Having babies and small children in the house had a MAJOR effet on my wife's sex-drive, to the point that from the moment the child was born all the way until the kid was getting on board a bus for kindergarten, I knew that my wife's focus would be on the child, over and above our relationship. Other women aren't so child-centric as mine, but it is still a common marriage problem.
Having a baby to take care of really puts their mothering, nurturing, caring instincts into full gear. I could swear that my wife's thought processes (relationship wise) looked like: BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY husband. You get the idea. Which means that you will have to work extra hard to get her attention back to you and your relationship with her.
The four things that you are combating right now are her feelings of being:
* child-centered * overwhelmed * tired or exhausted * unattractive and unsexy
First tip: you've already figured out the best way of getting her to notice you and the love that you have for her: support her and help her with the BABY as much as possible. She's wrapped up in it, and your direct involvement and support will help steer her more in your direction. Insist on doing things with and for the baby, even if your diapering jobs aren't as neat has hers, you can't burp as expertly as she can, whatever -- ensure her that your masculine style with the baby won't be to it's detriment. In fact, YOU need to bond with the baby too and the baby with you, and hands-on is the only way to do it.
Second tip: which goes along with the above. Take over the baby often and give Mom some time to herself: some relaxation time, some fun time, some social time with other women. You may have to 'throw' her out of the house with a girlfriend to get her to stop hanging on the baby's every whimper and to keep her from constantly monitoring YOU to make sure you're doing it right. At this stage, she can't hardly help that, so you have to help HER detach for short bouts of time.
Third tip: affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. Carrying and bearing and caring for a baby is decidedly un-sexy, and your wife may be feeling very unattractive and far from sexy right now. I don't care how much weight she may have gained or where the new stretch marks may be, YOU have got to affirm to her, over and over, every day, just how beautiful and attractive and sexy she is to you -- and mean it. If she's nursing, she may feel more like a milk-cow than a woman with sexy breasts right now, and you have to assure her that they're still just as sexy as ever (and if you like big breasts, then there's a temporary bonus there too). Here's another secret for you: mother's milk tastes wonderful: yes, sexual stimulation gets things flowing, but yes, Dad can take care of that and get in a 'feeding' of his own. There's plenty there to share a little with you occasionally, and mom enjoys it too (at least, my wife did).
Fourth tip: as soon as the baby is old enough and you have a reliable sitter available, make definite dates with your wife, without baby in tow. Yes, this is will be hard for your wife, especially at first, but it gets easier with time. Your wife really needs that time away from the baby and to be a WIFE with a HUSBAND again every now and then.
Now my disclaimer: Despite having four tries at it, I still did a LOT of things wrong with all four children. My wife was the queen of the child-centered marriage, and it made me feel like the outsider looking in every time. I did get better with each one, but each child stressed my already battered marriage. So take my post as a "do as I say, but not as I did" bit.
Best regards,
-- B.
Last edited by Bagheera; 09/11/0811:42 PM.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
This man understood something about women that even most women don't understand. He understood that "giving someone a baby" is not actually sexual, its not actually spiritual, but its some how both and neither. To a woman, for a man to "give her his baby" - is the ultimate way he can say he loves her and wants her. He not only wants her sexually, he wants her in an evolutionary sense...which - when this man said that to me - my evolutionary sexuality woke up immediately and knocked on my ovaries and said "whose there? Who just said they were gonna give me a couple of babies?" I was stirred up, in other words...and the guy KNEW I would be!
Great insight. These things - desire, attraction, sex, creation, birth, (and death) - are all interconnected on many different levels. As you say, many women (and men) don't get it (or maybe don't like to think about it).
The more I think of sex as this kind of deep-lying natural dynamic within me - rather than (as I used to) a thing that could be given to me - the healthier I feel.
Just confirming what you said, and at the risk of sounding too graphic, filling a woman deep inside with teeming sperm is undoubtedly the most intense erotic experience I can think of.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
A look of sudden awareness flashed across his face, as I could see him literally imagining my body big with his child, and himself as my protector.
And after a pause he said "woman, I would protect you like a FIERCE ANIMAL if you were carrying my child"...
After that we were so turned on we ran off and had very crazy wild sex, during which we had lots of talk about him giving me his baby during the act, and we both acted like fierce animals in heat. Whee! (sorry, got off track there....)
...as a woman, these are the MOST seductive, MOST spiritual, MOST sexual, MOST natural feelings I have ever had...the feeling of thinking that, were I carrying his child, he would literally kill any other animal that threatened me.
This is where I think your man has got it all together. He's in touch with the fierce beast inside (that would kill if it had to).
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The basic point of what you want to communciate to her is cave man speak:
Woman - you are mine - you carry my baby - I will protect you to the death - and give you more babies - oooga ooga.
DQ - the way you put that is something else - do you write for a living? When I read "oooga ooga" I pretty much wet myself with laughter. I did actually try oooga ooga on my wife, but she thought it was "baby talk" for the little one. Oh well!
But seriously, there's a lot to think about here - tapping into the primaeval side of a woman? I've started working on it.
And how are you?
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
I'm pretty good S&A...we have been wondering where you are!
I had to laugh about the ooga ooga part...I doubt your wife will really "get it" unless you also beat on your chest! Hey, try that too, though! :0)
My fiance actually makes this low gutteral noise in his throat, similar to a moan but also something different, more animal, while we are beginning to get intimate. It sounds wacky to describe it, but I know for a fact that something about the vibration of this sound in his throat makes my body get ready for him. Its like some primitive communication...a soft yet powerful animal noise...not sure how else to describe it, but maybe the next time you're feeling particularly randy about your wife, you can just relax and see what kind of sounds your throat would make if you didn't give it any voice? I think the key though is in the primal feelings...they are what drives it.
I don't write for a living, but I do love to write and have written many stories, etc. Part of why I love message boards is because I am such a prolific writer that I want to write even when I'm not writing a story...so it gives me a great outlet by writing these essay-long posts.
First tip: you've already figured out the best way of getting her to notice you and the love that you have for her: support her and help her with the BABY as much as possible. She's wrapped up in it, and your direct involvement and support will help steer her more in your direction. Insist on doing things with and for the baby, even if your diapering jobs aren't as neat has hers, you can't burp as expertly as she can, whatever -- ensure her that your masculine style with the baby won't be to it's detriment. In fact, YOU need to bond with the baby too and the baby with you, and hands-on is the only way to do it.
I have done and continue to do as much as I can. Its very noticeable to me this time around that she's a lot more relaxed and has more time to do other things. The little one is also benefitting (I think!)
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Second tip: which goes along with the above. Take over the baby often and give Mom some time to herself: some relaxation time, some fun time, some social time with other women. You may have to 'throw' her out of the house with a girlfriend to get her to stop hanging on the baby's every whimper and to keep her from constantly monitoring YOU to make sure you're doing it right. At this stage, she can't hardly help that, so you have to help HER detach for short bouts of time.
I agree, being "houselocked" first time around was a big problem for my wife. Time away from the house on her own (and also for ourselves) is very difficult at the moment, but we're managing little bits here and there.
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Third tip: affirmation, affirmation, affirmation. Carrying and bearing and caring for a baby is decidedly un-sexy, and your wife may be feeling very unattractive and far from sexy right now. I don't care how much weight she may have gained or where the new stretch marks may be, YOU have got to affirm to her, over and over, every day, just how beautiful and attractive and sexy she is to you -- and mean it. If she's nursing, she may feel more like a milk-cow than a woman with sexy breasts right now, and you have to assure her that they're still just as sexy as ever (and if you like big breasts, then there's a temporary bonus there too).
For me, this "affirm, affirm, affirm" point is one of the very best of all your insights, which you mentioned a while back on your own thread. It really struck a chord with me at the time. I started doing it then, and I'm doing it even more now, though not in the former "nice guy/covert contract" way I perhaps would have done previously. I'm starting to realise that compliments, if given in the right spirit and without expectation, are like gifts in themselves. Definitely a very good point of yours.
Quote:
Here's another secret for you: mother's milk tastes wonderful: yes, sexual stimulation gets things flowing, but yes, Dad can take care of that and get in a 'feeding' of his own. There's plenty there to share a little with you occasionally, and mom enjoys it too (at least, my wife did).
I must confess to having very mixed feelings about this one!
Quote:
Fourth tip: as soon as the baby is old enough and you have a reliable sitter available, make definite dates with your wife, without baby in tow. Yes, this is will be hard for your wife, especially at first, but it gets easier with time. Your wife really needs that time away from the baby and to be a WIFE with a HUSBAND again every now and then.
Agreed. All too often the "husband-wife dynamic" gets replaced by the "dad-mother dynamic", or worse the "dad acting like little boy-mother" dynamic. I will do all I reasonably can to ensure that does not happen again.
Quote:
Now my disclaimer: Despite having four tries at it, I still did a LOT of things wrong with all four children. My wife was the queen of the child-centered marriage, and it made me feel like the outsider looking in every time. I did get better with each one, but each child stressed my already battered marriage. So take my post as a "do as I say, but not as I did" bit.
I know that feeling only too well. It depressed the hell out of me. However, I now see clearly my own contribution to that situation. To use the same analogy, instead of looking in through the window, I've now found the door, and I've got a key that lets me in. And things have been going a whole lot better. The atmosphere at home - some stressful times aside - is so different I sometimes can't believe it myself.
Thanks again.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
My fiance actually makes this low gutteral noise in his throat, similar to a moan but also something different, more animal, while we are beginning to get intimate. It sounds wacky to describe it, but I know for a fact that something about the vibration of this sound in his throat makes my body get ready for him. Its like some primitive communication...a soft yet powerful animal noise...not sure how else to describe it, but maybe the next time you're feeling particularly randy about your wife, you can just relax and see what kind of sounds your throat would make if you didn't give it any voice? I think the key though is in the primal feelings...they are what drives it.
As well as all supportive things I'm doing, I'm also slipping in little compliments and comments. Trying to steadily ramp up the temperature. The difference now from before is that I feel so much more relaxed about the whole thing. I know its going to happen, but I'm actually enjoying just gently feeding the fire bit by bit.
S&A
"A man can be destroyed but not defeated" - from The Old Man and the Sea, by Ernest Hemingway.
Which I take to mean that every man has within him a spirit of relentlessness and optimism. Its already there; he just has to cultivate it.
S&A...I just wanted to say that the bit about mother's milk...um...yeah this is a huge primal turn on.
I won't say anymore than that, as it is soooo personal between a man and nursing wife...but if you have mixed feelings on it, I think you should explore that and maybe push the envelope a bit.
Its just...a very very intimate yet primal experience....if you haven't "gone there" yet, you may be surprised at just how sexual and strangely satisfying (for both of you) it can be. Maybe I am wrong though and if your wife protests or looks at you like you're crazy...then obviously maybe its not right for you two...but seriously, you should push the envelope on yourself about this....think of it like: a gift from her body, not only to your baby, but also to you.
As well as all supportive things I'm doing, I'm also slipping in little compliments and comments. Trying to steadily ramp up the temperature. The difference now from before is that I feel so much more relaxed about the whole thing. I know its going to happen, but I'm actually enjoying just gently feeding the fire bit by bit.
This is great, it will help her to feel sexy. You are doing great! ~Ali
