Thanks lodo. I am really beginning to wonder if she does have feelings for her best friend. From her view, it would be easy for her to say that she has been with other guys and they have all let me know expect for my best friend. This morning she called me up just to talk for a little bit. I asked if she could be honest with me and tell me - is she thinking about starting a relationship with her best friend. She told me that you never know what is going to happen and that was her personal life. Basically, that it was none of my business.
The thing is, I have been putting a lot of energy and $$$ (we go out to eat a lot or do things together like go to the zoo). I say to myself, if she was in a relationship with her best friend, would she be calling me up throughout the day, calling me pet names, spending time with me, etc. Maybe I am just naive and doing hopeful wishing. One of the nice benefits of she and I talking and making what seems to be progress, is that I see my daughter almost every other day. I would hate for that to stop; I love being with my daughter.
At the same time, my friends are really worried about me. They say that I am going to end up hurting myself really badly because she has already told me that it is over and that maybe things would be different if she wasn't buying a house with that guy.
I honestly believe that she is worth all the risk and pain - but I don't want to end up being a self-inflicted martyr. I have never experienced such pain in my life. It honestly feels like I am dying a million deaths everyday.
The thing is, I don't want to live with regrets. I already regret what I did when I left. I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try to reconcile or that I gave up too soon. My love my ex and my daughter more than anything and I want to fight for my family. My I don't want to end up killing myself in the process. I am trying to distract myself with exercising, reading, watching tv, etc. And sometimes they work. But there are days where nothing seems to numb the pain.
I want to keep on being interested and friendly with my ex. To be there when she needs me and to really show her that I am different person. At the same time, I wonder if I am being to available to her now. For instance, I never tell her no when she wants to go out and I always pick the phone when she calls. I don't know. I don't want to play games, but I also want to take actions that are effective.
