Honestly guys...I know you are all always saying not to let my H drag me into his drama. But what am I supposed to do when he calls me after 1am in the morning crying and upset and that he has thought about killing himself? Honestly the problem last night was that he found out the OW was dating someone else and that she had my H on the string the whole time. He was so angry at her. Pure hate was coming out in his voice over her. He did what I recognized myself doing so many times to get attention. He knew she was out with a guy and he texted her a dozen times, with no answers. He was hurt, mad, upset and just not himself. I just listened to him, wondering why he had called me. He told me things that normally would have upset me and would have had me in tears, he even asked me a couple of times if I was crying. I had to say no. I had no desire to cry over any of it anymore. I was really sitting there listening, and at the same time trying to understand him, because I had been there. Only I was put there by him. I felt relieved in a sense. Relieved that I werent with this man. He descibed things to me that he had done that really frightend me. He use to hold anger in and not let it out...now, his therapist has helped him not hold it in anymore and really, Im not sure what she has accomplished. He was so hurt and upset by this OW deceiving him, that he didnt know how to feel or what to think or do.
I honestly didnt know how to help him other than to just listen. Honestly, I know this is his problem and not mine and I dont care how much someone has hurt me, I will be there for someone I love. He needed someone to listen and that person was me. I didnt feel it was right to hang up on him and be cold because he was hurting over the OW.
Call me crazy.
I just realize how lucky I am that I have God in my life to help me. I just wish my H would call on him for help.
Im having a good day otherwise. I am tired this morning. But I am so glad its friday!!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I think you did the right thing Kissak and I don't think many of us would have done differently. We still care of H/W and when they're hurt and need a friend, then we can still be there for them.
Thanks Dar...He hasnt bothered me today. Just texted me this morning to tell the kids he loved them and to have a good day.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Well I can tell you this...I wouldn't have listened for too long without letting him know that what he has experienced is what he has done...
As far as the suicidal comments...well, there you might need to draw a line...do you really want the responsibility of trying to make sure he doesn't do something stupid...because if he did it would make you feel that you failed him somehow...instead the next time he did this I would call 9-1-1...I would not even think twice just because he works with these people either...I called on my H twice...I did not want that hanging on me if he did follow through...and you can't stay up all night on the phone to make sure they don't either...
I understand your need to not reject him because of how you felt...but there is a way to let someone know that they are crossing bounderies...even though you said it didn't bother you like before it is still an emotional drain that you don't need...and he needs to respect that...he can call a hotline...his therapist...another "friend" who hasn't screwed over...but everytime he does this and you reply it reaffirms to him that you are there for him no matter what (no matter if he is throwing you aside for OW)...that even though you have told him you don't want to hear about OW he can still call you and put on the show and you will still listen...he tests the boundries and you move them...like with a child...if they are not set and enforced then your child will not respect them
I think you might need to speak to someone about this...it isn't healthy not be able to tell someone "no" and stand up for yourself...it isn't good that you put too much feeling for them and less for yourself...and I have to wonder how much begging it would take him to come home...he has tested the waters and you stood your ground...so he comes in for the weak spot...gets you to listen to how desperate he is about OW...he will try again...and keep trying until he wears you down...
Kissak, I say this because I can tell you without a doubt that I allowed my H home too soon...yes, we worked it out but it was touch and go...I know you have been through the in/out many times before but coming home too soon can be worse then not ever coming home...something to really really think about because I think you will be facing that soon!
Linda...all my opinion for what it is worth...take it or leave it
Thank you Linda. I do appreciate your opinion. I respect you because you have been there and are trying to help me.
I honestly have thought about speaking to someone myself. I do feel I give in to easily to him. But I dont think he will really move home. He told me last night that he has thought about moving home, but the thought of staying away is bigger.
Actually it didnt bother me that he said that. I was relieved that he did. I dont want him to come home. He is a broken man and he did it to himself.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Kissak, you are incredible. I dont think I could have listened to that from my h. If you honestly did not want to listen, but could not verbalize it, then that is something you should work on.
It really is unbelievable to me that these men can do this. Call their wives crying over the OW. They really are in the twilight zone.
He needs to look inward and work on him. Not your problem. You could be a friend, but, please dont take on his problems - let him deal with it all himself.
He needs to look inward and work on him. Not your problem. You could be a friend, but, please dont take on his problems - let him deal with it all himself.
I agree. I am letting him deal with things. Im just here to listen. He only called me last night because I was the only dummy that would probably answer the phone at 1 in the morning.
lol.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
He told me last night that he has thought about moving home, but the thought of staying away is bigger.
Caution...this could have been said to throw you off...you know reverse psychology?...he tells you he thought about it but the thought of staying away is bigger would make a person wonder what is so wrong with them that comming home is so bad? Or you say what you don't want and try to get the other person to change your mind...saves you face and boosts your ego at the same time!
Quote:
He only called me last night because I was the only dummy that would probably answer the phone at 1 in the morning.
If this is what you think of yourself (dummy) then he probably does too...and if you think only a dummy would answer his call at 1 am then what does that make the OW who didn't answer him? And which one is he pining for again? (not that you want nor need him to pine for you because that is no prize to gain now)...by not answering his calls at unreasonable times...not listening to his sorrows about OW...puts everything back in his court to deal with...as long as he can "share" with you he gets to avoid facing it in a way that will cause him to deal with it himself (like a man, hopefully)...
I really would like to see you, kissak, stand up for you and your kids (yes your kids because they see what you allow and this DOES effect their feelings of selfworth and what they feel they have to do)...you do need to talk to someone about how easy you are with him...why you can't set boundries and demand that he respect them...why you feel so compelled to listen to his problems with OW when he could give a rat's behind about you and the kids problems...he is only concerned with that when it involves money...not when it involves emotion...like how the kids feel when he doesn't show up...he gets more upset with you asking for money to pay for things the kids need above and beyond the child support...
Kissak...plain and simple...he used you, and is continuing to use you because he knows you won't say "no"...he gets your attention at 1 am and it reaffirms to him that you care so much you will give of yourself and listen to his babble about OW...
I don't know if you can see what I am seeing...but if you can you need to get help and end it...your H is not showing signs of improvement...at least mine said he didn't feel ready to move home but when he did he was honest in that he didn't love me but was willing to work on that...willing being the key word...your H is not willing to do anything for your sake or the sake of your kids...so why be so willing to listen to him at 1 am when you really need to get your own sleep? Because you think it makes you a mean person and you want so badly to be seen as nice...it isn't mean to demand respect...to not demand it is demeaning to one's self (you)...to demand it is strength that is to be respected...friendship is a two way street...you are going down a one way street right now...and the cars are headed right at you...see?
Yes. I see and I am taking it all in. I agree. Somethings I just cant say no to him about. Honestly, he didnt call me a dummy. He said he only felt comfortably talking to 2 people and one of them was sick and wouldnt have answered the phone. Ow wouldnt have answered. She was on a date.
Your right though about the reverse physc. I think he does that alot. I do mean ALOT! I have seen him do it with the OW too.
This weekend has been quiet though. My son stayed with his dad last night, but he brought him home very early so he could work. He didnt say anything to me this morning other than hey see u later. Its been quiet today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
OH, and honestly, when I think about when he said the comment about the thought of not coming home was bigger.....he did ask if I was ok or if I was crying....that is when I said "nope, Im just fine". Maybe he was looking for that ego boost. Glad I didnt give into it.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
