What I will give you is my opinion only, based upon reading your thread, on my own experience, and on my experience dealing with people on these boards. The problem with the internet is that things can come across as blunt and impersonal, and I don't intend to be curt, but I see you hurting and I do think time is of the essence as the longer the infidelity goes on, the more you're losing your love for her.
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I have some difficulty reconciling myself to the fact that my W is in another relationship, and that we are still married. You will know from my posts, that I have been recently trying to follow a path of friendship to help counteract some of the negative feelings that she has toward me.
The reason you're having difficulty reconciling your wife's affair is because it's morally and ethically WRONG, and it violates your own code of personal integrity. I would worry about you if it DIDN'T bother you. I personally do not believe it is either effective, or advisable, for a betrayed spouse to try and be their wayward spouse's "friend" while they are still actively involved in an affair. At its simplest, it rewards their bad behavior, which in and of itself is basic "stimulus-and-response" stuff that won't work -- she cheats, you reward her with your friendship. But it also damages YOUR self-esteem. Part of my more aggressive approach with affairs is out of concern for the betrayed spouse's self-esteem and self-worth. Men, especially, feel emasculated, and the long-term damage to their own emotional and physchological well-being HAS to be factored in to what approach you decide to take, in my opinion.
I also know for a fact that women don't find the passive, "be their friend" approach attractive, so ironically, it can actually HURT your efforts to attract her back to you.
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Although I'm trying to think positively, I have had the most dramatic reactions from her in the past when I have in some way, confronted her about her behaviour.
Excellent. There's a good clue for you then.
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I said a few months ago that I was not happy to give her the "time and space" tthat she needed, if she was going to fill that time with another R.
I was very non confrontational but strong then.
But of course, she's continued along that path, and I'm still giving her "time and space" et al, and sometimes feel like I'm just giving her A my okay in some way.
Here is the crux of the problem you're having. A boundary is no boundary at all, if -- when crossed -- is not met with clear consequences. You SAID you weren't OK with it, but your ACTIONS have been that you are okay with it. She is therefore continuing on in her behavior, feeling you've given her your tacit approval.
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I have misgivings that I am simply enabling her to live her life like nothing has changed, except the fact that she has no responsibilty or commitment to me as a partner or husband. She is in our house, with our kids, and gets all her needs from her A.
Yep. BINGO. I'm sure she's very pleased with the arrangement, and she has very little reason (other than your inner disapproval) to change, and she WON'T change as long as this is the offer. Furthermore, as stated above, rather than "score you points" for being the good, non-confrontational husband, she is likely LOSING respect -- and even love -- for you the longer this is allowed to go on. I know that sucks to hear, but it's true. Women, in particular, have a hard time loving a man they do not respect -- it's a key component. And they do not respect weakness.
Let me ask you a key question: what was your personality style in the marriage, PRE-affair? Were you a strong, dominant, perhaps even controlling person, or did you tend to be a pleaser, rescuer, and more passive? There's a reason I'm asking this.
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I guess I felt that I had no choice but to accept the way things were, because I felt pretty much entirely responsible for the fact she had ended our marriage.(Rightly or wrongly). So I didn't feel I had any right to ask her to do or not do anything.
This is WRONG. Totally undertandable, but wrong. Just because you have had failings in the relationship in the past, doesn't mean you forever lose any moral authority over it going forward. If a parent smoked pot when they were younger, does that mean they can't counsel their kids against using illegal drugs? Or can you find a way to say "Look, I made some foolish mistakes myself in the past, but I love you very much and I don't want to see you make those same mistakes"?? I think IC can help you in this area. This (dealing with infidelity and the potential end of a marriage) is going to be the biggest challenge you've ever faced in your life. You quite simply WON'T be able to do it if you completely concede your own moral authority to your wife, regardless of your past trangressions.
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The only real boundary that I have tried to set, is that she doesn't talk to me about OM.
And that WORKED, too, didn't it. Immediately. Hmmmm . . .
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Am I being a wuss here? Do I feel like a doormat?........ a bit.
Forget what anyone ELSE thinks the answer to this is. What do YOU feel like? How does it make YOU feel when you are unable to lay out and enforce boundaries? How does her continued disrespect make you feel and act? Are you able to remain loving and detached, knowing that your loving detachment is part of some grand strategy of yours, or is it killing you, every day?
I do think that the more passive approach can work, but ONLY when:
a) your prior marital interpersonal style was dominant and overly controlling; and
b) YOU are able to do it, without damage to your own psyche, knowing that it's part of your overal DBing strategy.
People can and DO pull this off. I personally couldn't, and see a lot of men who can't.
There is nothing wrong with showing strength and dignity. But I don't think there's anything particularly "strong" or "dignified" about enabling a spouse's affair. It's far better to convey, and live out, that you clearly are NOT okay with what they are doing, that you CANNOT be their friend as long as they are trying to harm you, but you DO still love them, and you are committed to working at the marriage (including your faults in it), but they MUST end their affair, first.
You cannot work on a marriage where one partner has unilaterally invited a third person into it.
