Yes, it's still all about her. I am thankful she did pick me up. I really wish now that it didn't have to be her.
After all the pain W has put me through, continues to put me through, I hate that I don't have anyone close by to rely upon. This thing about the endoscopy has me pondering what I will be able to do in the future in this regard. I've been holding a quiet little pity party for myself, for being so far away from family and loved ones who I can really count on. I've got friends and colleagues, yes. Some fairly close. But none so close I feel it prudent to lean upon.
I know the realities of non-blood-related friends and the transience of seemingly close relationships in this volatile demi-urban setting. It seems that people move in and out of one's lives with more and more frequency. There's not the permanence of community one used to rely upon. Not here.
So I am repeatedly feeling a great deal of regret for having ever moved to this state 12 years ago now, so far away from close family. (At least it is better than when we lived in Seattle.) And I think back to all the misfortune that has mounted for us since we moved here, and can only conclude that it it is a net loss.
I want to leave, get away, find some place closer to my brother's family and to my mother, at least within an easy day's drive. And were W ever to want to reconcile, which I know she's not, I'd put a relocation on the table as part of the deal.
Right now the only thing that keeps me here is my two sons. And that is everything to me. They're the family that matters most to me right now. So I must stay put. And unfortunately they're too young for me to rely on them for help.
I guess I am just going to have to continue the high-wire act without a net.
