God give me the patience and the strength...7

[theotherhalf]

Hey all,

Hope things are good for you and yours! Things are okay here. Nothing to exciting to report here on the TOH's homefront. And that's okay.

I thought this morning. Thank God for peace. A year ago things were SOO bad in my world. H was running around in his truck drunk off his ars. Calling all the time ranting and raving. Threatening me or suggesting suicide. In hiding alot. I was an extreme mess too. My kids were pretty much left on their own to deal with it all. Our world had crashed around us and we couldn't stop it or change it.

Things are so much more quiet and peaceful now days. H of course is still gone but we see him alot and he is much like his old self. Still drinks but no where near as before. The girls are doing so much better too, as well as I. We are adjusting to this new life without him sucks as it may. We hate it, we miss him, we are shaking our heads, and still asking why but it is what it is and we are making the best of it.

I have been really working with D17 to get her PMA up. And to figure out a way for her to be able to get it all done and yet have fun. She is a senior. She works. She really blew last year at school so has some catching up to do. With all that has gone on at home, boy and friend troubles, she struggles in school, works alot of hours, grades and small legal trouble, she dropped out of VB but is still a manager, the fear of mom going to prison, Dad leaving her, OW and her girls in hiding, etc... she really has way too much on her plate. I am trying to help her to sort through it, and manage it all. It's tough, sometimes she gets really angry at me but she knows I am only trying to help. And it seems to be working. She seems to be pulling it together every day.

N14 is a freshman in HS. She is a more of a go with the flo kind of girl. Life is all about her so the home life crap really doesn't effect her as much. It really is sad. We saved this girl 7 years ago from going to foster care. Mom lost her to drugs and the system. We got her out, gave her a safe home, and have done the very best for her that we could. To this day she idolizes her mom. Mom is an angel and she resents us for her not being able to live with mom. She lives with us but that is all. She really is not a part of our family. We've all tried so much with her and none of it has mattered. She spends just about every hour of every day in her room. She comes out to eat and shower and that is about it. We've tried to coax, we've tried to force, and now I just let her be. I hate it. But I can't change how she feels. I think she is just getting by, counting the days till she can be free from this "prison" she is in. I have to be honest...I love the child as she was my own but I sometimes find myself counting the days till graduation too.

Don't really know what is going on with H. I try not to think about it and wonder too much. I'd only be guessing anyway. Don't know if OW is still in the picture. I think she is there slightly but I don't think for much longer. My gut feeling only.
He has worked every night 10-6 since last Saturday night. I have talked to him every day for one reason or another. When we've talked on the phone it has been for an hour each time not 10-15 minutes. And I have ended the calls he doesn't anymore. I called him the other night and told him I made fried chicken and he is more than welcome to come for supper. I didn't wait for an answer, I just put it out there and ended the call. Left it totally up to him, like it didn't matter if he did or didn't. He came. He laid on the couch then after till he had to go to work. I left him alone. He was pretty quiet and totally obvious to me and the girls that he felt uncomfortable. D17 said he should. I feel bad for him, but I don't know how to help that. He has stopped every morning after work since Wed. He just comes and sits and talks to me and the girls if they are around for an hour or 2 then goes home to bed. He is so quiet now. Like he is thinking alot. Has been kind of grouchy but the anger isn't there anymore. He will laugh with me when I say something funny, or he'll tell a funny story. There have been no R talks. I haven't asked too much about farming, he did call the neighbor about renting his ground out, so thinking of keeping in it. But the guy turned him down and with prices, weather and all he just may decide to give it up. I'm not pushing. I know he is really struggling with this decision right now. As far as us I've not pushed that either. I am really not leaving him alone as you say but I'm not presuring or really pursuing. I am letting him lead the boat. I am here I guess as his friend. I flirt but don't push. I listen if he talks. I try and keep things on a positive note. I don't question him too much. I give him tiny bits of my opinion like with the farming. He has been sick so I've offered some meds but not been mothering.

As for TOH I am okay. I don't think I've cried in 3 or 4 days. The same ol same ol. I hate this mess. I miss my H, my friend so very much. I hate that he doesn't want to be with me. I hate being alone. But it is what it is and I have to deal with it. It isn't right or fair how my H is treating me and our girls. But in my heart I know it's all he has to give right now. And for me, I guess, what little bits of time I have with him is better than not being with him at all. For today. And that's all I really have is today. At least I feel like I am gaining strength. I am no longer on my knees begging H to come back. I still hope and pray that he will but nothing I do is going to make that happen. I am being the best TOH that I can be and hope that he'll see that. If he doesn't, sad, but his loss. In the last couple of weeks I've gotten alot done around here. Using the unfinished projects to get me off the floor and start living again. Keeping busy not only occupies my time but improves my PMA. Now I need to get past feeling like I have to make sure H knows about my accomplishments and that I feel I need his praise or approval. I need to make my self pride enough.

Enough!!! Sorry this is so long. Just had alot on my mind this morning and it really helps to get it out here. Thanks for listening...

TOH
HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!
(((()))))