Hope - THANK YOU so much for that prayer!!! I know he has signed the paperwork today but that doesn't mean its over until I sign or even consent to what he has. I will get a lawyer as soon as I get those papers. I must protect myself and my daughter. I refuse to be taken advantage of any longer.
JGrind - I agree with Hope! Communication must end with OW H. He does not sound stable at all! Then to go to your house when you would not return his calls is a bit unsettling. Your H must deal with this man and make sure you let your H know what he is doing and how it is making you feel.
Twin - My H is doing the exact same thing. He is trying to blame me for my D not talking to him. Last night my MIL took my D to dinner with my H son (they are brother and sister by him). When they are getting ready to leave my H house he shows up with OW. My D was already in the car but she ends up seeing this woman. She gets home and just cries. She is hurt seeing her dad with OW. Then this OW has a dog. This devistates her even more because she begged her dad for years to get a dog and he always said no. Now this OW has a dog and brings it to his house and he has no problem with it. Amazing isn't it? I send him a text this morning telling him about how hurt his D was last night. His response was "stop acting like victims", "its not his dog its her dog", "all we do is assume things without talking to him first". My response had some strong wording but basically told him that she is a victim of his actions, that she is hurt by all this not because he had a dog there but because it was something she wanted and how selfish he was being. All my D wants is for her family to be back together. He told me to stop filling her head with these negative things and I told him I was not doing that. Our D is seeing and having her own thoughts. Not once have I ever influenced her by saying mean or nasty things about him. I have told her the truth the best way that I can. I am encouraging her to talk to him. He is just a completely lost.
Tomorrow I am going with a friend of mine and her husband to pickup the truck from him. I am wondering how that will go.
I went to the first support group meeting yesterday. It was good I was very nervous and didn't say much. It feels like this will be a good thing for me.
Keep GALing everybody!!!!! Pray for yourself and your H's....
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Hi T2L, opposites --what is he thinking of. OW sounds like a bar fly and loser. Amazing. Hopefully he will see the light. I know you said he was living with her. It will get old fast. Especially if she is having problems with her kids and still has a son at home. H will probably have to compare the differences between his S and OWs. Today I think my H met up with the Ow but he came home pretty quick. My nickname for her is PP - Plastic Pinata! Maybe the comment I made had an impact on him, maybe not. But right now he is moving out at the end of the month. He is telling D15 in about a week or so. We are going to tell her together, and then he asks me to say that it was because we were growing apart. I said I am also telling her this is not what I want, we need to show our children that we are committed and not quitters. I will not lie to her. He agreed. It is soooo sad. I keep saying why why why. I took yet another long walk on the beach. I feel so alone here. I have no close friends. I take inventory and pray and keep turning this over to God. Next week is my birthday. I am thinking of doing another 180 and having a birthday party here with about 20 work people. Like I am moving on. Maybe if he sees how others see our family and home maybe more of the fog will lift. The amazing thing is he still calls me "Honey" and gives me a kiss/hug most mornings and evenings but when go to bed -- nothing. I feel like I am in a canoe without oars.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope3343, Yeah I know it's just hard emotionally. Makes you sometimes feel like you failed for your spouse to go to someone like that. Even Physically she is not so great either.
If he left me for a supermodel it would help ya know. But not he left me for an overweight mess. {{gulp}} Feeling sorta down today.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
I did read your thread, however a little fast. But, I hope you will not give up b/c even though things look dark now, there have been stories where the S moved out of the home and in with OP. As the old saying goes, you never know a person until you LIVE with them, right? Well, their "romance" may cool its heels in a hurry once the fantasy wears off. So, just try to follow that list as best you can and keep coming here for support.
He sounds like he is in serious MLC. I don't know if you have looked at that forum, but why not read some of their threads and see if you think it may help.
Talk to you later. Hang in there. Take care of yourself.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
T2L, too bad you are in CA and not around the corner, we would be mixing margaritas right about now. I am sitting here alone, my D is taking a walk with some of her friends. H says about 6 pm I am going to clean out my car and then grab something to eat and get a coffee. It is 9:30. now. He calls D about 8 and says I am going to the executive club (a lie), now D is worried he is out drinking, which he probably is - celebrating his new apt. Tonight I don't even like him, never mind love him. He was never this hurtful, knows he can do whatever he wants and not care what we think. I wish I could kick him out. I agree with Sandi these guys are both full MLC. Did you read Divorce Remedy about MLC, my H could be the poster child. Sandi thanks for your kind words on this thread. Marisol be strong and get that legal advice. OMG the Divorce Store, that is unbelievable. Still shaking my head on that. I need to be strong before my D comes home. I see in her eyes she is worried about me.. I hate this.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
I screwed up this time. I went against everything DB. My H called me and wanted to talk. He said that we need to discuss some things and it was not a big deal. We just needed to get on the same page. My heart sank thinking that he was going to ask for a D. Well I pushed the question when he rolled out this new financial plan he drew up that only now has him responsible for the child support and the bills we share. I asked him if he wanted a D. He wouldn't answer and I pushed the question and he said yes he wants a D. It broke my heart. I addressed the OW and told him to just be honest. He said that they are both M and that they are going through the same thing and are just real good friends. I told him that even though I know it can be more that she is not the problem and that I was and I wanted a second chance to make things right. I was a very bad girl, months of hard work out the window. He was saying that he didn't know why I never asked him to do anything after he left. He was waiting for me to reach out to him and I pushed him away even after he left. It was so hard to hear all this stuff and I tried to validate. He said he can't give me what I want because he just doesn't feel it. He thinks I have been sticking it to him financially and with visitation. He is so angry at me. I really feel like it is over. He said that he wants us to be able to be ok with the arrangement now and that maybe that would open up a more pleasant environment to work on things but that was not definate. I am losing hope he did speak to a lawyer today for a consult and I looked at the OW myspace page and she talks about being in a R now and that her parents really like him. She says that she wants to get married again and wants one child. I wonder if he told her he is fixed. He only wanted our girls and thats it. I wonder if she is more attached to him and is just being a typical 21 year old in lust not love. For crying out loud she is going through a D already. Great start to a R!
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
Let just reiterate that for all of us Hope3343-I HATE THIS TOO! And yes-Margaritas sound yummy! I know maybe some day if I am able to visit my sister in Abilene we'll schedule a rendezvous for margaritas and the forums invited! Or y'all can come to Cali. We can do Disney Land with the kids.
LOL. So did he get the apartment? I personally think you are doing great. Your really being very confident in front of him. Be sure to find that hobby, dance class or gym thing that you like or out of character for you. Something unexpected. He needs to see you are living your life and doing things he never thought you would do. I think some where in themselves they think oh they'll just sit around and cry and think about me the whole time so I can do what I want. That's why when were gone or doing something new or turn down an invitation and GAL they have to really think if it's really what they want. Be perky cheerful but somewhat unavailable.
To the family of the Advice-Husband moved in with OW(I'm a Newby) :)...I really encourage you guys to check out a few other books. They have been helpful to me and they strictly deal with affairs.
DB deals with relationships with a section on affairs but these 2 books are entirely on Affairs. Don't get me wrong love DB, its just more ammunition for your fight for your marriage and more ammunition is always better. Get one or the other better yet both. It gives a lot of statistics on Affairs. I highly recommend them. Nice weekend read too.
I think one of the best things we can do is educate ourselves (and Pray of course) but it will help us because generally all people are the same that's why it seems in one way or another that our stories are similar. Ok ok here's the names of the books. Really get one of them. I read em both. In order of Favorites. 1. Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley 2. Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson
Marisol, Yeah Divorce Store-Cheesy Sleezy! Get legal counsel and emotionally seem unmoved by it. They love getting a reaction out of us. They love to engage us. Mine keeps trying to do this and now I just reply, "good stuff really funny you had me laughing on that one." He's taken the marriage I'm not gonna give you more. I'm trying to notice every time he's trying to engage in disagreements. Its hard because it's so easy to get sucked in by defending yourself or kids. Don't do it. It's like they know that they own that little part of our soul so they are gonna yank on it by trying to engage. The classier we are the more they have to live in the pit and conviction of what they have done and not refuting in their minds our responses.
Hey Ya'll ...Wouldn't it be cool to do like a million man/woman march on like D.C except it would be against Affairs in America. I'm so sick of it. Every time I turn around i find out another person is having an affair. It's an epidemic. I hate having more laws because I think there are to many sometimes but I wish every state was an AT FAULT state and we as Betrayed Spouses could sue for damages. Could you imagine having sue the OW/OM and your spouse has to help pay the bill. Talk about think twice. Talk about squashing the little fantasy land. They'd be fighting so fast they would break up. Just a funny thought I had. I'd love to arrange something like that.
How is everyone else?
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Twin Hope, Sounds like you had a hard day. First things first. Forgive your self if you feel you didn't DB as well as you wanted to. Today is gone and tomorrow is new so leave yesterday in yesterday. I posted a few books. I love the DB books a lot! The DB book is about relationships and is awesome and I'm using it. But I have also read a few others that have been very very helpful and strictly deal in Affairs. Please go and get one or both of them. You need more ammunition to fight for your marriage and the more the better. Try and seem unmoved perky and confident when you see him or speak to him. This is what the OW is like, and what your competing with. Don't give up hope just yet. If he says he spoke to a lawyer just as much as possible try not to be moved. Hows GAL going? Have you signed up for a hobby, dance class, gym etc.?
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
twinhope, Thanks for reply. How old is D? Typical, H would rationalize D acting out as needing to spend more time with them. DUH!!! Anyway, I have 3 (S14 S11 D11). D11 has probably been most challenging. Fierce mood swings. One min OK, then if one little thing sets her off, very angry and smart-mouthed. She is extra challenging because she is hearing impaired and has some language barriers. Hard for her to get concept of everything going on. Anger is toward me because Im the one shes around most. Wants mommy and daddy back together, but also seems to be drawn to OW. Brings OW up in casual conversation all the time and I dont think she realizes what she is telling me hurts really bad. OW is obviously befriending her, but at same time our family has known her for last 5 years (S11 and her son play baseball). OK, so H stopped by after work to visit kids. Helped D11 with homework -she got frustrated , cried, and lashed out toward him. I was actually glad for him to see it. S11 tells H "she does this all the time". He got impatient with her - I told him to leave her alone until she cools down, its the only way. H didnt do anything except nod. Think he was taken back by her behavior. H then scolded S14 for lashing out physically at sister because she teased him about a girl. S14 almost ripped her shirt. I calmly interjected, explaining to S14 its OK to express anger at times UNLESS your anger is hurting someone else physically or emotionally . H thinks S14 acts like "jerk". Who's the jerk?, I think to myself. S11 does not express emotion about situation unless I am upset. Worries me he may be holding too much in. H says my grandmother needs to stop saying stuff to D11, because "this is hard enough on them". I said you have no idea how hard it is for them because you dont see it like I do. H didnt say anything to that. H wants us to get together this weekend without kids around so we can discuss "our plans". H wants kids 50/50. Thought he could take them even during the week while school in sesion, get them up extra early and drop each of them off at school, over half hour away from his place, before he goes to work. I disagreed, saying kids need routine and stability in one home setting during school week. makes no sense to be with him when their own home is only 5 minutes from school. Otherwise, no we have no official visitation plan worked out other than every other weekend I work he takes them, or lately, stays at our house with them, because his excuse is S14 is jerk to OW when they are at his house. During the week,sometimes comes to visit and maybe take them somewhere likd ice cream or something. I chose two different mediators whom I got referrals for and left ball in his court to schedule appointment, but he has not done so yet. He got copies of parenting plan for our state/county and I think he wants to do it "kitchen table" style for right now. I am feeling very angry at him for what the kids are going through right now and plan to give him ultimatum for family counseling. I will set time and place and leave ball in his court to be there. That is the least he can do for the kids sake. The kids need to feel safe expressing their feelings toward their father, and it is not fair for me to be the mediator between them. What do you think? Anti-DB?
