Snodderly is so right about your H...and what you should be doing for yourself. You can bet you very much in his thoughts, and I would imagine that even at this time he's second guessing what he's done...but who knows how long it will be before he could admit it to anyone...let alone himself.
I know exactly how you feel in regards to losing your home. I felt and still feel that way, and it's been 2 yrs post D. The house was nothing...a fixer upper...but it was our 'home', not just a structure. Our kids were raised there, it was where they were suppose to bring their friends, girlfriends and later wives and children to. Now what? He's in an apt. I'm in an apt. Yeah....we lost alot along the way to satisfy his needs/desires. I would imagine that most men don't look at houses the way we women do...I think we are much more emotionally and sentimentally attached to them.
My boys were grown when the house was sold. ButBOTH of them went back to it after I had moved out, but before the closing, and took a walk through it. They both wanted to be in it one more time before it was no longer 'ours.' How's that for sad proof of what divorce can do to the whole family.
I shouldn't even admit this, but I thought AJ was your xh initials!!! LMAO Took me reading someone's post that 'he was a JA' to put it together. Duh!!!!!
You're doing really, really good in holding your own and sticking to the terms, and making sure he knows he has to too. You've got a lot to be proud of MrsH...none of this is easy, and I think they count on us being too weak to stand up to their tactics.
Some day you may feel differently....all of us may. But your feelings now are perfectly normal, and I think you handle yourself very, very well.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Mrs H sorry you are having to go through this. There is a website called divorceasfriends.com that might be helpful to you. Unfortunately you are going to have to endure this man for many years with the kids, so it would be in your best interest to have a better R between the two of you.
Just don't let him get to you. It sounds like he can be very hurtful.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
What you are going through is a very tough period in the MLC... I absolutely am impressed by how you are sticking to your boundaries.
You are doing wonderful.
He will be very mean and horrible for a while
It does calm down.
They want to be MAD so they will not focus on you and what they have done.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
no, I don't think you are being a witch, I think you are setting a precendent so 5yrs from now he doens't drive you nuts as he shows up not 30min early but 1hr, nip the craziness from the bud and you will be doing yourself a favor, keeping to the schedule is the only way to deal with a man like that. Good for you hon, stick to your guns, I'm sure that if he were to behave like a human being you wouldnt' have to stick to the schedule but things are not easy not, so you gotta do what you gotta do.
Now go hit them books!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You're doing really, really good in holding your own...
I don't have my contact lenses in right now, and when I first read this line, I thought it said, "You're doing really, really good in holding your NOSE..."
Probably an even better idea with JA! Maybe you can just say to yourself that his attitude stinks right now, but you have your nose clip on and you won't let it affect your equilibrium.
I don't feel qualified to offer advice about the whole kids thing, but in general, I think that it will be better for YOU if you remain above whatever trouble he is trying to stir up with you--refuse to stoop to his level or give him a legitimate reason to get mad at you, so he's reduced to grasping at increasingly elusive straws to justify what he has done/is doing to you. Not only will that improve your R with him faster (which I'm sure will be better for kids), and set a good example for your children, I think this will make YOU feel better because of knowing that you did the right thing despite his provocation. I'm not saying you should let him get away with anything he wants; just suggesting that you continue to "be the better man (woman)."
Hang in there; I hear that it gets better!
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Mrs. H, I am sorry about your home. Women look at homes a bit differently then men. We are the ones that usually decorate, are home more, and the "nesting" instinct is always there. Men, on the other hand, aren't too much into the decorating, etc. Most are content with the basics and nothing more. I know your home means a lot to you and your sons and I'm just sorry it has to be this way. As for the people coming and going through your home, it's a distraction and now you have to be even more on your toes in keeping the place neat and tidy for perspective buyers.
Your h has been extremely determined not to meet the boundaries set by you, your lawyer and now the judicial system. You are going to have a difficult time w/him for a while when it comes to the boundaries. You cannot soften towards him on this or he will take advantage of your good nature each and every time. He's going to have to learn that when the time is set for a certain for pick ups an drop offs, he's got to adhere to it. The next time he wants to pick them up early, just say JA, the time is already set and you need to adhere to it. Do not engage in any other discussion. Keep it short, simple and to the point. He really does like to push your buttons. You have your hands full with this guy.
Once the anger has died down, I think things will be a bit better. He's at the stage where he's like a very angry kid that is vindictive in all ways. Hopefully he will get through this, but it won't be until everything has been destroyed and you are then on your own. It's a heck of a way to be towards someone for now reason, but that's how their brains function throughout all of this....anger, lashing out, vindictive, button pushing, etc....and they wonder why we don't want anything to do with them when they are like this!
I do hope that school is going well for you. I am hoping that the studies are keeping your mind from straying too much to him. Please take care of yourself and do something special w/the boys today.
Hugs!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are understandable overwhelmed. That is ok! Counseling may be good for you, especially for a place to vent and learn strategies to juggle the busy life you have.
I think you are doing well stuffing your anger toward JA. He really is not worth it! Don't blame yourself for anything, you can 't chose his path for him...nothing you did or didn't do played into the way he is acting.
