LNMW, I can see both sides of the coin here. It sounds as if your W is opening up to you some, but you will have a long row to hoe, so to speak.
Not sure about the advice in practical matters. I would ensure that you get the matter in writing, that is for sure.
How would I feel? I would be surprised and grateful, but I would also be skeptical. I would suggest that consistently being friendly and kind and putting your daughter first will count for much more.
I think your W is moving closer to you but this is not something that can be undone easily.
I would have to say that in CLOSE m/f relationships, one person or the other often secretly wishes the relationship were not "just friends."
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
But I do appreciate the words of caution given to me. This journey is tough, full of questions and uncertainty. It would definitely be easier to count my loses and move on. But have to do everything I can to fight for our marriage and our family.
Well, setting her up in a house with her new boyfriend, is a giant step in the oposite direction, I'd say.
PS: a boyfriend without sex... is still a boyfriend. So even if they arent having sex.. it's almost irrelevant... because he's replacing you, either way.
and eventually, they WILL turn it into a sexual relationship, if they havent already.
you cant support this, if you care about reconciling.
You can say, "it's your decision to do what you want with your life", and 'support' her independance that way. But actually HELPING her do that, is cutting your own throat.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
She doesn't want to get a house with me because she has little trust in me. That is going to take time to build. Although it is not common, there are lots of men and women who are best friends who are never and have no desire to be lovers. I understand that that is hard for most of society to understand and I do appreciate your words. She is going to move in with this guy with or without my help as she cannot get a place on her own and it is really hard at where she is know. I have offered to help her get a place on her own, but she doesn't feel that she can depend on me yet to keep any commitment to give her extra money each month to help with a mortgage/rent payment.
Her primary motive is about our daughter. Why would she co-sign a house with me when trust still needs to be built? I spent a long time destroying that foundation. It is going to take twice as long to build it back up.
Thank you for bringing up the other side of the coin though. I know that you are just trying to watch out for me. I understand that I am in very dire situation and the odds are very slim right now. But like I said in a previous post - nothing great in life is without a sacrifice. I'm sure some folks will think I'm quixotic - but I am not ready to give up - although I might feel like it.
I my ex just picked up my daughter from me. I had the most wonderful time with her this evening. I love my daughter so much and I remember when I use to sleep with her at night and she would kick me. I cried so much when I thought about that. I am crying right now even as I type this. I hope someone is reading this and realizes that nothing is more important than family. I paid a heavy price for what I did and I might never get redemption.
If my ex ends up marrying her best friend, it will be because I gave him my family on a silver platter. I have no one to blame but myself.
I am pretty down right now, but there are going to be nights like that through this whole process.
Thank you SMW. I will pray. I like what you said about giving God a chance to help me. You are absolutely right. At this point, I cannot do this alone. It is going to take God's intervention to bring us back together. I also know that this is my crucible - one that will either make me stronger or break me. I will be praying for your situation too.
sorry you're down right now. Go easy on yourself and try to find the distractions - they help. Exercise, go to movies, join a meetup, spend time with friends, anything to keep from obsessing about this.
You will always be your daughter's father, so work hard to maintain that connection.
Thanks lodo. I am really beginning to wonder if she does have feelings for her best friend. From her view, it would be easy for her to say that she has been with other guys and they have all let me know expect for my best friend. This morning she called me up just to talk for a little bit. I asked if she could be honest with me and tell me - is she thinking about starting a relationship with her best friend. She told me that you never know what is going to happen and that was her personal life. Basically, that it was none of my business.
The thing is, I have been putting a lot of energy and $$$ (we go out to eat a lot or do things together like go to the zoo). I say to myself, if she was in a relationship with her best friend, would she be calling me up throughout the day, calling me pet names, spending time with me, etc. Maybe I am just naive and doing hopeful wishing. One of the nice benefits of she and I talking and making what seems to be progress, is that I see my daughter almost every other day. I would hate for that to stop; I love being with my daughter.
At the same time, my friends are really worried about me. They say that I am going to end up hurting myself really badly because she has already told me that it is over and that maybe things would be different if she wasn't buying a house with that guy.
I honestly believe that she is worth all the risk and pain - but I don't want to end up being a self-inflicted martyr. I have never experienced such pain in my life. It honestly feels like I am dying a million deaths everyday.
The thing is, I don't want to live with regrets. I already regret what I did when I left. I don't want to look back and say that I didn't try to reconcile or that I gave up too soon. My love my ex and my daughter more than anything and I want to fight for my family. My I don't want to end up killing myself in the process. I am trying to distract myself with exercising, reading, watching tv, etc. And sometimes they work. But there are days where nothing seems to numb the pain.
I want to keep on being interested and friendly with my ex. To be there when she needs me and to really show her that I am different person. At the same time, I wonder if I am being to available to her now. For instance, I never tell her no when she wants to go out and I always pick the phone when she calls. I don't know. I don't want to play games, but I also want to take actions that are effective.
Well, I think you're about to make a very grave mistake, but I'll tell you why. First, my prediction is kind of like the Mayor of Galveston giving mandatory evacuation orders - sure, things might work out fine, but the odds are bad and either you think things through or you foolishly go with your emotions du jour.
So first, with the house. The problem with the loan is that it may end up making things WORSE between you by causing resentment on one side, the other, or both sides. Finances are already a tough subject between people who are happily married; they're gasoline on fire between divorced people. Usually. The Boston area isn't exactly a spot for screaming deals, nor is it known for its low property taxes. XW may have the best of intentions in paying you back, but things creep up and nothing worse than property taxes.
This is why there are companies out there that specialize in harmonizing loans between family members; they keep things professional so it doesn't damage the relationship. The easiest thing you can do is not get involved, but if you do, I'd highly recommend one of these services. That way resentment doesn't build. After all, how will you feel if you find out XW and friend are sleeping together? Or let's say you meet someone and in a couple of years you want to get a place but XW still owes you most of the money?
You say she's worth the risk and the pain, but that clearly indicates that you're focused on winning her back. But the choice to divorce was yours. You need to own that decision. You chose that route for a reason, and it sounds to me like there are some major unresolved issues within yourself since you switched from that decision to your present state. Anyway, you can't make these kinds of decisions focused on winning her back. You need to focus on yourself and making yourself a better person who goes after the things they want in their own life. You can't focus on her as a way to make your life whole. If by refinding yourself, you win her back, great!
Sorry, I know this is a long post. But her response regarding the friend isn't exactly encouraging. My W had an A that I knew about, so it was a little different for me. But reading "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass really helped me see how easily confiding in a friend can become a slippery slope towards an A or R. That said, your W isn't having an A since you pursued the D, but she could easily be sliding towards a R, or already be in one, whether emotional, physical, or both. I think I'd agree with your friends - you're on a course that will intensify the pain.
Focus first on yourself and the friendship between you and W. Friends don't always say yes. Friends don't help each other buy houses (usually). Friends are simply important people that are there to support and listen when needed, do things together, make each other feel good with no strings attached.
I know the pain. We all do here. Some have been going through it for a long, long time, so I feel lucky to have only been going through it for a year. It gets better in time, though there will probably always be a hole. But you only have control over yourself, so that's where your focus should be. You shouldn't play games with ex, but neither should you be focusing so intently on winning her back. If you've told her you've made mistakes, she's heard it. Now she needs to SEE how you've changed. And even if she does see, it's going to take a long time, and she may decide too much damage was done. So focus on yourself and take the lessons you've learned to improve your understanding of making any future relationship work.
