I am trying to take life day by day. It seems like an eternity as I am still in the house which makes it difficult to avoid speaking or interacting as we see each other every day and also with the kids.
It was hard making a parenting schedule as I tried to be fair, but she was very nasty and very paranoid that any thing that I did had a secret purpose. I did remain calm throughout the process, and am now reviewing her changes.
One thing that did upset me was the fact that certain mutual friends she is setting up as her own. That is sad and will cause irreperable damage to relationships, as she spends time with the children and these people in which I will no longer be included. I understand that certain friends will choose sides--that is inevitable. Nevertheless, its sad that long term friendships will be lost due to the impending divorce.
It is also discomforting that even though through the lawyers, we have worked current living, financial and parenting arrangements, that it cannot last forever. The feeling of uncertainty and of the unknown is extremely discomforting. She is insistent to move on as quickly as possible,even though I continue to cover all household expenses, pay her a weekly stipend and spend significant time with the children despite my intense obligations as an attorney.
It is to my advantage to move slowly and methodically to continue working on myself, get my "ducks in a row" financially and at work as well as building a stronger and more signifacnt relationship with the children. She fears that the longer I am around, that I am up to something.
I do fear that she will be deparate if this continues too long and she will make up a story that I physically threatened or actually abused her. She already tried to do this the day we decided to end it by purposefully falling down the stairs and screaming "Why did you push me??"
I was told to keep a tape recorder around, but its difficult to have it on me at all hours. Nevertheless, this is her one significant trump card, but she must be careful as her having me forceably removed will cause a problems with me practicing as an attorney which will in turn create financial distress for herself and the children. I do not know how desperate or "stupid" she could become.
She wants me to file the divorce papers as it appears that she has no actual grounds--(NY is a fault state). Her filing first could lead to significant legal fees for the both of us as I will have no choice but to counterclaim et al. I am suprised that she hasn't filed yet, but I am certain that she will reach a point where she will initiate.
As I sit here at 5AM... I will be ready to go jogging soon-- 20 lbs lost in the past 5 weeks. I also like the fact that I am using contacts and feel 10 years younger. Unfortunately, events at the office continue to be crazy and there appears to be no letup in my current litigation with my prior firm, nor the fact that other litigation reagrding a large fee is also heating up. The old adage of "What doesn't kill you, will make you stronger" is certainly appropriate. I wish it just didn't have to happen all at once.
