Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby)

[JGrind]

T2L,
Yes, I saw most of that episode today. Why does it seem like everytime you turn around there is some blip on TV about affairs?I watched M and J show couple months ago. They were talking about why women have affairs and what type men they are typically attracted to. #1 type man most women were attracted to?
THE SOCCER COACH!! Ok, mine's a baseball coach- close enough.
Anyway , thanks for the reminder about the book.

[JGrind]

hope3343,
Thanks for reply.Ive been avoiding any contact with OW's H since we spoke on two occasions right after this came crashing down. He was one who actually enlightened me to the A, but I denied it until H confessed. H did call police when he got threatening message and insisted I call if he ever came around again because he doesnt want that "freak" around our kids. I just started attending new church, but have spoke to pastor on couple occasions. Will consider discussing OW's H with him. Thank You. You are right, his behavior is probably pushing my husband more toward OW, and If I have any other contact with him I will instist he stop this behavior for that reason , but especially for the kids sakes. I still think OW is using my H for protection and shelter. Im sure it feels empowering for him ,but youd think he'd feel in over his head with all this drama. Seems like it would be so much easier just to fix the marriage than to run off. But they say people who run from their problems seek relief and end up in PAIN and people who face their problems experience pain, but end up RELIEVED
By the way, nice 180! Sound like the "last resort" technique? Your H reaction interesting. Really threw him off it sounds like. I officially implemented "last resort " when my H and I were having another "going nowhere" conversation about what happened between us and H again reminded me I was to blame and he didnt love me anymore. I said I wanted to forget and move on..........."without him". He then softened, hugged and kissed me on top of head. I interpreted it as "thank you" for letting him go. since then I have not been initiating any contact, minding my own business when he's around, and even remind him to pack the remainder of his belongings to take with him. He seems more angry since Ive been acting this way. It seems my behavior is just pissing him off and validating his feelings of "emotional neglect " by me. But Im just trying to "let go " like he asked me to. TWINHOPE- your H asked why u never asked him to do anything after he left and he was waiting for u to reach out but u still "pushed him away" even after he left. I wonder If that may be what could be going through my H head? Sounds like his thinking. WHAT THE HECK DO THEY WANT FROM US!!!!!!????? Stay strong girls.

[hope3343]

good morning to all, I guess we were all having sleepless nights. My H rolled in at 3:30 am, totally drunk. Then he proceeded to talk till about 5 am. How his girls will hate him, he is a jerk, wants to be all alone, wants to quit work, wants to work on a cruise ship??? Welcome to my world. I am at work, he is at home. I just actively listened, well as much as I could at 4 am. In all of the mumbo jumbo, he is leaving and needs to take care of himself. I told him I pray for him everyday, not to come home but for peace. He broke down with that. First here is the link to Oprah's book guest on cheating. I have downloaded it. A friend sent to me this morning.

http://media.oprah.com/sterm/TruthAboutCheating.pdf

Twinhope - do not beat yourself up. It is a new day for all - We all have days like that. We are human. I still find myself trying to manipulate and fix. the divorce busting counselor kept telling me walk away from anything to do about the R or D. If my H asks me to lunch don't go unless someone else goes with you. When you go home and he wants to talk, go out. I know this can't last forever but it always gives you more time instead of feeding into his insanity. Because like us they change their minds every minute because they do not know what they want. As for the 21 OW, she sounds very immature and to put all that stuff up on my space about M man, not smart. Run off her Myspace when you go see atty. Will help you in your case.
T2L...love the line "good stuff you had me laughing on that one", I will have to coin your phrase in my house. Yes, H got the apt, avail 10/1. So I will have a big house open for parties with my DB posse. You are all invited! beach down the street. That will be a whole new meaning to a 180! Also will look into the book suggestions. I got myself a mindless fiction book from the library. Need to decompress from some of my stress.
I would sign up for the million man/woman march. The idea is brilliant. Texas is a state that has fault divorce including adultery, and if I have to use it I will especially with all that we have at stake.
JGrind...your kids. My heart goes out to you. With them a little older and teenagers it is tough. I read that D is harder on boys than girls, so keep an eye on S14. Need to suggest strongly to H that OW CANNOT be around S14 till further counseling or adjustment. They cannot force our kids to accept their bimbos. It does not make it right for mistakes by them. I also agree that they need that routine during the week staying at home. If H wants more time, let him come to your house, help with homework etc, and make yourself scarce. Leave the house, go get a coffee and let him work out the issues with the kids and see how it is. Let H be a father without interference. The kids will survive.
Hurricane Ike is moving more north so we are going to stay home and see what happens. what a week. God bless to all

[Trying2live]

This is to everyone....

Just wondering... my H had pessimistic tendencies. He just seemed like nothing really made him happy. He had happy and funny moments but he never had a general sense of happiness or joy. I know everyone had down moments, so that's not what I mean. I just mean overall.

Did any of you find this in your spouses?

[hope3343]

Hi T2L, my H is very pessimistic and goes through bouts of depression. I am the opposite and sometime it irks him. He always mentions that I have good friends etc. He also tends to be a loner. He has co-workers friends but not one really close one. Is that the same for your H? There are times when he comes home at night and just watches TV by himself all night. We really drifted when I look back. Did you read DR, there is a great section about negative or depress spouses. Worth reading again.
Also someone sent this to me. I thought it would be worth passing onto your thread.

An Angel says, 'Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice.'

1. Pray
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule, or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns . If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19 Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus .'
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33 Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.
GOD HAS A WAY OF TURNING THINGS AROUND FOR YOU.

'If God is for us, who can be against us?'

(Romans 8:31)

[klm]

T2L,

I haven't read all of your thread, but your title jumped out to me. My H moved in with OW also, he barely knew her. I do think that accelerated the end of their relationship.

My H's OW was also the complete opposite of me and a total trainwreck. I don't understand that part other than maybe she made him feel needed and I didn't. Who knows. After reading thread after thread it does seem that people "affair down". I guess a woman who has it all together wouldn't date a married man.

Just wondering... my H had pessimistic tendencies. He just seemed like nothing really made him happy. He had happy and funny moments but he never had a general sense of happiness or joy. I know everyone had down moments, so that's not what I mean. I just mean overall.

This sounds just like my H. He did have happy moments....which were few and far between and I longed for him to be like that all the time. In general, he was always pessimistic. He was always grasping for things to make him happy. They were usually material things...cars, clothes, tv, computer, etc. Just anything new to give him that temporary high. Sadly, I guess OW was just something new to him that gave him that high.

Hang in there, things do get better. I had some really dark times and seriously didn't know if I was going to make it. You will make it through this no matter the outcome.

[Trying2live]

Hey Kris,
Thanks for dropping in. In your signature I noticed piecing(saw it on others too) What does that mean?

Thanks for the encouragement. One foot in front of the other I always say-keep going.