With all respect to John Denver. I was born in the summer of my 40th year and home is looking like a place I've never been before.
This morning did not start out very well. Yesterday, I told W my plan for today and she said that maybe she should be at the house closer to 0900.
9 o'clock came and went as did 9:30 and 10:00 she finally showed up and we left at 10:20 so a change in plans was in order. Instead of a trip up to Steamboat Springs, we went up to Estes Park, had brunch and then into Rocky Mountain National Park for some hiking and pictures. Afterward, we headed into Boulder for a couple of games of pool and some window shopping on the pedestrian mall. At home, she gave me a hug when she was leaving.
It doesn't sound like a bad day, does it?
Except for the 900lb canary sitting in the middle of the living room floor, it was a pretty good day. The canary of course is her OM plural. I'm a little confused about things now.
Seriously, the week before last, I finally grew up. I don't need her to make me complete. I don't need anyone to make me complete. To that extent, DBing and all the work that I've been doing has been a complete success. Yet, therein lies the problem.
I've spent so long finding the silver lining in every pile of crap that W has dished out for 18 years, that I believe my memories and perceptions of my W are tainted with having been processed through same the co-dependent needy vantage point. What I'm trying to say is that I'm no longer sure that my W and I actually had good times, or if I just remember them as good times because I was in a place that average times were remembered as great times.
I had fun today. I had as much fun as I could have while trying to forget about that canary. But, I look at the time we spent together and I find no enthusiasm for spending time with her. Perhaps this is a normal part of DBing, but, I feel like that since I've grown, I'm questioning if I even want to spend more time with her. If I met her at a party, would I want to know her better? Would I want to have her as a friend? I don't know. Perhaps today was so bland because of the history that we have together. Perhaps she was stifled because of the canary too.
I'm questioning if I ever truly loved her. I'm not questioning it in the usual manner as a re-interpretation of past events. I'm questioning if I've ever even known what love is and what it means. Was it possible for me to love my W when I spent all that time trying to take from her what I needed to be complete?
I'm confused. I'm pretty sure that if my W and I didn't have the kids and history together, that I wouldn't want to be married to her. I'm not sure that I'd want to be friends with her.
I'm not sure where things are going, but, at least I'm feeling stronger and more capable every day. I'm starting to spend a little bit more time with the kids and my responsibilities seem to be less overwhelming.
So, friends, if any of you have some sage wisdom to dispense, please weigh in here and God bless you in each of your individual adventures.
