WAW: Watching & Waiting

[Bridgestone]

You will have to deal with it tonight.

to some extent.. there was a lot of hurt in the car ride home. I got the impression, he didn't think I would tell the C the things I did. I got the impression he wanted to justify and argue with the C's commentary about his actions of blaming and mostly of his anger. He had a lot of internal struggling going on. I kept trying to validate & understand from his perspective. I was pretty drained after the 2 hour car ride home & told him I needed space to regroup & re-energize. I got blamed him hurting because I left again.

"But why do my guts practically turn inside out whenever I hear his voice get intense, his nasty words take on my actions, his blame lay at my feet... ugg.."

This comes from past experience. The Expectation.. that something will be different.

I've puzzled over this comment & the next ones for a few days now. Yes.. past experience with H (as recently as last week) leaves me to believe that when his voice is intense, his words get nasty & he is judgemental he will be relentless until I am emotionally or mentally hurt.

I have a physical reaction... I draw inward, my shoulders hunch forward, my head goes down, my face freezes into my 'poker face', my breaths become shallow, my whole body freezes.. like a hare trying not to be seen by the fox in the meadow.

I am expecting that he will not intentionally frighten/scare/ridicule me if he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic expectation.

What if his nasty words are honest?

Honest to whom? Honest implies 'truth'.. there are several truths & perspectives. If they are 'honest' to him, I don't want to be with a man who believes those things about me. That is not who I am.

What if they don't take on your actions?

If he can do that and be self-aware.. it is easier. It has happened.. not often but it has happened.

What if his words are not intense?

C asked the same thing... told me I was to monitor his intensity and tell him when it was getting too much for me to handle. It has worked a couple times.. other times I get to it too late & he blows up. And again.. it becomes my responsibilty to monitor his feelings & my fault if he blows, becasue I didn't see it soon enough.

What if... He blames himself?

yep... he does afterward, when he is 'honest' & self-aware.

That creates this cycle... he blows up, reflects (takes 2 days to 2 weeks), falls into the woe-is-me pool & apologizing every other second (another 2 days to a week), I am compassionate & understand we all make mistakes, forgive him.. things are neutral (2 minutes to 2 days)...intensity builds (2 minutes to 2 days). back to blow up.

"I am beginning to feel pity for the man. But it is his pool to get out of not mine."

Someone.. once posted about a Lifeguard. A Lifeguard.. will keep throwing you something to grab hold of.. until you get it.

They always understand.. you gotta grab the "something".

at some point the lifeguard goes off duty & someone else takes their place... either the coast guard, the head life guard.. someone.

the other thing is if you are in the water with them... they pull you under. Try to climb out, by climbing on top of you... end result.. you both need saving or you both drown

Drowning.. yep.. that was how I described how I felt in my M. before I left.

thanks for your insight.. as always.. you make me think
Bridge