ended up being a jerk and beat her. She went into hiding. At the same time, she was accepted and entered a PhD program. Work became everything to her, because her love life was in shambles and her family castigated her. She graduated last year and got a job in Boston. Now she has to deal with new environment on top of everything else, so she's relying on her work acumen to get her through. But in reality, she has a lot of hurt and pain to get through and it's going to take a long, long time and small baby steps. But I'm confident she'll heal. And she will, but the walls she set up during her PhD will prevent her from really releasing herself to her emotional side for quite some time. That said, she's a lovely person and I know she wants to love again and be accepted for who she is. And she will.
I haven't read your entire sitch. I just say this because it's the only thing I can share about someone who is work-focused. But, I hope it helps you accept the fact that memory can be hard to get past and we set up defense mechanisms to help with that. We need a GOOD reason to take those down. When you meet someone who is worth taking them down for, you'll know. In the meantime, enjoy life!
Thanks for taking the time to post such a thoughtful post... You are very insightful. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my own time and everyone else's b/c I can't see a path... I have just set it aside and buried myself in some other achievable goal over and over again since my D.
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That said, what are your expectations for a LTR?
Sigh... I don't know anymore...
I was stuck on an island with cancelled activites at a resort that is often referred to as a summer camp for adults. There were many frustrated people that I talked to that asked me that exact same question - especially as they saw me dismiss one person after another...
Maybe it is like the difference between art and pornography - tough to define - but you can tell when you see it... Maybe I will know what I want when I see it... But I am afraid The Block is operating like a blindfold...
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Acceptance of another can be hard and sometimes the bar is set too high.
Let someone else entertain you enough that you want to continue the conversation.
Perhaps that first point is the reason that the second point never happens. I hear the same old tired lines... And they try too hard...
And this will sound conceited...but there are times I feel like yelling can you please see past my appearance and TALK TO ME.
The only men that seem to TALK TO ME are the ones that are not interested in an R with me... So therein lies a paradox...
There was one man at The Resort that I would have considered getting to know - but he violated R (avoidance) rule 1 - he was separated but not D. Or perhaps I think I would have considered dating him b/c I new he failed an R (avoidance) rule... he has to be legally single...
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Do all your experiences need to be packaged?
Well - yes... and indexed, labeled and catalouged!
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Well, I'd bet you're very good at pigeonholing different aspects of your life.
Yes - I am... That is why it is difficult for people to get to know me. Even at work - people are taken aback a little when I pull out all the stops...b/c my capabilities are not always apparent from my demeanor... And there is that part about working in a male dominated environment where you absolutely cannot reveal any aspect of your personal life that in any way gets you labeled as a "woman."
The X commented once on how it was amazing how I could completely turn off the work when I left the office during my M. However, when I turned on the work switch - I needed to focus on work and do not handle disruptions very well.
Indians are brainwashed from birth that education and career are everything - that is why it is so easy for us to hide there.
I really am not a flake. I can think clearly about just about everything else - even under pressure. The Block is my nemesis...
Why do you need to see a path? The unpackaged experience. Let it happen! Sure, you can go on the trips and stuff will look just like it does in the brochures but none of the people will be smiling the same way.
The expectation is too high. After all, you paid good money for this!
Ahh, but that casual, unexpected encounter at the grocery store when everyone is off-guard. That's different, isn't it? There aren't any lines. There's just the willingness to be a social being in a social setting with no expectations. That's why the magic usually happens there.
Work is work. Everyone pigeonholes when it comes to work - some more successfully than others but it isn't a genuine experience. Unless you've suppressed your emotional life to build your professional life - like my sweet STBXW!
Everyone is hard to know. Look at our former spouses! How long was it before the true person appeared? Years.
And the male dominated stuff. Hmmm. It's funny, because I used to be in the midwest and that was such a big deal, but out here in NorCal it isn't. Except I work in an area where there is a "leaky pipe." Women outnumber men in grad school but only make up 5% of the faculty. What happened? In any case, fighting to make a place in a male-dominated profession is difficult and colors everything else, for better or worse.
Actually it's funny because I just got into a fight this weekend. The wife of a professor sent out an email complaining about a new couple. She "assumed" the man was a grad student. She said even if he was faculty, would he, or the wife when he was gone, be responsible for a community concern? I got angry and replied that I was sad to see the assumption of affiliation was focused on the man. In fact, the wife had joined our faculty and we were very pleased to have her. What happened next? Poison pen emails in return! That I was insinuating something and I should stick to the facts! Hmmm, I thought I was.
Okay, digression. I don't know much about Indian culture other than my friend - are you Indian? - so can't answer about the brainwash thing, but she's had a hard go of it. Luckily, she's able to be gentle on herself and accept that it will take years to recover.
Sigh... I do pigeonhole... For now I need to use that to detach from my angst. I need to think nonsensical non-Block thoughts...
My cooking class was okay.... It was very safe - no single men. The class focused on the stainless steel/aluminium pots/pan collection. My collection has a copper core... I am going to buy a higher flashpoint oil like grapeseed and experiment with the heat regulation. I have never used pans that get so hot with such a low heat setting...
Next week is comfort food cooking. And the following week cocktail mixology - that class should be fun!
Work... well that certainly is not de-angsting... Humongo Client is engaging in weird cost cutting measures that typically smell of desperation. In all likelihood - there will be some reactive behavior from the people affected by these changes - everyone is on edge - I am fighting the urge to react myself. I need to sit tight for 2-3 months and let this all play out...
The goal next year is to be poised to expand so I can add 1-2 more Humongo Clients and hire an assistant and 1-2 workhorse associates. Of course there is the adoption timeline variable - I will adapt as that progresses. I am meeting this week with people to get my business structure established and figure out details.
My kitties - instant angst detachment. They have been grounded lately. It has been raining and a neighbor has a rabbit nest. They have surrounded the nest with little orange cones and the neighborhood kids are so excited about the little baby rabbits. My cats and I discussed the situation - and well since they are unwilling to promise that these baby rabbits are off limits - they are grounded till the babies are old enough to leave the next.
A lot of things are going well in my life... Maybe I am going to have to meet Condi for drinks someday after W leaves office to ask her what she thinks of LTR's!
Life is life... Pity I can't control everything! Such is life...
Ah, the copper core. I just have the all-clad. But I used a friend's copper set to make zabaglione - very nice! Glad the class was good. I meant to ask you about it. I've been thinking about taking some as well - through Williams-Sonoma, right?
Have fun expanding. Managing people is an art unto itself. They never do it the way you want it done, so finding the happy medium is hard.
LOL- poor kitties. I'm afraid mine wouldn't be so understanding. Of course, my neighbors don't put orange cones out either.
glad things are going so well! Condi? Ugg. I'm afraid she's heading back here soon, along with Rummy.
Because then I would have been busy making up new R (avoidance) rules. 