New Thread, new life, new happiness

[HopefultotheEnd]

I would not pay for her car, even if it's shared. She'll have to let it get repoed or pay for it herself. Pay the house since you are living there.

I agree...

I think a, "I'm not going to pay your bills while you're spending money and gas to have affairs with other men."

Is in order.

It's alot easier to rebuild my credit than it is my dignity and self respect.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Incidentaly, When I came home last night she was asleep in my bed. I woke her but did not make her leave when she elected to stay. I just went to sleep.

[HopefultotheEnd]

I asked W to watch the girls last night, and she elected to stay again when I woke her up to go home. Two nights in a row. Tonight I have plans so she asked my parents to watch the girls so she could go see OM.

It is really surreal that she is up in my bed as I type this.

I don't know what to think.

[HopefultotheEnd]

This conversation was all over the place, it was really hard to transcribe. Ther are some things I could have done better...

W called me Sat. and I told her about some bills I couldn't pay. I told her I was concerned about her spending and that I felt taken advantage of that she was spending our money on gas to go cheat on me.

I ended the previous conversation, before it lead to more more R talk.

But there is more...

A few hours later she calls back and I answer. It's about the kids but she asks how I am, I answer vaguely and ask how she is, she says she is feeling guilty and that she thinks that I'm torturing myself. She tells me that she is better now, even when she's lonely and that I seem better/happier too, especially physically. She begins to deny her involvement with the OM saying, "it's not like that." and laments that she can't convince me. She informs me that she was almost getting into a relationship recently with OM#2 but broke it off because it was getting to serious and that nothing Physical happened with him. She doesn't like that I think things are going on. I say, "but it's true.", she says , "No, it's not."

I switch the topic back to finances and tell her that I don't think our joint bill paying arrangement is going to work. I tell her that I have to stand up for myself and that I can't pay for her bills. She gets very angry and defensive and reminds me how she gave me one of her paychecks to pay a joint bill. I tell her I appreciated that.

She tells me that we are never getting back together. I tell her that I'm sorry she feels that way and that I won't stand in the way of if that's what she wants. She says that she has tried to be fair about everything and that she could have gone to a L and gotten alimony and then I really would be paying her bills but that she didn't because she doesn't think that's fair.

I pretty much just listen and say I'm sorry she feels that way. I tell her that I understand that she is afraid that things would go back to being like they were, but I wish we could say we at least tried. She says they would. Then she asks about our physical relationship. She says that she wouldn't mind being with me as a friend but doesn't want to be with me physically. With difficulty I decide to get off the phone.

She calls me one more time a bit later but I don't answer. Her message was about something for the kids.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I found this particularly helpful. Thanks again Dan for pointing me to that thread. And to Puppy, I think I've wanted a rundown of what you did for a while. (I never did find it in your past threads)

Fierce,

There's nothing wrong with waiting, so long as, WHILE you are waiting, you don't say or do anything that makes him misinterpret your silence in any way. I "waited" for my wife for three months to end her affair, but it was a whirlwind of pretty ACTIVE "waiting." It took:

- initial confrontation
- initial exposure of our adult daughters
- additional exposure of her parents, my parents, both families' siblings, her and OM's employer
- a VERY aggressive "PLEASE STOP THE LYING, NOW" re-confrontation at the 60-day mark
- filing for divorce

All the while, yes, I "GAL" and was generally civil (and at times even loving) and was the best dad I could possibly be. "Look good and smell good" and all that rot.

HOWEVER, let me assure you, that at no point during my 90-day ordeal was I ever NOT working to control of the timeline and the agenda of the endgame. No, I could not control HER, nor her decision as to whether or not to end her affair and return to our marriage, but I never stopped observing, studying, praying, getting legal (and other) counsel, seeking support from family, friends and here on this forum, etc.

ACTIVE waiting.

Finally, I want to say something about this whole "push them toward the OW/OM" thing. I have NEVER understood that, nor agreed with it. BY DEFINITION, we are talking about people in active affairs . . . how much more "close" do they need to be to them???? We cannot "push" them. We can only let them know very clearly what OUR boundaries of personal integrity are, and that our patience is not without limits. What they then DO with that information, is entirely up to them.

Do I think it's possible to drive away a spouse, to push them towards an OM/OW? Yes . . . by being a JERK, unloving, a poor parent to their children, a person of low or no integrity, engaging in fights and angry outbursts, not living up to our responsibilies, etc., etc. But NOT by being a person of strong integrity and letting them know that we are NOT willing to live with a third person in our marriage.

OK, end of rant. I feel much better now.



Puppy

This makes me wonder if I should have a calm yet serious conversation where I clarify my feelings that I don't want a D but it's not OK for her to be cheating etc...

Hi, HTTE --

I think if you'll go back to your old posts, you'll see that's pretty much exactly what I was trying to encourage you to do back in mid-May. I'd especially refer you back to my post to you on 5/21.

You've lost four months. Get crackin', if for nothing else, than for YOURSELF. I'm not busting your balls (OK, I am) -- we all are not ready to hear it at the same pace. It took me nearly TWO YEARS to face the SSM warnings I was being given, and SIX MONTHS of VERY strong (yet loving) confrontation from my friends on the SSM board, who were warning me that my wife was ripe for an affair if I didn't change my approach. I didn't listen. But once I found out about her affair, I acted IMMEDIATELY.

Please do what you have to to do stand up for yourself. I worry about your long-term self-esteem, whether or not this marriage works out.

Peace,

Puppy

[maninmotion]

HTTE,
I have to weigh in with PDT here, your self-respect is important. The old me would put up with anything and bear any burden and swallow any offense trying to keep her. The new me has some self-respect and there is a limit to what I'm willing to put up with in the interests of trying to save our marriage.

I don't know when, but, I think that it will be soon that I will be forcing a conversation with my wife about her behavior. Go read my latest thread here, there is some good info there from PDT and Amy.

Dan

[HopefultotheEnd]

Thank you Puppy and dan...I've been reading a lot and am processing. I will have more to post later.

[HopefultotheEnd]

I really havn't been able to deal with my sitch lately. I've just regressed so far, not detatched etc...

Puppy:

Hi, HTTE --

I think if you'll go back to your old posts, you'll see that's pretty much exactly what I was trying to encourage you to do back in mid-May. I'd especially refer you back to my post to you on 5/21.

I re-read your post and yes it really does apply again to my sitch. When that was happening I was focused on her moving out which she did. In this instance it's the money. I don't think I'm sold on the benifit of filing. I guess I still need help seeing the big picture.

So far I've at least commited myself to going as completely dark as humanly possible. I think I want my W back too much. It's driving me crazy. This is the worst since the week after she left. I'm sure it has to do with all the little things that have come up lately. Her initiating affection, sleeping in my bed. As much as I hate it I can't allow that anymore. Regardless on wether I have a "talk" with her.

Tomorrow evening she mentioned she wants do do a budget. I'm going to have to figure out how to act dark and friendly. I also need to decide if I am going to bring up "anything" I think I said my piece about the bills so all that is left is the honesty and respect and confrontation about what evidence I have. I think that she doesn't feel that it is wrons since she moved out.

I'm doing the best I can.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Here is Puppies post from May.

It has been a while, I had a "talk" with my W back then where I set a pretty clear boundary and she chose the alternative which was to move out. I've already decided that my next step needs to be stopping any payments on her car and any bills in her name. I'll think of it to be more like trade sanctions than dectaring for war.

I think tomorrow I'll do the budget with her and hand her her stack of bills. That should be clear enough.

[Kakatal]

And I need to figure out what to do about her car payment. (which is in both of our names) I don't want to pay her stuff but if I don't it will ruin my formerly perfect credit.

HTTE,

I am going through this same crap with SBXW. Both of our cars are in both of our names. I called Ford Motor Credit & asked how I could get off her car & her off mine. I had to submit a credit application & $75 fee for them to run my credit & determine if they would drop her from my loan.

So you may want to look at that route in order to get yourself off her car loan & vice versa.

Read up on your sitch. Mirrors mine but my w has already filed & is bound & determined to leave. I have found respect for myself in realizing that I don't want to be with anyone who would disrespect me by cheating on me. It's all about ME now - she has no control over that.