You know it's interesting that you say that because in her mind trust was one of the big problems. After my financial issues she had said that she had trouble trusting me. Her actions do seem to tell a different story. Thanks for pointing that out.
My W is the same way. Yet when the chips are down they 'know' that of all the people they know, we're the ones that are most trustworthy.
Why?
Because they know we'll love them no matter what. Because other 'friends' are only fair weather friends. We're friends no matter what. No matter what.
They forget that when they are running. My W even said it to me, that "I was her greatest teacher and friend". Yet still they run from the problems.
It's not because of US. Who could be perfect all the time? Who could be the 'Knight in shining armor" all the time? It's because they only saw us as 'strong, fearless, trustworthy'. We weren't perfect. So they ran away. Because they were back to the 'little girl' we met years ago. The one who saw us as their champion.
They haven't grown up. We have, but we also got beat up. Crashed in some way. And we found out that in our relationships we were alone now. We had married someone who NEEDED us. And when we needed them, they were incapable of being there for us. Because they were waiting for us to 'be that white knight'. But we couldn't. First we had to save ourselves. And we did.
Then as their lives get worse and worse they see us, the rock, the stable one.
Even though we were falling apart when they left, they know we're capable, and determined, to be strong. Because we aren't quitters. We are champions.
What they don't realize, and we do realize, is that they were like a drowning person, pulling us down while we were trying to save ourselves, and them.
Once we let them go, we can save ourselves. In turn, we have the strength to save them also. But we shouldn't. It seems 'wrong' to us but we MUST break the cycle.
Because we're propagating the same problems yet again. Trust me, I've been there 3 times with my W. The cycle has to end.
Not by 'punishing her' but by allowing her to learn.
And that is so painful for us. Because we 'know what to do'. We 'know how to fix it'. But we shouldn't.
Why? Because they don't know. And we can't tell them. It has to be learned or it won't 'stick'. We must keep a comfortable distance.
It sucks to be us because we just want to fix it. We know HW to 'fix it'. Instead we must lovingly let them fail, so they can succeed.
So what am I doing? I don't give her grief when she comes around in the mornings. I encourage her coming by and spending time with our D's
I don't treat her like crap. I don't approve of her choices at all, but I do treat her like Jesus would treat any other sinner.
Or like a decent person would treat another decent person.
How will it end? I don't know. What I do know is that it will end as it should. And I'll be a better man for it.
